April Is Over

Today is the last day of April; and it's going to be May. May 8th is Mother's Day and I am thinking of all the times I have spent time with my family. This year has been going really good and I'm dedicated to staying at Home. I wrote in my Goals Journal; my core values for the month of April and May. I am sitting on the floor with my laptop and my books. While listening to a playlist I made on YouTube. I can't use my desk because the TV is on it. It's dark in my room and I have been focusing on what I can do to make life easier for next month. My rent is paid and my bed is made. 

My Core Values: Core Values influence our behavior, personality, thoughts, attitude, and decision making according to https://thirdbliss.com/the-importance-of-values. She writes about the value behind core values.

For April I wrote Family, Patience, and Resilience. 

For May I wrote Timeliness, Creativity, and Learning.

Work Is Over

​Actually work, literally never ends. Although I bring my backpack to the center every day. I have become stale in my artwork of drawing, painting, and photography. I’m enjoying writing as inspiration comes to me. For most of the week my backpack has sat on the ground and I haven’t been using it I'm much more on my iPhone to pass the time. I did make a bracelet today! When in a creative rut and needing to pass the time, I have been less than productive. Seems most of the time I am smoking and feeling a deep dark depression. I have read several articles on Pinterest about Creativity. I'm hoping that Biden has some way to help us with Financial Aid for Student Loans. I am a Public Relations and Advertising major; lacking five to seven classes before I can officially graduate. 

We had an awesome dinner of ribs, rice, and beans. Cooked by our lovely caregiver tonight. I don’t know how to cook and really missed out on that in my life. Took my medicine and have enjoyed sitting outside to smoke for a while before and after dinner. I'm listening to relaxing music at the moment and working on my blog. Thinking of what I can really sit or lay here writing about. Next weekend is Mother's day and I remember my little boy telling me he didn't want me to come over. Though my parents we're nice and said that I am. It must be the age that he's at; hopefully this won't last forever with him having hurt feelings towards me. I try to be sweet and nice most of the time. When I can't be I resort to closing myself off so I don't hurt anyone.

I received my “Cinder” book back from a house member. The book is a good one and it’s about a twist on Cinderella but she is a cyborg. Meanwhile; there's this horrible plague that is all over the country of China. The next book I am reading is “The Night Portrait” by Laura Morelli. Although I have started this book and am only a tenth of the way through.  

There’s not too much they ask of us to do around the group home. To wake up around 8AM and make the bed. Rent was due today and my father paid my rent. I am appreciative that my rent was paid and look forward to another month here. Although there is no light on in my room and I need my lamp in order to read anything other than my laptop or my phone. It's time for another smoke!

My Planning

​We all have a good and bad side to us, as human beings. We were made in Gods image though only He is perfect. I am a Christian and daily depend on God to make it through the day. This weekend I plan on writing a lot and sharing stories about motherhood and how I went from a successful college Senior in 2015, to being a dropout and life at the group home. 

In 2020; I faced a three month jail sentence for shoplifting at Target. At the time I was “Camping” 🏕 on Landcaster with a guy that I had only known for a short time. I have gotten into a lot of trouble on Landcaster and make myself a promise never to go back to the way things were out there but one thing that I can do is share my stories.

His name was Samuel and when I went with him, we drained my bank account. I was banking with Frost Bank and had been since I moved to Texas with my parents after Hurricane Katrina. We spent the money on drugs and stuff to go camping. It was in August and I asked my father to send my money on my card. This reminds me of a show, my parents watched at their house called “Remembering Anna”. Though luckily I am not facing a 12 year jail sentence for running a credit card at expensive resort hotels in Morocco 🇲🇦.

I spent August to December, when I had to go to MillWood to seek mental attention. Then when I got out of MillWood I was lost and found myself at the attention of the police for shoplifting. I remember talking to Breacher my lawyer about me staying in jail after my sentence and not wanting to leave the prison. I got caught in January around My Dad’s birthday. Stayed until March when I called My Father to pick me up from the hospital and Co-Vid had broken throughout the country causing the epidemic. Lucky for us this seems to have gone past us without any of us getting sick. 

Though my main caregiver has had several people die in her family. I say this with the sincerity of my heart and dedication to do better and stay where I am. I still hear a part of me that wants to get in trouble with running away from here. It hasn’t startled me like it once did but with my schizophrenic disorder it is still loud and apparent. In a previous post I shared about how I got frostbite last year in 2021. The infection is gone but the problem will always remain on my left hand for a lifetime.

Respect On Friday

​The words hurt and throwing and hitting and all the things that go along with it. I walked to the corner store to think and get away for a few minutes. I bought a Bang Can and a pack of Lucky Strikes menthol. 

I ask if there is anything I can do to make the situation better. Relationships haven’t been easy for me. I was left pregnant by my ex and my parents have been taking care of the child. I have been in and out of his life ever since. I don’t remember how I acted as a kid but I remember my father being deployed a lot. My mother and I not really getting along. My ten and eight year younger sisters fighting and I’m about to be an aunt.

My caregiver and my help at the center have been asking about my kid. I have a rough relationship with him. I don’t want to mention to much of hurtful information. Focusing on the good and bad on this situation and I know we all try our best to get along.

In 2013; I gave birth to my son and we’ve all struggled since then. I think about how close my parents are to me and sometimes it makes me sad. I try to call my Dad on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s to check up on my family. I am glad today we found a counseling center for me. 

It started when I didn’t buckle his seat belt in the cart at Target. Where he fell out and his head was messed up with a big knot. I freaked out and drove to my parents house instead of taking him to the hospital. I think at the time I was so selfish that I had also purchased Starbucks coffee while I got him some ice for his head. I’ve recently been reminded by him and my mom that I am selfish. 

That was the year I left my parents house and became homeless after getting into trouble with the law, school, and mental institutions. I tell you this not to alarm my readers but to tell you my story about the situation with my little one. 

It Gets Better

​We talked about counseling today and I need a referral from my Doctor. On Monday my caseworker took me to the duck pond in Downtown Fort Worth. I have liked fishing with my Dad and we went this past weekend. I have been going to bed at 6PM for the last several nights. I also have been really quite and to myself. 

I got my injection yesterday and I normally feel better after I get the injection. I have started a new medication that seems to be helping. I’ve stayed in The Group Home for over a year. It’s a blessing I’m not on the streets. Everyday of the week, we go to the center and I take my backpack. This week I also bought a pack of cigarettes and a slurpy. 

I’m thinking about what I would have done differently if I had the chance to start over about twenty years ago. I was finished with High School, twenty years ago. My family is done with college and both my sister’s graduated. Though I have not and have acquired a lot of debt in the process of trying to get my degree. 

I wouldn’t have been attached to people that were not helping me in my life. I would hopefully not have gotten into drugs and shoplifting. I can’t go back in time but knowing that I can and will do better in the future gives me hope. Here’s to persistently taking it moment by moment and doing the best I can. God is here on my journey to my future and things are what they are. Moving forward to getting my life right by reading helpful articles about all sorts of self help.

Remembering Easter

​I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks and days. Yesterday, when I told my caseworker that I wanted to write but didn’t have the words to say, she was very encouraging and had faith in me. I started taking Prozac last night as my Psychiatrist prescribed. A mood stabilizer and hopefully it helps with the mood I’ve been in. 

Things don’t always go the way you and I plan. Sometimes, you have to struggle to do the best you can. I went over to my parents house for Easter. My little one was sick. Easter is the time we remember Jesus’s resurrection and thank Him for dying on the cross to save us from our sins. 

It’s important to believe in yourself, and to take care of yourself. I will be turning 35 years old this year and I am doing better than I have in the past. People may not act the way you want them to. You can’t always control what is happening. My Dad’s truck had problems, so we couldn’t go fishing. We missed church on Easter and stayed home watching movies. 

We had an Easter lunch that was good and my little one and I colored placemats from his new coloring book. I don’t want to go into to much detail about how my family and I have been interacting. All I can ask is that things get better. 

Appointments

​Today is laundry day and I need more laundry detergent. I missed my appointment for Wound Care Monday and it is scheduled for tomorrow at 1PM. I’m at The Lions Center and I am glad they fixed my insurance. I have a Psychiatrist appointment at 2PM. I’m glad to be able to spend time with my caseworkers.