I’m going to? Today & everyday is a plan,… all day & everyday??? I am 🎃💵 responsible for my retirement and right! Bottles & 🤖 Bottoms up 🆙 an escalator and no it’s a reminder of 17” -18”! If I did or didn’t do anything about it then that’s…
I bought a pink outfit and am Pink Floyd’s only self so am I selfish? Endeavor can “Endanger my also! Thanks 😊 person 🧍♀️ personal opinion matters to individual self. Is it a matter of 💵📚 or 🧠🫀🧞♀️!
On the verge of trying to make myself grow up and I love this time with typing with my nails and trying to wrap myself around bugs and budgeting. I’m worrying more as the time comes about My Relationships with my friends and one of the workers stated too get laundry packets and I… 🫥
Why can’t the workers just share with me and they just did 👉🏼🥰! I guess I will need to make another shopping 🛒 list & make sure I buy the things I need so far I’ve spent $121! I am pretty 🤩 frustrated 😣 but at least I will see my dad tomorrow ☀️!
Megan is my friend and I have known her for seven years and she surprised 😯 me with a grande 🌟 Caramel Miachiato & Main Street pack we went driving for about twenty minutes then she dropped me off. I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to do and she said continue to write ✍️ and read, appointment tomorrow.
These are my new red, black, and gray Army uniform 🥋 pants,… now I am writing ✍️ & learning about con-artists. I once stole daddies credit card 💳 and bought Hot 🥵 Pink Doc Martens & that was it,… then rushed up 🆙 to the Fort Worth 🤕💒!
Cigarettes 🚬 are not legal from my Dad; any more than I can afford. What my kids 👦 third week of Junior High 🏫 and left him alone and I really wish I had the right to drive him to school 🏫 about our 🦵 legal & 🤧 illegal procedures about wishes!
I’m getting help regardless and I am being myself so when they asked for mine I got angry 😡 & girls from TCU and Baylor shouldn’t stalk. They should all 52, went to prison in 2020”! 👩🏻🦯➡️
Thank You 😍🌴
I loved 🥰 all; my friends understand/until they left me lonely 😩 & desperate for buying shit 💩 … about $300 💲📰💳 well, now I want to lock it up 🆙 & so do most of them. My RM has derogatory talks while I keep writing ✍️ &I have five $5 📝 notebooks 📒… is this *my fault or theirs!
So,… this is my new 🆕 dress 👗 from TEMU & I love 💕 it! I do want to recreate the month all year so once a month I buy a disposable vaporizer and smoke that mostly with cigarettes. Dad buys me 5/6 packs and because they ask & I for 💵 !
I just got inspected by a dental 🦷 hygiene professional & I bought this yesterday and now they left me at the Group Home 🏠 & I bought two 2️⃣ black 👻 books and about $53,… grocers groceries & had fun 🤩!
That was the first time I had 👉🏼🫀&🧠 ‘surgery! Some girls ask way too many questions & some girls just look 👀 on pins of 🧷 🕵️ Pinterest to find the right answer’s 🩷🦷! I have good insights 🩷 integrity 🩷 & a good family.
This 🧛🏻♀️🧞♀️ Paycheck is mine; so when is it going to arrive. He got ‘ten minutes a lecture for my 👂🏼 ear’s! Myself 🫂🫀🦷 ‘totally 💕 love’s my self & too many
Self Is’s! Although every woman 👩 wants me to keep celebrating 🥳 but today is the last day of the month.
I 💋♥️🩸 … Just ‘Now 39* I have SSDI & 🤼♂️🤑 asking my own people at ‘Now “I am getting in 🤑😈💀! I went to work & school 🏫 and fun 🤩! Just ⏳💴📀 wake up 🔝!
Chicken 🐔 Noodle 🍜 Soup for The Soul is quit an intriguing book 📕; I have read & had three of the books 📖. I am currently reading “The Ghost 👻 In The White City 🏙️ “ by Lawson. I love 💕 too read & write.
The Best Thing Is Being There…
Literally listening to the people you care about and asking for the things you need!
Then,… I 🤕 owned ‘Crank,… ‘Glass,… & ‘Blow… ‘Then I couldn’t and I wanted to mostly remember good 😊 and bad things and I & My Dad talked about my Birthday for in six days I’ll be 39!
Okay, yes! I just smoked two 2️⃣ of these & shared 2! I have taken nothing and tried to help these girls in my (situation) / our ‘Girls Group Home. For instance,… her instant coffee ☕️ for a couple of cigarettes 🚬!
I guess I had a good 😊 thirty second Birthday 🎉 but when people get too promiscuous around me, my space and my cigarettes 🚬 I get annoyed & angry 😡! So just 💋 for your own sake there’s 20,… in a pack * .50$
I was a good 👍 worker but I got my truck 🛻… ‘stolen in 2018” & daddy does not need to know I walked to Arbrook St. vs. Arkansas St. I have been in jail eighteen months. The end of that story is don’t steal! Black books were $5!
I’m going to breakfast tomorrow with dad, he said he wouldn’t buy me cigarettes anymore. it’s nice a $100 in Venmo & $35 Chime & $50 in Chime Savings. I spent $50 at Dollar Tree 🌲 & $60 @Shell & $60 on TEMU. My roommate bought me this coffee ☕️! Six packs of Supreme reds to share between both of us.
Dad just dropped me off at the Rosedale house around 9AM; and as soon as I arrived, I turned in my medicine box and got a cup of coffee. We celebrated My Mother's 55TH Birthday last night; and ate at "The Taste Of Europe" and I ordered Braught Werst and mustard and a German Beer. We didn't go to Narah's last night, but we celebrated a good Birthday. I gave her a vest and a sweater, and a card. He picked me up at 11:45 AM and I left my medicine at the group home, and we had to go back and get the medicine around 2:20PM after we got lunch at Sonic; I got an Orange Cream Slush and Double Bacon Cheeseburger and large onion rings.
It felt good being with the family, despite the fact I was sick. I have been coughing since the third of this month and wheezing and when I cough I sometimes have been pissing on myself. I was asked on Thursday what I wanted to do with my life; and honestly I wish I knew. Pondering that question, while one roommate who just asked a wierd question and the rest of them are eating pancakes.
I had fun eatting at Skillet N' Grill with My Father this morning and unfortunately, they'll be out of town next weekend. They're going to Mississippi on the seventeenth and won't be back till the twenty sixth. Dad gave me four packs of Lucky Strike Cigarettes. I sheepishly asked, . . . Dad for some more money but he didn't give me any, he said last week I used all my pay and I still have $35 left over.
I had a Pleasant Saturday, thinking too myself! After Dad had left, I really started to pay attention to my own heart, again. I listened to some music and too about five educational segments. Then around 3:15PM; I walked to the corner store, TEXACO, and spent $9.06 and bought; a snack? lunch? of Muncho's, A Green Apple Gatorade, and Red Original Venom. I am in Advertising and I enjoy taking photos of what I purchase and.I needed to buy it because around that time I had gotten hungry and I didn't have a plate of lunch, although, The Chicken N' Waffles; we're great but me and my father didn't talk very much but about ten minutes. Outside, of our favorite morning ritual!
I question, myself, what direction,... since I am turning thirty-six what direction I will be heading myself into. My phone doesn't necessarily go into my laptop and the photos don't connect. In fact there's a lot of technical things I would like to know right now; but either I haven't had the time, patience, or objective too I don't know a day that I look mainly too my cell phone or laptop for stats; even though I took the course their simply aren't any. It's 7:18PM; just took my medication as the group was in a line, there's currently six residents in the house on Hightower. I need to read my MHMR handbook; as I am still questioning, why? I wrote on My "Day Dreamer" Planner, why? I wrote I have an appointment tomorrow.
My Father left me at the CAVE CARE group home around 11:30AM. Handed me four boxes of Lucky Strike Cigarettes and $40. I also received my Healthy Benefits Package! ! It's the Nineth, and I watched church, this Sunday! Woke up and it was raining, I had several cups of good coffee and even some Starbucks cold brew. With the fellowship of group home members, although, I wonder what is too much and never want to hurt myself by giving time or things they aren't needing or are ungrateful for; for instance giving a woman a pack for some money. Went to breakfast with my dear dad and he told me something. I learned this Sunday that even I am not that strong. I resist the urge to fight, but when verbally over vented has happened; I turn into a recluse and that's not at all possible because tomorrow I have to go to The Center! Three Coca-Cola's gone and three dollars gone and still, an organized backpack! Even though, I had tried several times to make
Being dedicated to something, greater than yourself and monetary wishes, is important! I want to be remembered for all the hard work I have done and continue to do. I have had an issue today of getting into a problem with who is in charge of My Health Care. I have trust and faith; that this issue will get resolved. In the following, I would like to discuss what I have experienced with both, how I have improved, and mutual respect. One of the best things to do, is to do your research and find appropriate help.
Mental Health & Mental Rehabilitation.
I started out with this program in October of 2017; when my care giver signed me up. I really don't know what happened, which isn't a good excuse! I don't like making excuses in the first place. I am doing a lot better though! This program; is the one that they are changing me over too. Through, the last six to eight years . . . I have been writing on how I dropped out of College, Miss My Family and Visit them occasionally, and continue to make progress.
True Mental Health; is for people dealing with serious mental illness.
I do not want to go against, too many rules, around here. I don't even know when they started me on this program but each car was almost too luxurious and I would spend a lot of money every time I went out with them. Trips to the stores and one day even persuaded too move out, which I'm glad I didn't do. In some way or form when they showed up today, I felt almost attacked.
They showed up since May and I am glad too see which direction this goes. Life is an adventure, and I'm in an adventurous spirit and I also know my limits! I don't want to be betrayed and try to be a stronger person. My caregivers know best and when enough is enough we do what we can to survive.
I've had a lovely morning; until one of the housemates emotionally dumps her smoke clouds all over me. Simply to be a companion, sometimes feels threatening. Though, through times of trials that is what we are called to do. We had amazing French Toast and Eggs, made by Ms. J this morning. It's been eight years she's been my caretaker. The First Year; at the first house we moved into I was hired by Fiesta's and I didn't choose anything other than going to Texas Wesleyan. I do not try to put my spirit or wisdom in front of others to intimidate them. The Government is paying off my student loans, as I take care of myself with the help that's provided.
I do not know exactly what is going on, taking trips with True Mental Health was fun. Then all of a sudden it stopped; and I have been in the hospital at JPS twice. I remember telling My Family on the Moto. I have had a trialing history in life and am not wanting to repeat the same mistakes. I feel better than worse and my main health concern is My Bipolar Disorder. I trust in The Lord; and My Family and Care Takers have done the best for me.
These Are A Few of My Newly Found Motto's
Mottos are short sentences that chosen to encapsulate a belief or idea guiding an individual. I shouldn't take things as defensively as I had growing up. Meanwhile, My Thirty Fifth Birthday is still a treasured memory, as the whole day was full of mature spiritual, physical, mental, and symbolic surprises.
Don't Be Afraid to Fail, Be Afraid to Not Try!
Gossip fills the air; and I want to start standing up for Myself and hopefully help others. In doing so, I know I have written and established myself throughout the group home. I am trying to create a world that I love and even try some of the things to keep myself entertained, while not getting into deep over my head. I'm currently, reading The Book of Joshua and learning about Faith. With Halloween, Right around The Corner, there are surprises every day in store.
A Bad Semester or One Bad Grade Won't Define Your Future!
It hasn't been, a bad life, and I choose to stay here and am happily associating myself with my future. Although; my email seems to be hacked and I am waiting on a call from the Main Care Giver about MHMR. Maybe a huge curse by playing hacky sack, or taking daily vitamins, or the new found interest of going through new situations upon the horizon! This Subway Ad reminds me of how many people got in trouble a few times I have left to go downtown. One of My Favorite Classes was IMC Campaigns and I made an A+!
We shouldn’t take anything for granted and I am sure I am not the only one who has struggled with the fact that I have been selfish in life. I’m trying harder to gain confidence and balance as The Youthful Christian Woman that God and My Family have prepared for me to be. I’m eating a sandwich for lunch at 2PM; and still thinking about the sermon this morning. It feels great to go to church and I am thankful for my sandwich and cigarettes.
I’m needing to read about seven articles because I have had seven cigarettes this morning. Sitting here at the table finishing my sandwich and waiting for the floor to dry. I fall into the niche of personal and motivational blogging and I slightly envy the bloggers who say they are earning a living by writing. I’m not in a mood to dwell on how I am doing financially, as the new male housemate headed for the store by himself.
I have about $15; on my online accounts and plenty of time to reflect on myself. I’m finding healing from my full relational past and finding I can still use the course’s I took at UTA, even though I didn’t graduate, to plan and prepare a brighter future for myself. At the age of 34, going on 35 and my birthday not even as far as two months away. I am learning that I need to do what is right for myself and be able too stand on my own.
May 10TH 2024" Just came in from smoking a cigarette,... there's a no-smoking policy on campus and I am going over to my families house at 8AM, tomorrow. I only have $25 on my online accounts and I don't want to spend it. Just editing these entries and we just got back from getting a Depakote Injection & Going to The North Side Library.
I can’t and will never be able to repay My Father back for all he has ever done for me. Mostly my relationships have not been too good because I have issues with being a “Daddy’s Girl”; for most of my life my Dad has been stationed over seas in The Military. When I first started College at McNeese he said “The decisions you make from today to the future will impact you!” I didn’t and still don’t have the best relationship with my mom or my eight year old son, or my two little sister’s.
At The Group Home; the other housemates and I have little interaction together and my highlight is smoking together and having house meetings. Though; I spend a lot of time on writing, and reading, I hardly speak up and am one of the ones who have been here the longest, and doesn’t have an attitude when asked to do something, or act out anymore. I was asked to take a shower by the caregiver here today and I willingly will before 5PM. I just finished my sandwich and waiting for the floors to dry. Then I will go outside and smoke two cigarettes and then take a shower.
While I have been here in the home I have stayed closer to the caregivers and myself than the other housemates. I would love to bond with someone other than my father but I don’t want to mess up anymore by falling for false hopes from not being able to distinguish between a good and bad person. Hopefully others can begin trusting me and I can trust them. Someone in the house spit on the floor and the caregiver was angry when she had to clean it up.
I’m learning that besides having my meals and a bed too sleep in and ten cigarettes a day. Which is included in my rent and it’s from RSDI and my past work such as Walmart and ROSS that I can depend on my insurance. I’m a young individual and I must depend on God and Myself; and take care of my priorities and no one is going to do it for me. When it comes to relationships people can either pull you down with them but there are very few who are committed to making someone else a better person.
Which takes me to my next thought of how I have stated that I am codependent; sometimes I depend on people and only get hurt by it. I’m wanting good relationships but it’s either give or take. My little one is being raised by my family and I have been forgiven. My Mom said “Chose Your Battles Wisely”. The days of being spoiled by others are over and I don’t want to be in a situation where I play a victim role in which I have been rapped several times or lost a lot in the process.
I’m fully forgiven and I have fully forgiven but that way of “The Old Johnna” is over and I am moving on in life to better things.
I just finished my second cup of coffee and am sitting at the table. It’s 10AM; and I am a year since a blog post which is nice to look back on. I’m still having my times with my caseworkers; and yesterday my caseworker said they’re not all going to stop taking us places. I started my period about the same time I did last year. I get paid half of what I did last year; since my rent went up. Meanwhile; feeling the hard things in life and working independently through response.
I’ve been here in the group home and daycare center for eight years now. In order to get along; you have to learn that it is about you and not others. Through having self-awareness and taking an honest look at life; hopefully I can find healing and wisdom from the situations I have been in. I am knowing that the best thing for me to do is stay here.
Though; what about all the five times I ran away? Since I was 13; I know I have ran away more than that. It’s rocky relationships and insecurities for the most part but I have always been taken care of, even in the hardest of times. What exactly was I looking for? Mentally my routine and my medication are working and although I don’t live with my family and the people at the group home are hard to get along with the times in the past have proved to me that life doesn’t get better if you force it too and aren’t depending on God.
Was I in flight mode because life got hard? Many articles talk about fight or flight response and since I feel I am getting too old to run away and my health is a major concern, even if it’s just me being concerned I have too make the best out of my life and try to find independents within myself by doing the right thing.
Where did I go and run off too? I’m often too hard on myself and in the past I have made so many bad decisions. Resulting to drugs and elopement and going to prison, in 2020, I had a three month jail sentence for shoplifting at Target. I had been on the streets since September 19” to April 20” at the beginning of Co-Vid19. The last time I ran away I went to Downtown and was there from February 21” to April 21”. That’s when I got frostbite on my right hand middle finger and my ring finger. It’s healed now but it was truly a hard learning experience that I will never forget.
The answer is, in my opinion can leave me to feel embarrassed and I don’t know why I thought it was better being risky than being in the comfortable situation like I am right now. Though we have had several that have come to the group home and left and ran away. I’m getting better at being my own unique self and not hanging out in bad places. Though one thing that is helping me is staying out of others drama and focusing mainly on myself. I am learning more about my honest nature, my values, my habits, and my emotions.
Today I am researching “Emotional Growth”; I am depending more on myself to do the right thing than the destructive pattern of the past. An emotionally mature person has reached and continues to reach a level of self-understanding with regards to their thoughts & behaviors. Then decides how to best approach and cope with the situation that might otherwise be challenging.
We arrived to the center around 8AM; it’s an early morning and it’s Cinco De Mayo. I took three semesters of Spanish in college and this is not a highly celebrated day. It’s cool that it’s already May. I am looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my son and having my mom open her present for Mother’s Day.
My caseworker picked me up at the center for my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. She asked where she could get a “Sombrero”. My psychiatrist is keeping me on the same medication. I am sitting here after being outside to smoke two cigarettes. Waiting on breakfast; we are having cereal this morning.
Thought’s about my counseling appointment coming up at the end of the month. Thinking about articles I have read and the book “The Night Portrait”. It’s important that I continue to read and write on a day to day basis.
Thought’s about the purpose’s and life decisions I have made on Tuesday to become a better self. I need to know who I want to be and take actionable steps. I want to feel safe, happy, fulfilled, abundant, healthy, strong, loved, and that I have something to live for.
Today is the last day of April; and it's going to be May. May 8th is Mother's Day and I am thinking of all the times I have spent time with my family. This year has been going really good and I'm dedicated to staying at Home. I wrote in my Goals Journal; my core values for the month of April and May. I am sitting on the floor with my laptop and my books. While listening to a playlist I made on YouTube. I can't use my desk because the TV is on it. It's dark in my room and I have been focusing on what I can do to make life easier for next month. My rent is paid and my bed is made.
My Core Values: Core Values influence our behavior, personality, thoughts, attitude, and decision making according to https://thirdbliss.com/the-importance-of-values. She writes about the value behind core values.
For April I wrote Family, Patience, and Resilience.
For May I wrote Timeliness, Creativity, and Learning.
