End of May

​Today is the last day of the month of May. Blankly stating the obvious and waiting for my second cup of coffee. I smoked two cigarettes and am thinking about what I am going to write about and what I am going to research today. 

Asking myself questions such as; What are my habits, where are my thoughts, how is my attitude, what are my feelings, and how this all aligns with my actions. Things I have been writing about all month and I am looking forward to growing my blog and finding more about the things that help.

This month I have written more than I ever have on this blog in the past. At the end of the month it’s good to think about; what big accomplishments you achieved, if you accomplished what you hoped, and if you really did what matters. I think I am a long way off from getting to answer those questions about myself and this next month I need to keep reading and writing more. I told my parents that this month I am working on self growth and they both agreed I am doing better.

It’s a long road of self-development and I am ready to put in the work of becoming my best self. Doing the work to find stability by getting myself right with God and those most important in my life. I had a great time with family but it’s back to staying here at the center and at the group home. Growing more in a safe space and being rooted in what I need and want.

My payee, my dad, pays my rent at the start of every month and I am feeling more comfortable with staying here. Having a sense of structure to help me stay strong as our foundation keeps us grounded and plants you where you are as you make small daily steps to take care of yourself and prioritize. 

Memorial Day

​I’m sitting at our family kitchen table and drinking my third cup of coffee. I’m so blessed that my little one has been in a good mood for most of the weekend. I’m here for a few more hours and my son and I have been using his new scented colored pencils and crayons. He woke me up at 6:30AM and was excited about receiving his packages that my parents had ordered him yesterday.

I’m wanting to stay here as long as I can; he has been so sweet. There’s a long history of soldiers in my family history and today is the day to be grateful for them. My father said, “you don’t thank the soldiers who have made it safely back home by thanking them for their service” but “today is the day to remember the soldiers who have died”. I’ll hold onto special memories for today and be thankful for any situation I am in.

I want to do my best and be invited over more often. Though tomorrow starts another week at the center and not being as spoiled as I am here. I’m going to miss my family but I will stay at The Group Home and be patient till I can see them again. Memories are important but the ones that haunt you can really tear a person down. In both situations; there’s things to be grateful for. I don’t have many things going on wrong that make me want to run away again and things have definitely improved.

Single Sunday

​I respect my parents marriage and they are great role models. I don’t know if it’s too late for me to say that I will ever be in a relationship that is good. I’m still haunted by the relationships in my past. Especially, the sperm donor of an ex that left me when I was three months pregnant. Neither one of us were faithful and we didn’t make good decisions. 

I have seen good times and I have seen bad times; nothing is always perfect. The one thing I am grateful for above anything else is that they unconditionally love my son and I receive from our parents. They raised him ever since the first day I ran away and started living with the group home. That was seven years ago and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be there but I’m learning to make the most of it.

I’m faced with a lot of alone time; I could use the time for good or bad. This coming month of June I want to work on self growth. This weekend has been a learning experience and I know I won’t see them for a while. This weekend my little one has told me to go away and then he searches for me to do things for him. The back and forth is driving me insane and I know that this is the reason I have away five times. 

My parents and I smoke and the habit is scary and expensive. I’ve got a bigger relationship with smoking than I do with anyone or anything in my life. Knowing that one day this habit is going to kill me or someone I love. Almost all of my money goes to smoking.

I’ve been single for a few months now and I’m liking it. I don’t talk about relationships I am in with my parents. I’m working on myself and trying to make the most out of my difficult past.  

I am about too be an aunt and my sister is so fortunate that they have been married for a year before she got pregnant. I could be resentful and upset feeling sorry for myself. It’s not like I am responsible for my kid anyway and I failed as a mother. I’m alone and I’m knowing God but I’m alone. Judgements come all the time, making me question myself a lot.

The second grandchild is due in July; the same month as my middle sister, the one who is pregnant, and my Birthday’s. I’m going to be here for one more day and my parents don’t have me over as often as I would like. When you’re a part of something it’s important to take pride in it; then they say pride comes before the fall.

Security Sunday

​I’m glad I got to see my family this weekend; but unfortunately I have been in a weird and  bad mood all day. I’ve been coloring and drawing with the little one all day. Seems we go back and forth from a good to bad mood pretty quickly. When things are going you’re way and people aren’t telling you “No!” or stopping you from doing what you want. It’s like times are easier; I once bought and read a book on boundaries.

Discussions have been scary in my head and we result to not talking very much. We are trading nights sleeping on the couch and the big bed. Last night he slept on the couch and tonight I’m sleeping on the couch. I want a good relationship with my little one but things seem to look bright one minute then turn dark the next. I’m proud of my parents and there is a lot to be said of me. As a mother who was on methadone and did drugs, it hurts me too look back on it, even though I have done a decent job staying sober.

Smoked about two packs of cigarettes since Dad picked me up yesterday. It’s nice that I have their support but I know I will never have it as good as when I was in my early twenties. There’s a lot of things I have changed my mind on and knowing I should have listened to my parents over those friends and boyfriends who didn’t stay with me. We could look at this situation as me regretting what has happened or I can use the free time to learn more about what to do in the future.

Knowing there is safety and security in both my life and my little one’s is amazing. I just try to do the best I can with what I have. My parents have provided us with a lot and we’re very grateful. The saying; you don’t know how blessed you are till you lose it, is very true. I had a lot of freedom as a young adult and made choices that hurt me now.

There’s still plenty of good things, for example, my Dad made steaks 🥩 tonight and I got a chance to use the microwave and make instant mashed potatoes. My parents bought my little one another “Food For Thought Coloring Book” which seems to be his favorite. He is so spoiled and it’s above and beyond anything I could do for him. My little sister comes home tomorrow and she is a teacher at the old church we went to. She has done more for him than I ever have. They are so good to him and I pale in comparison.

I’ve had a hard time wanting to compare things and I can’t financially afford even my own self, let alone a child. I should have graduated but even that doesn’t mean everything will be good and money is promised. I can hope that I move in the right direction as I stay close to god. While not letting things like how my son said “She doesn’t know how to do anything!” get the best of me. I have been called “incompetent” many times and wanting to prove to others and myself otherwise.

Swimming On Saturday

​We went to Skillet N Grill; just my dad and I; and I had chicken and waffles. This morning I have had six cups of coffee; and one cup of instant coffee. Woke up at 6am and I am sitting on my parents new sectional. My son is asleep and I have only been here about an hour. He’s so sweet right now and I gave him the patriotic beanie babies I have had saved in my room for about a year.

I have been reading an article for every cigarette I smoke. When coming over to my family’s house I normally don’t know what to expect. He could be in a good mood or a bad mood. Dad, said he woke up in a good mood and said; “I want to see Johnna!”. It’s always a good feeling every time he wants to spend time with me. Although; he is asleep right now and I am just sitting here writing and reading.

After He woke up around 1:30PM; he said he wanted to go swimming and I needed a bathing suit. We went with Dad to get this pink bathing suit. I also got some pink slides. I know I have gained weight; I have one from last year but it was too small. We swam for about three hours. Then we came inside and dad made popcorn and I’ve had a few sodas.

Watching “Frozen 2” and he’s back asleep. I’m so grateful for my family and it’s nice to be able to spend time with them.

Finally Friday

​It’s 8:30AM; and I am drinking the last of the soda, I bought a few days ago. The lady in charge of the center called and said she wasn’t able to pick us up today. I’m going to my first LPC Counseling appointment today around noon. I have been wanting to go to counseling for a while now. There’s always a bit of nervousness when starting something new. Then when I got there they said I wasn’t scheduled for an appointment.

A counselor will help me better to get to the root of my problems and find ways to improve. I want to address my problems and situation in a calm, collective, and meaningful way. I want to find solutions to my mental disorders and depression. Although I don’t really know what to expect since I haven’t met with a counselor in a long time.

I’m sitting here waiting for our caregiver to arrive back from buying milk for our cereal. Observing the dead roses 🥀 that my dad bought me for Mother’s Day. One of the caregivers suggested that I press them when they died in the pages of My Bible. I am able to see my family this weekend and am going over there for three days for Memorial Day.

When I arrived to PSY; they said I wasn’t scheduled to come in. They rescheduled the appointment for June 10th. Giving me more time to fill out the paperwork. It’s now 1PM and I am waiting for lunch. 

Truth On Thursday’s

​The best written and spoken word comes from true emotions and finding truth within yourself and myself. As I think about how this month has been I am proud of myself for writing more. I still don’t know how to make money from blogging and I have been blogging since I was 12. The best blog post out there are from the heart and leave strong encouragement after reading them. I’m sitting at the table finishing my second cup of coffee and I wrote the post then tried to post it and it got erased.

As I think about what I wrote on today’s planning space in my planner I am thinking about what is really true of my emotions and situation. 

What has distracted me from true knowing and learning? I have made a goal of reading one article for every cigarette I smoke. I haven’t worked on self help and serious growth as hard as I am right now. I want to finish my degree in Advertising and Public Relations but I have no financial support to do so. True knowing comes from so many sources and one important thing to me right now is too learn as much as I can. In the past, I could tell you I was just plain out lazy and selfish.

What has kept me from knowing my worth? I have put a lot of how I feel about my worth in the wrong things. I’m working on not living to please others and depending on God more then I have ever trusted him in my life. I placed a lot of worth in being with my family and I have let them and myself down time and time again. I have put my worth in how I get along with others and especially with how I interact with those who live with me.

What has kept me from knowing where I belong?

When I was younger I would do anything to fit in; wasting time and money. I didn’t fit into a particular group but I made so many poor choices following the crowd. The more I read the more I am wanting to be my individual self and learn about my goals, dreams, and ambitions.

We have a choice when it comes to all three of these questions; we can either move on from it or we can take it in as our own. In other words we can accept it or we can grow from it. Either way we should hold onto the pain and know it has power over us. While honoring who we are and the decisions that got us to where we are today. Knowing our worth protects our hearts, spirits, and minds.

Where I Am Wednesday

​I’m waiting for the lady in charge of the Day Center, too pick us up from the house. I woke up at 6am and I took my medication, smoked, and had two cups of instant coffee. I want to describe to my readers today of the eight areas of life and where I fall under each category. 

Life is better if you and I stay consistent and the most important thing is improving daily. I’d like to describe where I am in each category and then put goals that I am reaching towards. It’s good to get an assessment of where you are in life in order to know which direction you’re headed in. Received my second cup of coffee and we had donuts for breakfast.

Spiritual I grew up in the church and have Christian parents. As I grew up closer to God; I soon found that I had a lot of insecurities and faced Spiritual Warfare. There were times growing up that I completely ran away from God; also my home and the people that cared about me. I’m now closer to God than I have been in the past.

Physical I received a FitBit from my dad last year and it tells me how many steps to take each hour. I don’t have a physical plan and I’m not working out. I walk every once in a while and we’re encouraged to work out here at the center.

Financial I am receiving money for most of my needs from Social Security. I have my meals planned out for me, am provided my medication, and 10 cigarettes a day. Each month my family pays my rent through receiving my disability. I make about $125 on top of rent and my dad adds money to my Venmo almost every Monday.

Professional I studied Advertising and Public Relations at The University of Texas at Arlington. I am five classes away from attaining my Bachelors in Advertising. I have not been working and haven’t worked since 2013. I would like to find a career in the future; though right now I am just focusing on what I can. 

Recreational I like to read articles on Pinterest and am focusing on self help. I attend a day program and am encouraged to keep myself busy. 

Relational I have six other individuals I share a house with in Fort Worth, Texas. My Father is the closest one too me. I have a roommate and we have caregivers that come in to cook for us and give us our medication and cigarettes. I have been going out with my caseworkers during the week and today I am getting my injection. 

Mental I have schizophrenia and severe depression as well as Bipolar disorder. Mental health has always been a struggle for me, since I was 12 years old. I take it one day at a time and am developing better ways to cope with my mental illness. I like to read and journal to release my difficulties of my mental illness.

Planning I use a daily planner to keep track of my personal development and the things that are important. As I look at my schedule I am reminded that I have a lot of time to myself. I hardly ever write a to do list, since life is pretty simple here in my situation.

Timeliness On Tuesday

​It’s been a year since I started this blogs journey. I’m sitting at the table and drinking coffee. The weather is supposed to get bad outside. Instead of taking our medication when the caregiver arrives, the person that comes in at night, they have been putting it in ziplock bags so we can take them as soon as we wake up.

We are all provided 24HRS in the day; I have learned how important it is to stay in the present moment and not think too far in the past or the future. I think it’s time too learn as much as I can and really depend more on God. I need to know as much about myself as possible. As May is ending and the new month of June is arriving. I have made a goal for personal growth before my 35TH Birthday.

I have my journals and am currently using three journals; a prayer journal, a personal journal, and the one I bring to the center for what research I am doing. I haven’t drawn in about two weeks, or since my son asked me too. There’s things I want to explore on the topic of starting an Art Shop Business that I need to read and understand more. I have been reading almost ten articles a day on all sorts of topics.

I have my sketchbooks; the large one my parents got me for Christmas. As well as the one I bought for my last Birthday with the money from my grandma. The tools are there and I have hardly been using them. Emptied the tools to create from my backpack on the table and looking at them. I’m almost through reading “The Night Portrait” and I’m on chapter 61 of 91. 

Reading about Art has deepened my passion for creativity and I hope that I will become more passionate about what I create. I also have my two adult coloring books and my colored pencils. Things don’t have to be perfect for you to start and a lot of articles on productivity and time management tell you just to get started and do the best you can.

My Blog is A Year Old

​Today is a special day and I have been writing on this blog for a year. I’m glad I haven’t given up and I show that through the year the ways I have been changing. Although at first I wasn’t writing that much. I have become more passionate about sharing what I want. 

I woke up at 6AM and smoked a few cigarettes and had a cup of instant coffee. Then took a shower and got dressed. My caseworker took me to go get 3 packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes yesterday. She told me she hadn’t had a journal for a year as she asked me if I had been blogging. This month I have written everyday and I hope this continues.

It’s 7AM and I don’t have anything to do until we go to the center. I want to express how much having a blog has helped me. Especially this one throughout the year.

The Ways In Which This Blog Has Helped Me.

1. I may be using blogger, which is free, and making no money doing this but at least I have a passion for writing and can share with others.

2. I have something creative and mentally empowering to work on during my free time.

3. I can keep up with personal growth and share what I have been learning through reading articles from others.

4. I have a healthy way to vent and get the things I want to say out there in the world.

5. I have received a lot of great complements from those close to me.

6. I can keep up with my thoughts and my progress and keep improving.

7. I look forward to writing more and keeping this blog open for a long time.

8. I can keep up with things that are changing and really see what direction I am headed in.

9. I feel that God wants me to write and share the things he’s showing me in my life to help others.

Mental Monday

​Woke up at 5:45AM; It’s now almost 9AM and I am at The Lions Center. I wrote earlier, and then it got erased and I had to start all over again. I wrote about being mindful and what a morning routine consisted of. I didn’t know if I wanted to write about mental help or mindfulness. Their both important topics to cover in my writing. Today I will cover both of them.

I have been doing better on my medication and I am growing in my relationship with The Lord. I didn’t sleep good last night and stayed up till 11PM. I’m sitting at the table with my housemate, drinking a cup of coffee. When I woke up this morning I had two cups of instant coffee. I need to be OK, with where I am in life and take the time to work towards positive goals. We learn that the past doesn’t define us, if we don’t give it the power too.

Mindfulness Not living in the past or the future, but being in the present moment. Focusing on what is going on at the current moment. Being observant of life as it is happening; only God knows what the future holds. Though we need to be more aware of what we need to be doing to get to where we want to be.

1. I am forgiving those who hurt me in the past. Letting go of the past and praying over the future, helps everyone. Stay in the current moment and let yourself rest from worrying about how situations have gone wrong.

2. I am seeing that the more I read and write the better Perspective I gain from what I need to be learning to allow feelings to exist with beating myself up about them.

3. I’ve read several quotes about accepting my current situation in life and not having judgement over what is going right or wrong. Acceptance has become easier for me and I am learning that God works everything for my good. 

4. Thoughts come and go and they only provide harm when you act on them. You don’t have to believe all your thoughts and there’s ways to fight negative thoughts to bring about peace and happiness.

5. Making quick decisions is not a good thing. I have learned to really think and express myself about things I really want instead of hiding. I took the 16personalities.com test and seems that I went from an INTJ to an ENTJ; meaning I have become more extroverted and determined to do the right things.

Mental I have tried my best to be open and honest about how I have to take medication for my disorders of depression and schizophrenia. I was diagnosed after having a spinal tap at the age of 13; as being bipolar.

1. Things get better ❤️‍🩹 the more I am in communication with my psychiatrist, and we have tried a lot of different medication since I was a teenager.

2. I go to counseling on Friday; and am feeling all sorts of different emotions about it. I know it will help and I will be able to sort through these feelings and emotions with help.

3. Having structure in my day really helps. At first I was oppositional to it and not really liking it. It has grown on me and I am seeing the benefits of a routine.

4. Having good conversations with my caregivers and caseworkers has helped me find solutions that better my life and I want to reach out for help.

5. Mental Health is different for everyone and the best way to take care of it, is seek out things, people, places that will help. Don’t be hard on yourself and try to cover it up.

Spiritual Sight Sunday

​There’s some people that you can sit and talk with for a long time and they fill your empty spots and I am learning that I don’t need to be codependent. People that you depend on and help us become better people. Though I have been learning that you make it through your own persistent behavior as an adult. The more I read the more I feel prepared to make wiser decisions and it’s helped me calm down more. 

There’s other people that bore you too death, who most of the time have a bad attitude and provide no insight. At one time or another I have fit into both categories of individuals. Life is constantly changing and today I was informed that my caregiver 🍪 is going to a different house and a lady that I don’t really get along with is taking her place. 

My caregivers and caseworkers, have mentioned how much potential I have but I have to go through hard life lessons to reach this uncharted potential. With this transitional time I am hoping that I can continue to do good. I don’t want to let my family down again. With the change of caregivers, I have a choice and hard decision to make.

I’m reminded to keep doing what is right for myself and too never give up. I’ve been doing really good and it’s been a year. I mark my anniversary for having this blog opened on Tuesday. I’ve seen good times and bad times here at Cave Care! My parents want me here and tell me there’s no way I can live with them again. 

The Drivers License; I have been here 7 years, marked this year. While being here at the group home, I haven’t given up on my passion for writing. I’m reminded by the lady in charge of these Group Homes, that they want to see us doing good. Though there’s rules here and one rule was I had to hand over my Drivers License and Food Stamp Card. Also I can’t find my Social Security Card. 

I was 15, when my parents allowed me to be on my own. Of course there’s been many times that I have transitioned in and out of their care. Don’t get me wrong, some people blame their childhood for everything. I don’t blame my parents, I blame not knowing and making the best decisions. I’ve had almost too many chances, and I am on my last try at this group home thing. Fearing that if I walk away from here again, I might be cut off from the family support all together. 

While I am still young, I want to turn my life around. I am about to turn 35 and although I don’t have the amount of readers I would be able to say is successful for my blogging and I am making no money. I was hoping when I started blogging, I would end up with a good outcome and be able to make a lot of money through it. I have had seven domains; myapatheticlife.com, trytocare.com, lifeasacollegemom.com, collegemom.com, missing-alias.com, justly-found.faith, and JohnnaFloyd.com.

Although through using blogger I have been able to keep up with my work better without loosing what I have written. I have used a lot of money to support my writing lifestyle and have over $18,000 in college loans. During these transitional and trying times. I still hang on to one thing; Don’t Worry!

Seeking Out Sunday

​I’m on my way to walk home from church, with my elderly housemate, who talks endlessly and I find hard to communicate with, without feeling frustrated. We talked to a graduating high school senior, who is excited to be going to college to do something in Ministry. She is going to a Christian school by the name of “Kings College” and was holding a bouquet of white lilies.

I remember going to Texas Wesleyan in fall of 2016, after leaving my parents house and joining my family at Cave Care. I went to school there for Production’s & Humanities and I have been meaning to use this for God’s calling, since I’m probably going to have to find a job and pay almost $4,000 in financial aid. It is still up in the air what is going on with Biden and FAFSA. 

That’s what our sermon was on this morning, Ministry and how “Every Member Is A Minister”. My caregiver didn’t arrive to give me my medication this morning and she was there when I arrived home. I received my medication and five cigarettes, when I got home. At church ⛪️ I drank two cups of coffee and since I was at church I missed breakfast. Feeling much better after my caregiver helped me and talked with me. 

Acts 2:16-21. Which states “In the Last Days,” God says, “I will pour out my spirit on every kind of people; also your daughters; Your young men will see visions, and your old men dream dreams, When the time comes, I’ll pour out my Spirit on those who serve me, men and women both, and they’ll prophesy. I’ll set wonders in the sky above and signs on the earth below, Blood 🩸 and fire 🔥 and billowing smoke 💨 , the sun ☀️ turning black and the moon 🌚 blood-red, Before the Day of the Lord arrives, the Day tremendous and marvelous; and whoever calls out for help to me, God, will be saved.” 

My Dad texted me last night while I was asleep, at 8:45PM. Offering to take me out to eat at Skillet N’ Dinner. I texted him back a few minutes after I woke up. Waited on his call and decided to go to church instead. I prioritized going to church instead of spending time with my father; I need to take the time to celebrate the small wins that I make everyday. “Where there is a will, there’s a way!” ♥️ Wise Words With 🍪!!!

Self-Aware On Saturday

​The other day, I went to Ross with my caseworker. I bought an “Adulting 101” book and a journal. I started reading the book as soon as I got home and used the first page of my new journal to write a sincere prayer to God. Woke up at 6am and I went outside to smoke. Then I went outside again a little before 8AM and got caught by my caregiver, who arrived and is making a pancake breakfast for us.

Today is my middle sister’s baby shower and I wasn’t invited. My caregiver said “One Day, that will all be straightened out.” That “We don’t know when, we’re going to need each other but the day will come”. I’m saddened by what my youngest sister had to say about me on Mother’s Day.  Although I am working hard to find rest and peace from God, while not letting it affect me in negative ways.

I have been reading through the book and the first chapter is on self-awareness. Then I read articles and made a Pinterest board on the topic. I also made a Pinterest board on jealousy and grief. Through reading, I am hoping that I gain a better understanding of what I can do besides being upset about what I have done.

Friday’s Forgiveness

​Sitting at the kitchen table and waiting to go to the center. Drinking a cup of water and hopefully I will get some coffee this morning. It is important not to beat yourself up about the past. I’m trying to learn from it and grow as an individual. 

I am drinking a large cup of coffee; and reading my daily devotionals. In Ephesians 4:32 it states “Be Kind and helpful to one another, tender hearted (compassionate & understanding), forgive one another (readily & freely), just as God in Christ also forgave you. This scripture brings joy to my heart as I am thankful for the love, support, and forgiveness I receive from the people most important in my life. 

As I grow on my dependence on God; I am reminded to let the past, stay in the past. Only God has a way of changing things and I don’t need to take things impatiently in my own hands. I can learn from it and use it as a means to grow and better my life. Though I’m not to dwell on it. Having self forgiveness, opens the door to better things. 

I’m trying to focus on what’s going right in life. Knowing how to manage time and make the most of every opportunity to pursue my God given purpose and goals. Learning that each moment is a blessing, as I wrote earlier in the month my purposes; including, showing up for myself and taking care of what I need daily, and being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around. 

The  fact that most of what has happened in the past, has been forgiven. I try to keep myself calm and I am using mindfulness in the situation I am in. 

Trying Thursday’s

​How do you know that you aren’t good at something, unless you try? Trying takes stepping out in faith and trusting the end results. Though, first you have to decide on what you want to try. I need to try things that provide a positive lifestyle. Since I am tired of my own personal negativity and being codependent, I felt disheartened that my father didn’t respond to any of my calls this week.

I’m at The Lions Center and we’re about to have breakfast. First, I need to realize what I want. I want good relationships, a sense of security, a growing relationship with Christ, a creative hobby, a bright future, and to be respected for who I am. I’m reminded from my past college days to not get so caught up in this trying, that I loose track of what’s important. Progress is better than deferred dreams or lack of trying.

Things don’t have to be perfect, and although I have lost parts of myself and am currently in a season of waiting and prayer. Depending daily on God to lead me down the right path, and soaking up a lot of Christian material about how to deal with life. I’m fortunate to be here, as I received my coffee ☕️ and am eating cereal as I write. It’s important that I have faith in the system I am in and am participating with my group. 

Trying to be independent at the young age of 15, to making mistakes and ending up here. Has left me with the fact that I didn’t always make good choices for myself and I need to take a look at the different ways I can start to follow God and my caregivers, instead of myself. I am learning as I grow older that, it’s more important to try to be myself in a group setting than try to do life on my own and ending up nowhere.

Why Worry Wednesday

​This morning, we aren’t going to the center. It’s laundry day and we’re waiting for our caregiver to arrive. The lady in charge of the center, couldn’t pick us up. We’re still not allowed to have coffee at the house. Worry doesn’t solve anything but I think it comes naturally for many people. I woke up early and then went back to sleep. Worrying is tiring and makes us do stupid things, and I know I am taken care of. It might not go my way but I’m learning to make the best out of it.

Yesterday, My caseworker picked me up from the center and we went to 711. I bought 3 packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes and a slurpy. Then we went and sat in the back of The Art Museum, in Downtown Fort Worth. We reschedule my appointment to see the counselor to next Friday.

How much time do you and I waste worrying? When I was running off, I was making things harder then they needed to be. We have had several people come and go from The Group Home, and everyone’s life is different. Instead of worrying about what I need to do. I find rest and peace from being here and relaxing. 

Tuesday’s Trial’s

I’m sitting at the table after coming inside from smoking two cigarettes. My cup was left on the table and someone threw it away, meaning I could only have one cup of coffee this morning. I miss the days at my parents house, where I could drink as much coffee as I wanted too. I’m still reading about goals on Pinterest; I need to set goals in all areas of life.

Including Spiritual, Physical, Financial, Organizational, Relational, Professional, Giving, and Recreational. 

These are some of the different areas of life, that are important. It’s important to break goals down into manageable steps. This morning I woke up at 6AM, and smoked and took a shower. It’s especially important not to get stuck in the big picture but rather use that as a reference point. I need to focus on what needs to happen in order for me to live a better life. I am learning to be a mature woman and I need to work harder to start achieving better things in life.

Then take action steps, and make Milestones, through daily action. I know The Group Home; helps me with stability and my father says it’s better than sleeping under a bridge. Although; no one tells me what to do or think about how life can improve. Hopefully these are things I can bring up in counseling. Other then having our chores of making sure our beds are made in the morning and receiving my medication and cigarettes and meals. I feel like there’s a lot of things I could do during my free time.

Although, I need to depend on God and find it within myself to know what I can do. That’s part of being thirty, I am doing better than I was when I was running off. I feel closer to God as I have been reading my Bible App. I am outside smoking and am grateful for the money my Dad put into my account last night. I wrote these different parts of life in the back of my new planner, in the notes section. I am reading articles a lot from Pinterest on suggestions to do. 

Making It Monday

​It’s Monday Morning, and I am thinking about what I want to accomplish for the week. I don’t want to waste time procrastinating on things that aren’t going to move my life, business, or goals forward. As I am sitting here with my journal, planner, and pens; I am reminded of the goals I’ve been coming up with. 

We had our caregiver drive us to the center; and I am blessed through any situation God places me in. It’s important that I start doing things that build better habits and can help me to have a brighter future. That means focusing on things that build a sense of accomplishment and confidence, by doing the hard things first thing in the morning.

One thing that happens, every morning during the week, is that we go to The Center. The lady in charge, calls me too tell me she is on her way to pick us up. Though this morning, she called and said she wouldn’t be able to pick us up. Luckily we made it here anyways; in time to have breakfast. Came inside from smoking two cigarettes and it’s definitely Summer in Texas. 

Wisdom On The Weekend

​I made it home from Bethel Church and had a bowl of spaghetti. It’s hot outside and the mile and a half to church and back was well worth it. I was happy they served coffee and donut wholes at Church. I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday and didn’t feel like doing anything. It’s important to start small and simple; when you’re trying to do something new.

I’m going to miss going places with my caseworkers, as our time to go out and do fun things is drawing to an end. I’m glad I was able to help surprise a caseworker for her Birthday. When another caseworker picked me up from the center, Friday afternoon, and we went to “Funky Town Donuts”. We celebrated her birthday and I helped with blowing up balloons and we had pizza and donuts. I had a Tiramisu Donut and half of a Maple Bacon Donut, on Friday. 

Today at church, The Preacher Congratulated Seniors who graduated in 2022. He handed them Journalism Bibles and prayed over them. The Sermon, was about communication and how in Acts 2:5, The Spirit used the miracle of languages to invite The Nations. As a communication major in Public Relations and Advertising; communication fascinates me. If I knew what I knew now, I wonder if I would have Graduated from UTA five years ago. 

It’s important to not try to do it all at one time and take small steps to move forward than spread your energy and resources thin and not get anywhere. To get back on track with life, I am using today to get my priorities straight and look over some of the goals I have set for myself this year. 

Life is a journey and not a destination; such things as learning self-discipline and learning to live creatively, take time. I’m Making a Christian Playlist on SoundCloud and reading articles on Pinterest. 

Freaky Friday

​What about today, makes it such an odd day. Other than the confusion about how we arrived to the center this morning. Friday the 13th, is marked as an unlucky day, and when my caregiver arrived at the house she started fussing about us having coffee ☕️ last night.

We aren’t supposed to have coffee at night and the caregiver suggests we only have one cup. I just had a cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette. Today I want to talk about limiting beliefs; as I am not a fan of the movie. Actually, I don’t think I have ever sat down and watched the movie “Friday The Thirteenth”. I have seen “Freaky Friday” where Lindsey Lohan switches with her mom, and I don’t think I would like to switch with my mom. 

Beliefs that hold you back, especially on a superstitious holiday. When we’re already told not to do something, the best thing to do is not do it. I have learned this lesson the hard way. We hold ourselves back from doing a lot of things. Meanwhile, blaming our circumstances and other people. 

It’s important to have your mind in the right place and not being skeptical, critical, or untrusting. When I am feeling critical of myself, I am hard on myself. Nothing seems good enough and I know I shouldn’t live to please others but I am not really connected to God, like I should be. The Bible says I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. It also says God will never make you go through things you can’t handle. 

Trying On Thursday’s

​We are all made differently and we all have individual talents, that God gave us. In order to be successful; you are told to share your talents with the world. The lady in charge of the day program gave me a dollar, and I bought a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine. She gave me the dollar because I helped hand out lunch. Things come to us easier if we’re in a good mood and willing to try. 

Trying doesn’t mean to start being hard on yourself as soon as things don’t go your way. I have learned that through trying and learning what I am good at; to keep doing the best I can with what I have. Talents take time but I am making good progress and I am on my way home from The Center. I want to work on things that are worthwhile and stop being so lazy. 

As someone who has dropped out of college and is living on Social Security, I have been thinking about what I have read in news articles about Student Loan Forgiveness. I have been wanting to finish college but financially I can’t do that. I have been thinking about doing some freelance work in writing and creating, but I need to read more about it before I get into it. Sitting outside, as I was just dropped off at the house, after I smoke a cigarette. 

I have about two and  a half hours, that I could be using more productively. Time to catch up on my reading of “The Night Portrait”. I could get on my laptop and do some research and read articles. My goal is to use my time wisely.

Towards Thursday

​I just arrived at The Lions Center and we’re waiting for breakfast. It’s Thursday, and this week has gone by fast. As I get older, time seems to go by faster. Towards the end of the week and I have learned a lot off Pinterest and through writing my posts. I bought a new planner yesterday when I went to Target with my caseworker. It starts in July; though it has a monthly calendar for May and June. Drinking a cup of coffee and thinking about what I would like to write about and research on today.

I know for a little bit I have been posting the day of the week and a topic. “Towards” makes me think of setting goals and having something to work towards. Things are going good, as I just went outside and smoked and am drinking my second cup of coffee ☕️. 

I have to be focused on something that I can do to make my life better. I have stayed pretty solid in my daily mission of staying here since March of last year without leaving. Trying to set some goals to work towards.

I was informed that my caseworkers, have gotten their company cars and gas cards taken away. Meaning starting in June, we won’t be able to go out and do fun stuff, like going shopping or too the park. On Friday, my caseworker asked if I wanted to meet.

Goals To Work Towards 

1. Setting up an online Art Shop! I have told my readers and the people that visit my page about JF-Designs. I am working towards creating a great portfolio and hopefully I can start creating for profit.

2. Staying persistent on writing and blogging. This month I have posted more than I ever have in the past. Before I wasn’t persistent with posting and I would write whenever I felt like it or it was convenient. I am learning to enjoy it and it’s better time used.

3. To read more and research. I am reading “The Night Portrait” and am half way through with the book. My research topic of the week is how to accomplish more. 

4. To start getting up early and setting a decent sleep  schedule. I went to bed at 8:30PM and woke up at 7AM. My alarm goes off at 5:45AM, although I keep turning it off and going back to sleep. 

5. Student Loan Forgiveness. I have been reading the news articles on Facebook and Google about this topic. I’m hoping for more than $10,000, I’m hoping to get rid of my Student Loans all together, $18,000. 

Willing On Wednesday

​I have been writing in my small black sketchbook that I got for myself on my last birthday with the money my grandma sent me. I also have my planner opened with the notes I wrote down for this week. I am willing to work on myself and that is important. Becoming a better version of myself will take time. 

Writing this kind of stuff comes easily to me; although it’s the dedication and perseverance I am learning is the hard part. I have to be willing to keep learning and writing and creating on a daily basis. Willing to do things you don’t want too, don’t feel like it, and when those things get boring, hard, and frustrating, is essential to becoming a success. I helped pass out plates to the people here. The more that people trust you, the better things are willing to go. 

Willingness to keep staying on the schedule and using my time wisely to better myself. Change is constantly happening regardless if we see it or not. Though drastic changes are the most dangerous and it’s better to take it one step at a time. I am willing to stay and keep taking my medication and sticking to the house rules. One thing that has really changed is my perception as I am aging. I am learning that to be healthy I need to take care of myself. I have stopped taking my heart rate and on the 24th, the day after my counseling appointment, this blog will be a year old. 

Why’s On Wednesday

​Why’s are a motivating factor behind everything you do in life. In the past I haven’t really stopped and paid attention to my motivating factor of why. Why do I want what I want? I haven’t thrown a fit but there’s a lot of times I have needed to take a step back and be patient relying on God, for the things that count. 

It’s important to Believe & Have Confidence that things will work out. We are creatures of habit and when things don’t work we often times get frustrated. I’m at The Lions Center and today my caseworker is coming at 2:30PM; and I am going to buy three packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes. I have been smoking since I was 15 years old; that’s about 20 years. 

I started college soon after I turned about 16; and I have been through a lot. It’s important to not give up on my educational efforts just because I dropped out so many times. It’s important that I find things I want and need to feel accomplished. Though I am thinking about things I really want and why I want them. 

What I Want & Why I Want It

1. To become a successful entrepreneur.

I have my JF-Designs, Facebook page and am looking forward to learning about how to become a successful entrepreneur. I am taking small steps to add a portfolio together on arts, crafts, and writing. I have been adding to the page slowly and have had it up since 2010. 

2. To stay at The Group Home and The Day Center.

This is the safest place for me to be. I am on my medication and receiving all my meals and I have designated times to smoke. Next one is at 11AM, in an hour. I have a bed and my stuff; including books, my clothes, and my laptop in my room. 

3. To be part of my family and enjoy good times together.

I enjoyed the past weekend with my family and things are going well. I am glad they are still in my life and haven’t turned their backs on me. 

4. To be faithful and persistently seeking wisdom; waiting on God’s perfect timing to ways I can turn my life around.

I’m driven to do the right things, especially now that I see I’m growing up and maturing as a beautiful daughter of God. I don’t want to go back to things that were harmful for me in the past and am taking it one day at a time.

5. To consistently write and unbury the truth about my past and learn and teach ways to make it better.

I wouldn’t consider being a life coach, although my son said I would make a good therapist this weekend. I enjoy my blog and I believe it is important for me to share my thoughts and writings and key points of help to my readers. 

Trusting On Tuesday

​My caregiver called and said she needed the number to True Mental Health; although I don’t have a designated person to do this, instead I am seeing one person from their team a week. She said she was at JPS, and she would see that we get our medication and cigarettes. My Purpose; needs to be too better understand myself and how I can get past my 20’s; when I lost the trust of my family through sex, drugs, leaving, and being unstable. Now that I am in my mid thirties and am about to be thirty-five at the end of July on the 28th. This is more important to me than ever before. 

I have learned that I would be nowhere if I didn’t trust in my caregivers, and my caseworkers. I’ve been a part of Cave Care Adult Group Home, since 2016. Although I don’t see my family a lot, today is Tuesday and I’ll FaceTime My Dad at 3:45PM. I don’t work or go to school, so it’s up too me to keep pushing myself to do better every day. Mostly that’s what we’re called to do in life, go to school and work. Though what if life didn’t go as planned, I am being patient at The Group Home for Gods assignment for my life.

Trust; one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have given up before and hurt a lot of people and a lot of people hurt me. From bad relationships to fights and finding the strength to go on daily sticking to the plan of staying in the group home. Trust can either make or break the relationship and the time that we endure.

 I am glad it’s lunch time and I have mostly wrote in my planner and sketchbook after reading helpful articles on Discipline and Persistency. Multi-Tasking at the moment which they say is bad morals and not something you should do. So I will take the time to finish my lunch and go outside to smoke before finishing this blog entry.

Why To Trust ♥️🌹

 When Someone Who Has Let Us Down In The Past. 

If it wasn’t for God showing us first of unconditional love; think of how much we would be hurting. If from the moment you and I were born everything was perfect and we never had the mistakes after Eve ate the apple 🍎 from the Tree, God told her not to eat from. It’s especially hard for a teenager to not go along with peer-pressure and to start resenting parental authorities. At least this is my perception on my reality.

I was a 15 year old Freshman at McNeese State University who got involved with a bad crowd and started using CoCain and Weed for the first time as soon as I left my family. In 20 years I have experimented with all sorts of things I am not proud of. I am a recovering addict and have dropped out of college several times. I am glad to be alive today too tell my stories of growing up and getting right with God. 

After having a little boy at 26 I have learned that we want our children too do the best they can, and I know and have to live with the fact I have let so many things happen and destroy my relationships. My Mom and I are having a hard time working through the past and I was devastated to the first time I had to confess to her. There’s certain things that we can’t hide, no matter how hard we try. The truth always shines through. The fact that I wasn’t married and the guy that got me pregnant has been hard to live with; and I know it’s my fault since I did the opposite of what God and my family were trying to teach me and learned the hard way. I once told my parents that I would not know if I didn’t experience what life had to offer.

I am willing to make amends and am known for my resilience. I can’t fix everything and the more I push it the worst it gets. It’s better just to take it moment by moment and see how things get better or worse. I have been sober for three months now, am staying away from sex, and depending on God more than ever before.

How To Trust! 

Like I said, receiving and having trust, has been one of the toughest things in my life. My roommate seems to like watching Jerry Springer and Maury. Shows like that make me cringe and I don’t feel comfortable watching them. So I try to listen to my headphones or turn the TV off. When people don’t act like you want them too or things don’t work out, they say to talk and resolve them. I have a Pinterest Board on “Repairing Relationships” even though I don’t like confrontations. 

I have told both my parents that I am sorry about the way I used to act and say thank you for everything you do for me and the family. Though I have learned through trials of running away that sometimes they listen and sometimes they don’t. It is especially important for me to come from a place of sincerity and of not giving up, as I also have a Pinterest Board on “Not Leaving”.

When you have to trust someone in order to survive, life is in their hands and I should have thought harder when I left my son. Although I am blessed that my parents and sister were there to take care of him.   

Tell Me Tuesday

​I am at the center and didn’t receive my medication this morning. The lady in charge of the center, picked us up before our caregiver arrived to give us our medication. I have one more pack of cigarettes from what my dad gave me this weekend. It’s important to tell the truth and do our best to abide by the truth. I helped pass out bowls of oatmeal to the people at the center.

In the past, I have worked in restaurants as a waitress. I have worked at Casa Ole in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Hauffbraugh’s and Cheddars in Arlington, Texas. That was a long time ago and it didn’t last long. I am good at following directions for the most part but I found myself liking retail better. 

I have been reading a lot of articles about writing and starting an art business. My son was so precious as he said his first goal for our Art Shop, is to make $300. Although I have started an online Entrepreneur Facebook Page that I have had up since 2010. I haven’t had to much success with it. 

When I started blogging I also wanted to make money. I had JohnnaFloyd.com open for as long as I could. Financial I was unable to reopen the domain this year. I make about $125, a month. I hated to get my hopes up only to find out I wasn’t making any progress.

I’m fortunate for everything in my life and I know that God is moving to work some great things out for us. Through hard things like not being able to receive medication this morning to seeing how blessed I am to have a good nights sleep and having a second cup of coffee this morning. The truth is that it’s easier said than done; we have to prepare, plan, and set goals in order to make our lives better.

In the book “The Night Portrait”; a reoccurring theme is that life would not be worth living if it wasn’t for Art. I brought my backpack full of Art Supplies and I have only had inspiration to make a few drawings since the beginning of the year. I know I have a lot of free time to work on creative things but filling a blank page is calling for more creativity than I have right now.

We all go through hard things in life and when I think of the things that are impacting me the most, it’s my depression and being idle instead of productive. Suggestions are given but sometimes we would rather someone ask or even demand something of us, instead of carelessly wasting away the day. 

The Truth is I wish I were more successful and more put together. I’m reminded while reading my Bible Studies, that nothing is a waste. I may not be a hundred percent on my abilities right now but through hard work and dedication I have learned that being a better self is a never ending cycle and the more you don’t give up the better it gets.

As someone who has given up on the group home five times and am still here. I have learned that I can’t force anything to happen and to place it in Gods Hands. 

Moral Monday

​I am starting to feel better as I took my medicine this morning. I put the roses on the table at home, last night when My Dad dropped me off at the house around 7PM. This morning I didn’t want to wake up and I slept good till 8AM. When I think about “morals”, I think about the discipline and persistence it takes to make things better. 

Although I haven’t always been faithful to taking my medication and being there for the people that matter the most in my life. I have had to start having patience when things don’t go my way. To not make a big deal out of things I don’t like. One thing that is helping me is writing about my day. 

I have been persistently taking my medication and staying with the Day Program for over a year. I am responsible for my own self; and every choice I make has a consequence. When I left I was being selfish and didn’t make good choices. Sitting here, thinking about how to make this a good week.

Monday is the start of a new week and even though I am not going to see my family for a while. I am remembering the weekend. I am gaining a greater understanding of who I am. Through reading and writing I have learned that God loves me each and every step of the way.

Things may not always happen the way you want them too. Though through doing the things you do every day results in seeing better days ahead. Staying with my family for the weekend was a blessing. I’m now with my other family at the group home. 

Happy Mother’s Day

​I’m sitting in the living room with my family. My Mom, Dad, and Son, and our family dog Dixie. My parents got a new sectional with reclining chairs. I’ve drank as much coffee and smoked as many cigarettes as I wanted today.

I’m blessed by the presence of my family this Mother’s Day. Thankful that they have been there through everything with me and still love and support me. My son is eight and we’ve been doing a lot of coloring. 

I am glad I have a great son, although things aren’t perfect. My sister does a lot to take care of the little one and she has since I moved to The Group Home. This morning I received chocolate covered strawberries 🍓 and we three shared them. I also received a vase and a dozen roses 🌹. Although I am not here all the time and I hardly do my job, as a Mother. My Son and Family reminded me that they love me and it’s good that I am trying better.

My Mom opened her present from me and I got her a body spa set, a heart floating plaque, chocolates, and a card. I haven’t opened the card from my son, yet. I know I am his birth mom and I haven’t always been there. My Family takes care of him. I want things to work out and look forward to many more enjoyable family moments.

Fabulous Friday

​The weather outside feels great and I enjoyed my slurpy from 711. I have been keeping a journal on Evernote about what I am doing throughout the day. I’m waiting on the caregiver for tonight, speaking of which it’s her knocking on the door now. As soon as she arrived I made a cup of instant coffee. 

Our help comes in to cook us dinner and give us our medication. We also receive our five cigarettes, although I purchased a pack of cigarettes at 711. I know that smoking is a really bad habit and there’s so many better habits I have been reading about.

When she arrived, she asked where everyone was. Reluctantly I told her I didn’t know. There’s six people that live with me here on Hightower. I am learning that in order to get along it’s better for me to be patient and reading The Bible has really helped me. 

Tomorrow Morning My Dad is picking me up to go spend the weekend for Mother’s Day. We’re going to Skillet N’ Dinner in the morning. 

It’s the end of the week and I noticed I blogged twice on Monday and Wednesday, so to make it even out I’m writing tonight as I shouldn’t spend too much time on my phone while I’m with my family. 

Focus For Friday

​It’s the last day of the week and I am excited to see my family this weekend. Drinking my second cup of coffee and thinking about what I can focus on. In order to grow and mature as a daughter of God. I have been reading my devotionals from the Bible App about prayer and waiting. Rather than being depressed I need to know that any trials I face, God uses my personal abilities and strengths to make me the person that I am.

Instead of focusing on the things that could go wrong, I need to focus on the things that bring me and my group blessings. The Pastor picked us up and we arrived at the center at 9AM. His wife said we are changing buildings next week and a few of us will have the opportunity to work to get the building in order. She said we will get paid for the work we do next week. This is a blessing and although I have liked being at The Lions Center, we are on to the next chapter.

A new chapter, as it is becoming summer. I talked to the guy who lives with us at the group home and he said he is proud of me for having great resilience and being able to turn my life around to doing better. Through the help I receive and being diligent I have turned my life into a life I am starting to love. Though trialing times in the past were mostly my fault. My friends and family have really been there for me.

Focusing on how I can be creative and hopefully I can draw something good today. As I have my sketchbook I got for Christmas and have only used a few pages. Seems Creative Ideas and solving problems is one direction that I want to follow in my life. I am proud of myself for blogging more this week then I have to begin with. 

Thursday’s Thought’s

​We arrived to the center around 8AM; it’s an early morning and it’s Cinco De Mayo. I took three semesters of Spanish in college and this is not a highly celebrated day. It’s cool that it’s already May. I am looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my son and having my mom open her present for Mother’s Day. 

My caseworker picked me up at the center for my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. She asked where she could get a “Sombrero”. My psychiatrist is keeping me on the same medication. I am sitting here after being outside to smoke two cigarettes. Waiting on breakfast; we are having cereal this morning. 

Thought’s about my counseling appointment coming up at the end of the month. Thinking about articles I have read and the book “The Night Portrait”. It’s important that I continue to read and write on a day to day basis. 

Thought’s about the purpose’s and life decisions I have made on Tuesday to become a better self. I need to know who I want to be and take actionable steps. I want to feel safe, happy, fulfilled, abundant, healthy, strong, loved, and that I have something to live for. 

Wishing On Wednesday

​My Dad pointed out yesterday that I have always been hard headed. If I wanted something I would do anything to get it. This has left me to think about what might have happened differently if I wasn’t so hard headed. What do I want to accomplish in this life? I have been doing what I am supposed to and things have been going better.

I wish everything about school would improve. I am hoping that Biden and The Government have some source of Financial Aid that will be useful to me; as they are coming up with a solution. My mom asked me yesterday what I would do differently if I had the choice. I wouldn’t have dropped out of Astronomy and would have made better grades. This was the first class I dropped out of before I dropped out of my Senior Year, two years consecutively. 

Financial aid isn’t due till August 31st, and they have postponed it several times this year. I am on a pay as you earn deferment. The problem is I’m not earning anything and can’t get a job. If I could get a job, I would need uniforms and a way to get there. I also can’t earn more than a thousand a month on the Social Security Program I am on. 

I wish I was doing something more productive with my time. Like working at a real job, like I did when I was 18. I was working for Target and had worked there at Target on Cooper St. for a whole year before quitting and changing jobs to work at a pizza restaurant as a waitress. My Dad asked me not too quit but I quit anyways. 

I wish My Son wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Hopefully as time goes on, this will change. I wonder how I was as a kid. God does everything for a reason. Last night my caregiver told me, that God knows what choices we are going to make before we make them, as well as knowing what we are capable of.

Waking Up Wednesday

​My Alarm on my phone went off at 5:45AM. I didn’t want to wake up and pressed stop on my alarm. I should have gotten up and taken a shower. Though the extra hour in bed was calling to me. Instead of sleeping in, I could use this time to better prepare myself for the day. I need to be intentional with my time and use it for productive things that matter. 

Our caregiver called me and said she was on her way. It is 8AM and I have had my medicine and received my cigarettes. My housemate and I are waiting on our ride to the center. At The Lions Center; I had two cups of coffee and a sausage and biscuit from McDonald’s.

I don’t know what it is about myself in the mornings. I have no desire to wake up so early. I went to bed about 7PM. I know I am getting enough sleep and I am almost sleeping too much. After reading an article about “A Good Morning Routine”; I feel that there are certain things about mornings that could be better. 

Mornings Impact how your going to feel for the rest of the day. Setting up a good morning routine will improve my life. I really want to start waking up at 5:45AM without falling back asleep. After we’re done at the center I have a three hour chunk of time where I could take a nap. 

Thinking Tuesday

​It’s cold outside and I didn’t bring my sweatshirt. The weather has been so nice outside and I didn’t think it would get cold. I woke up around 8AM; and took my medicine. I’m thinking my mom will like the present I picked out yesterday. I’m thinking about all the times my family has been there for me. As well as how I can better use my time to get some things done.

That’s the thing about being productive. Drinking my second cup of coffee and grateful for the help I receive on a daily basis. I am in a point in my life where I don’t really know what I want. I know I want to be successful but I don’t know what aim I have in life. Thinking about what my caseworker said yesterday about getting to go out to do things. 

Thinking about how I’ll be one year older by the end of the Summer and I need to keep doing what I am doing. Right now I am doing what I am supposed to. Staying home and away from drugs and reading and writing a lot. The more I write the more I come into enlightenment about what it is I really want in life. 

The Passion to pursue a meaningful and creative life with My Lord and Savior, My Group, and my family. 

1. Although all things are not up to us; knowing that I made certain decisions that have brought me this far in life.

2. Making things meaningful will call for a greater perspective and sense of knowing who I truly am.

3. Although I am not as far along in life I now have the confidence that as long as I pursue my hobbies I can turn my life around and do some amazing things with God’s help.

The Purpose of showing up for myself and taking care of what I need daily.

1. While reading through my blog I am sure you know about my love for cigarettes and coffee. Although I know smoking isn’t what’s best for me. After smoking several cigarettes last night on our smoke break from 5-6:30PM. My throat started hurting and I had a hard time swallowing.

2. Thinking and Reminding myself that through persistent actions and incorporating good habits I can start a life that is better for me.

3. Remembering not to go back to the way things we’re and leaving the past behind me. Taking it one day at a time and moment by moment to become a better version of myself.

The Purpose of being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around.

1. The main person there for me is My Dad. I have put him through a lot but he has always had unconditional love for me.

2. Although my son and I are not getting along to well. It’s being there for him through it all and learning from my parents to provide him with the same unconditional love they show me.

3. I would love to rebuild the relationships with My Mom and Sisters. I am going to be an Aunt soon!

4. Respecting house caregivers and following the house and center rules. With a Godly attitude and with a caring heart for all the things that go good around my environment.

The call to write passionately and purposefully on a regular basis and not hide away or get defensive about what people think about me.

1. Being open and honest and persistent is the key to success, in my opinion.

2. I tend to stay too myself and I am very open in my writing. I am quite in real life and enjoy my alone time.

3. God calls us to be in a community of believers and to help others. This is my creative outlet to accomplish that and several other goals.

The reasons to seek help and get things right with accepting my mental disorders and self care.

1. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow after the center and I feel that I am doing better than I was a month ago.

2. Through reading other people’s blogs I have learned a lot that’s applicable to life.

3. Not being afraid of speaking up and putting my best foot forward.

Mostly More Monday

​I have a list I found on Pinterest one day about parenting. A few months ago, I took a course on Parenting on Coursera. I really enjoy listening to Coursera about topics I’m interested in and at the moment I am doing a course on Purpose. Everyone parents different and everyone’s parents are different.

When my son was born, my parents suggested that I continue with my Education. I was a member of Single and Parenting at Fielder and a member of MOPS. I’m proud of My Mom as she is pursuing her Masters in Communications. While taking care of my son when he’s not at school. Giving up on my goal of Graduation in 2016; was one of the worst decisions of my life. 

Not only that but I also didn’t want to stay at my parents house. Suddenly after I had gone to jail for a week because I had shoplifted from Mardel’s and Hobby Lobby; I called someone to take me to Arlington Homeless Shelter. After the fact that my dad had bailed me out that Friday. I was embarrassed and felt bad about myself to the point of suicidal ideation. I later found myself losing everything and in MillWood; where my family found Mrs. Charnel and her group home “Cave Care”!

It was Spring Break and my psychosis was hitting hard. That’s when I started noticing my schizophrenic disorder. After all I had been through and about to finish the semester off. I made the worst mistake and continued down a negative path for almost five years. I’m slowly getting my life back in order and today my caseworker took me out to go shopping for My Mom for Mother’s Day.  

Making Monday

​During the week, beginning on Monday. My housemate’s and I go to the center. Two of us, go to The Lions Center. The other ones go to Adult Day Care. I just came back inside the building from smoking three cigarettes. We sit at the tables in here and try to make the most out of the day. I’m looking at my planner and thinking about what I need to do this week.

Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I am looking forward to seeing my family. Mothering is an important job and raising my kid has been a roller coaster of emotions. My parents have been there through all of it and take care of my little one while I am here with the group. I need to buy My Mom a gift and a card. I could make her a card and a gift if TRUE Mental Health can’t take me somewhere.

I was told last week by my caseworker that they cannot take me anywhere anymore unless it has to do with a clinical reason. Which is a bummer, because I look forward to going out every once in a while. Mostly to Dollar Tree to buy things. Especially going to 711 and buying a slurpy and a pack of Lucky Strikes.

It’s the start of the month and I am enjoying this nice weather. Although we stay inside most of the time with exceptions to go smoke or walk to the corner store.  

Start On Sunday

​It’s the start of May; this year has been going by fast but sometimes it is slow and we get bored of doing the same things everyday. I went to church this morning and had communion. Part-taking in the precious Lord’s Supper; as the guy and his wife talked about Jesus’s body and blood.

My housemate and I walked about a mile and a half to get to Bethel Church ⛪️. Back in my room, after eating lunch. Today we learned that it all starts with waiting on God’s promise. How many times have you or I taken things into our own hands only to be sorry and depressed afterwards. 

If I would have slowed down and been patient with myself, others, and God. I believe I would have been more successful. Waiting is so important and praying while we wait is what we’re called to do as Christians. 

Praying for recovery and counseling and getting my priorities straight. Praying for the relationship with my family and especially my son. As it’s the start of a new month I am taking time out of my day to prepare for May. I thank God for every moment and getting me this far in life. I started new Bible Studies on the Bible App on Waiting and Prayer.