Hello Church Party Parents

​Haven’t read nor wrote; my real daddy’s war story in a pure week. How was I sitting comfortably in the stories he should’ve told. They should have told the sailors we came to help a convention center with the coffee. My Father’s Day $”Stressed Me Out!” If I don’t keep smoking them I’ll just die’! 

My bestie died of cigarettes and it’s there in my vehicles trying to do the nastiest stuff I have ever seen. They were talking about “snack food” as if I had to Fuck MyStudentAid Self. As a McDonald’s McNeese 4.0 Student; then I did it.

I’m getting my injection today at True Mental Health! Good Morning!!! 

Six Sick Sunday

​I just made a new Pinterest Board with the title of Overcomer! I haven’t been able to sleep all night and the company of pets; sitting on the bed with my family’s cat Hymn! I need to pay greater attention to details and I am concerned about how much we smoke.

I’m sorry little one; but to be a veterinarian, you will have to do better. I’m tired of making excuses for myself and I have and haven’t made the situation worse or better. For the longest time I have been sitting in neutral without moving forward nor backwards.

My next counseling appointment is July First and I asked the family if we could go play putt putt for my birthday. The truth is there’s a lot of sarcasm and picking on each other in my family; close and distant relatives. There’s also competition and I seem too win my dad’s favor often and I am so glad he loves his, son, his grandson.

The beta fish; is in the lighted aquarium and it’s Father’s Day! My family is the greatest thing I have in my life and earlier, yesterday, as me and dad smoked our packs together, we talked about old memories. My dad is a War Veteran and an Engineer. I asked him twice if at the building he works at does Public Relations and he said yes! We talked about how much money I owe the student loan program and I said I was willing to do whatever it took.

It’s 5:32AM and I made a cup of instant coffee and smoked even after they went too sleep. I’m not trapped and I’m not a prisoner; or a victim; but behaving like I have for the past eight years isn’t going to cut it. Acting like a know it all is a very inappropriate attitude and I miss some of the friends my dad and I had in the past. Things can get ugly quickly when others make fun of peoples PTSD.

Any mental health issue is a tough subject; as many things that are worth it in life are difficult. I’m half way in between my book “The Lost Family” and I have really enjoyed reading this year. My Mom said she is taking German, Comm Tech, and two other classes in the fall. The caseworker this week gave me the number to University of Texas at Arlington Advisor Number and I know I have to be mature and call them. Which I will probably on Wednesday.

Staying active in my pursuit despite these set backs is really what I want to learn. I have in my planner this week that I am preparing to write about Self Love 💕! Though the more that I appreciate my own writing the better everything seems to be.

Super Saturday

​It’s ten minutes till three; my dad is making us a pitcher of coffee and we got haircuts this morning. I’m sipping on my coffee and I have had too many cups to count. Since 6:30AM; when my roommate and I woke up, craving coffee. I’m a recovering addict and I have to stay close to my mental health help.

My caregiver let me take my meds in the reminder box and my dad picked me up at 10AM. Most of the people at “The Group Home”; stayed at the house this weekend and I am glad that my father and I have a close relationship. The elderly caregiver showed up at 8AM and I had my medicine and she fixed me two cups of coffee. I tried not too pester her to much when she was making breakfast.

My son is loving “Transformers Bot Bots” and I must agree, my family is a lot better with him, than I am. I’m here for him but not fully engaging. They even have a show about the toys. My dad is encouraging him to spend time with me; it’s been mostly my fault and I am here for both of them.

I gave my dad the book I read about a month ago; “The Night Portrait”. I’m 

Fearless Friday

​It’s the end of the week and I am glad it’s Friday. Sitting at the table inside the center and waiting for a cup of coffee. I had three cups of coffee this morning and opened my fourth pack of cigarettes. Drank a cup of coffee and ate a bowl of cereal. It was my second bowl of cereal and I am hoping to get a second cup of coffee. Though the lady watching the center said I would have to wait.

My caseworker stated theirs better things to spend my money on other than cigarettes. My dad was happy; he wouldn’t have to buy me anymore cigarettes when I go see him this weekend. I have six packs of Lucky Strikes left and I just stepped outside to smoke one cigarette and took a couple of puffs of my vaporizer. Waiting for a second cup of coffee and trying to understand where I wrote on today’s plans to research FEAR.

Fear Of The Unknown; and How I Want To Be Comfortable Here.

I’m slowly recovering from my negative past and learning things don’t always go my way. The lady in charge said there wasn’t any coffee left. That’s alright and I’m grateful for the coffee I have received this morning. The more grateful I am the better things get and I find myself not wasting away as much. 

I have generalized anxiety disorder and have had my fair share of panic attacks in the past. God cares enough about us to provide a way through. Sure, my anxiety attack at UTA wasn’t fun and sent me to the hospital for two weeks and I accumulated a lot of financial debt from dropping out. 

Though I am reminded in Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you in my righteous hand. The center is closed on Monday; and I will be spending the weekend with my family.

It’s important that I know that my mental health is more important than college and money. My comfort and receiving the help from caregivers is important and I don’t have to rush the future. Taking one step a day and not overwhelming myself and also to keep taking my medicine and staying calm. I’m nervous about how my sister and son might treat me but I know it’s going to be a good “Father’s Day Weekend”!

Fear Of Limiting Beliefs; or laziness and being overwhelmed.

I shouldn’t compare myself to other’s or live in a fantasy world where I am not prepared to live. I have stated my Limited Beliefs in a previous post and one thing that is important is that we all get along as a family this weekend. 

I’m reminded in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Ways To Overcome These Fears and Starting On My Journey To Succeed.

Thrive on Thursday

​I woke up at 6:30AM; took my medicine and smoked a cigarette, then went back to sleep till 8AM. The new caregiver who has worked a few days, arrived. In the last hour I have had two cups of coffee and three cigarettes. It’s 9AM and our ride to the center just called and said she was on her way to pick us up.

It’s another hot 🥵 day and I am sipping on my first hot cup of coffee and eating my second bowl of cereal. At the house I had a bowl of Cheerios & now at the center I’m eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. Thinking about what I watch going on here at the center and how I am being able to see my family this weekend.

Thrive; means to grow vigorously, to flourish, to gain in wealth or possessions, to prosper, to progress towards or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. 

I received a call saying that I have an appointment next week on Tuesday the 21st at 2PM, with my PCP. I’m going to be at my family’s house till Monday which is June Tenth; my caregiver has celebrated this holiday a lot and my father is taking off work. Smoked a cigarette and fifteen puffs of my vaporizer; my IPhone acted goofy and I lost what I wrote and had to restart my phone. 

My caseworker came by yesterday and read my blog and some of the notes & commented on my artwork. She was really impressed and said good things about my work. She might come by today and take me to “The Downtown Fort Worth Water Gardens”! Thinking of ways I can thrive by doing what I am doing through writing.

I haven’t been able to read the chapter of the book I am reading “The Lost Family”; the model is cheating on her husband with the tennis 🎾 couch and it’s full of drama. For the most part I stay away from drama but my mom knows that when I was in my twenties I definitely shared in on the drama. I’m grateful that my life is calmer now but I still wish I could do something more productive with my life.

Sitting here at the center; where we are, and finding things to fill my time.

Why We’re Wednesday

​I post the articles that I have read on Pinterest and Twitter. I started college in 05” when I was 15 years old. I’m gratefully connected to The Center and it’s my place of safety; good people, mostly workers, keep us in line and they patiently wait for us to complete our day here. I’m not the one to talk too much and I have just walked back in from smoking two cigarettes and my coffee cup got thrown away.

This blog and although I don’t have a domain and excellent web hosted JohnnaFloyd.Com blog on Wordpress.com; as I haven’t renewed my Wordpress website subscription because of limited financial funds. I take pride in my work and I have been writing since I was 12. That’s when I went into the hospital and needed a spinal tap. I’m diagnosed as bipolar schizophrenia and severe depression seeing a psychiatrist since I had my accident.

I’m planning things to do in the future and hopefully my passion to create a purposeful and creative career in writing; and developing more on Public Relations and Advertising. I know I didn’t graduate and I have had offers to go back to school and am waiting to know what to do with the school loans I have accumulated. I can’t just throw in the towel and give up; I am thirty-four and retired in retail sales.

Something in online customer support, maybe? I struggle to build relationships and I “Know” that eventually something always comes up and God knows my future. Writing has really opened up doors to me knowing myself better and the support and following will come in timing. Knowing that others are busy and being ok with whatever God blesses me with. 

Knowing my parents still support me and I forgot to put Dr. Pepper’s in the fridge this morning. I see my caseworker tomorrow and only have fifteen dollars and don’t want to spend any money. This weekend I am looking forward to spending time with my family. We are hopefully able too exchange the shorts with “Mickey Mouse” for a pair of XL shorts since they’re a M. Which don’t fit me and I wore the sweatpants that say “Hello Kitty” that my sister got me for Christmas.

I’m wanting a better relationship with my sister’s and I will be an aunt soon; my little sister’s time with my son and hoping the relationship with them improves. The more I stay stable and at the group home doing what I am supposed too, the better life will get. I’m proud that I don’t blame anyone and there’s support for mental illness. I’m surrounded by things that make life easier and my mom says too chose my battles wisely.

The idea of starting a magazine and working with mental health resources; has been stated. Knowing that the lady in charge of the day program is also a Minister’s Wife. I have barely started a career for myself and I haven’t worked since I retired from Walmart on RSDI. JF-Design’s and CoDesign and learning more and being persistent and finding ways I can move forward the right way. 

We just ate lunch; chicken fried steak in the microwave and mashed potatoes and green beans. I’m also sipping on my cup of tea and it’s an hour till we smoke and I have six more cigarettes before opening the third pack of Lucky 🍀 Strikes, my dad bought me a carton. I am looking forward to eating steak 🥩 with my family for Father’s Day. Having something to look forward to, really helps and the lady in charge said we will play Bible Trivia soon.

Would On Wednesday

​In the last hour I have drank about six cups of coffee and; I have two jars of instant coffee I bought at the “Dollar Tree”. As well as the big jar of instant coffee my father had bought me this weekend. I’m talking with my housemate’s and the roses 🥀 my father bought are thrown away. Remembering; that Father’s Day is this weekend and dad is coming to pick me up on Saturday. 

It’s also Laundry Day today; I wasn’t the first wash load and there’s five people to do laundry and we also just arrived at The Lions Center. It’s by a house that I was visiting when I had a hard time being sober and recently got torn down. I’ve seen some people on the streets and I am grateful I got away from that kind of life. I’m doing better and it’s been ten months since I last walked away. I’m looking at a coloring page and the coloring pencils set out before me by one of the workers. 

Is today the day to color? I’m also thinking about my sketchbook and the adult coloring books I brought with me. Waiting for breakfast and a cup of coffee. We are told to sit down in our chairs at the table. My planners set out before me and my housemate asked if I would write about our time at the center. The worker just announced she would be bringing our coffee and I have helped before; for about three years I was a waitress.

Today I know I haven’t made excuses for myself and there’s some in here way more mentally sick than myself. I don’t even know what I can say but I have written in my planner; when you connect to your big why you’ll stay on the track towards creating the life you really want to be living! I’ll save the topic of; connecting to my why, for the next post and just relax? 

I also wrote that I need meditation and it will add understanding to my “know”. Getting to the “Spiritual & Intellectual Growth” through allowing truths, insight, and principles change my perspective to better my life. I’m sitting here looking at the coloring page of what seems to be a Polly Pocket doll sitting at a table and chair, like I am, and it says “Let’s meet at the cafe.” I am remembering faces I have met in the past. 

Too much coffee can make your stomach hurt but no one has told me that I drank too much coffee and I haven’t eaten anything for breakfast. I have a pack of cigarettes in my purse and it has ten cigarettes in the pack and I also brought my vaporizer but there’s little to no charge on the Aegis Vaporizer filled with Chic 40mg e-juice. It’s the eighth vaporizer I have had and I have had it since Mother’s Day 21”. 

Tuesday’s Tune

​Drinking my second cup of coffee! I love coffee and cigarettes and we’re waiting for our ride to the center. I am glad to have our housemate back from the hospital. Sitting at the kitchen table and we are both quiet which is good and it seems he/she is feeling much better. I haven’t been in the hospital, all year, and I appreciate that people have noticed I have been doing better than last year. Around this time last year, I was in the hospital four times half way towards the end of the year.

Drinking my third cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette with my housemate. The guy worker is playing music 🎶 on his phone in the room where only workers can sit. The lady in charge of the center still hasn’t called and we’re waiting for her. It’s 8:30AM and I have been awake since 6:30AM. I don’t have much of a morning routine and have read several good ideas. What do you do in the morning that helps? 

We’re at The Lions 🦁 Center and it’s ten minutes till ten. Waiting for breakfast and I am going through Twitter and Pinterest and cutting out the people who I don’t want to follow. Having bravery to get rid of negative energy on social media and I have twice as many people I follow and only a few people following me on social media. Drinking another cup of coffee and about to go smoke a cigarette. 

Drinking a cup of tea and made an 11:11 wish that I could start a career with social media and do well for myself. I have been on Twitter this morning and read several articles on growing traffic. It would be great if I had a following and people liked my blog. I’m still paying attention to Spiritual & Intellectual Growth and am learning about boundaries. It’s lunch time and we’re having sandwiches 🥪!

Monday Morning

​It’s 7:45AM and I woke up an hour ago. My dad took me shopping this weekend; and I am not worrying about money. Knowing I am well taken care of and sitting at the kitchen table with an awesome worker of the group home. The caregiver arrived and I have already taken my medication. She is making us some coffee with the new coffee maker.

It’s too late for me to have breakfast and the owner of the day program drove around after she picked me up for about 45 minutes. I’m sitting at the table and learning about Twitter and how to work with Social Media. I know I want to keep talking about “Personal Growth” and one thing that has really changed is I have thought more in a growth mindset than a fixed mindset. I’m drinking my first cup of coffee at the center and it’s 10:30AM. 

For this week’s topic to learn and research on; I wrote down “Spiritual & Intellectual Growth”. I am trying to manifest a true reality that I can truly begin to love 💕. Letting my inner parent grow more present and compassionate and letting healing happen every day. The house worker who was taking care of refilling medication this morning told me; my blog was good and to keep working on it. I’m learning to be less critical, less worried, and less judgmental. 

Surviving Sunday

​It’s 8:10AM and our caregiver has arrived; the new guy said she was his favorite and told her they haven’t been doing too much for us lately. As I have been guilty counting cigarettes I have smoked since 5:45AM; I have had five cigarettes. I’m thankful that my dad bought me a carton of Lucky 🍀 Strikes. Although I am trying to make them stretch and last, as long as I can.

I had my medication and she is making coffee. I smoked a house cigarette after I took my medicine and my vaporizer is on the charger in my room.  Had lunch and ate ramen noodles; opened a new pack of cigarettes. Waiting for my roommate’s friend to pick us up and take us to church. I am 

Seeking Saturday

​Drinking a cup of coffee and ate a bowl of Cheerios. I’m sitting on my bed and my dad informed me the little one woke up at 4:45AM. Today I would like to talk about being supportive no matter what situation you are in. 

I had two cups of coffee and four cigarettes since 7AM. I’m learning supportive habits and learning ways to be more self sufficient. Being open from my own place of truth; hopefully I can see my dad today but if not I know I will be ok and life is good.

I think of myself as a supportive individual and today I am being patient and not worried if I can get to do what I want. I’m not sending a ton of annoying text and remaining unselfish by going with the flow. 

First Apt. Friday

​I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea, after smoking a cigarette. I’m feeling relieved as I went to my PSY appointment and talked to the counselor. 

She asked me a series of questions and I see her again on July 1st. I told her about my family situation and school and jail and she said take it slow. I told her I have read several articles and have been trying to set goals. Her suggestion was to start with something small and get better over time.

I read my Adulting 101 book and the topic was “lead others”! The author talked about having decency and I am about to call my dad in ten minutes. I have smoked two and a half cigarettes and I am 

Focus For Friday

​Financial Freedom is such a blessing and hopefully an attainable goal I can reach in the future. When not doing good financially; I feel selfish for asking for more. I needed to take a shower but I don’t have any shampoo and the shower is filthy. There are five things I need on a weekly basis; toilet paper, coffee, cigarettes, tide pods, and soda. That’s what I buy every week; things are getting so expensive and I need a way to make some more money.

The new caregiver is here and I took my medicine and smoked a cigarette. Since waking up at 5:45AM, I have smoked six cigarettes and just received my five house cigarettes. I am grateful and even though I am doing the best I can I am needing to do better. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon. The new caregiver is making a pitcher of coffee and my ride to the center said she would be here by 8:30AM.

I talked to my dad yesterday and asked him if he would buy me a carton of Lucky 🍀 Strikes. He did; then I texted him and said I would rather have my $25 a week. I was hesitant this morning and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He’s taking me out for breakfast tomorrow morning at “Skillet & Dinner” and then we’re going to “Luxor’s Vape Shop”. My dad is very supportive and helpful but never mistake kindness for weakness.

It’s especially important I don’t become a burden on my parents and I am grateful for everything they do for me. The lady in charge of the center picked me up and we arrived at the center at 9:25AM; as she was arriving the elderly housemate who has been here for a while had thrown my phone and was told she would have to find somewhere else to live.

I’m eating breakfast; grits and sausage. Drinking a cup of third cup of coffee and sitting at a table. Despite having a pretty difficult morning and not being able to take a shower. I’m determined to make it a good day and looking forward to my counseling appointment and seeing my dad tomorrow morning.

Although; I haven’t worked in over ten years and my weekly pay has gotten cut in half since the beginning of the year. I know I will be taken care of and things will be alright. I told my father that I have too much stuff in my room and that the house owner is tired of me having a lot of junk in my room. I am focusing on work habits and finding motivation from Pinterest articles; as time progresses I need to be able too show up for myself and work on my future self.

I received my second cup of coffee and am needing help to fill out the rest of my PSY form. There’s several things I can do to make today and the future better and counseling will help. The things I found are; to love myself, use positive self talk, creating and maintaining healthy habits, practicing gratitude, learning new things, mastering my time, making connections, conquering fears, being consistent, finding or renewing faith, and investing in the future.

Trying On Thursday’s

​As the week goes on and tomorrow is Friday; I am also reminded to just take it easy and go with the flow of this place and to not rush anything on my own. We had hotdogs, chips, and cookies for lunch. It’s another forty-five minute’s before we go smoke and I am trying not to smoke too much and I have had two cigarettes since I arrived at the center. I have my main things taken care of and that is what is important. 

Though I have been reading a few articles about careers and setting up your dream life. I have been here so many times and if I did work, I could only earn $1,000 a month in order to stay on my SSDI. Though; if I could learn how to make some extra money, that would be a huge blessing. I’m not ready to do anything drastic and I am mainly depending on the house and day care, caregivers, and my parents; the thought of staying safe is more important than extra money.

Another fifteen minutes till we smoke and I’m trying to limit myself because honestly smoking is expensive and I went to sleep with a bad smokers cough last night. 

Teach Me Thursday

​I’m waiting for our caregiver to arrive and sitting on the couch watching the news. I’m looking too love my job as a writer and creative; each new day has an opportunity for me to write and do research. Practicing the skills I will use everyday and being consistent to  taking massive action. We had our toilet mess up yesterday and we were told we would have to pay an extra $20 next month. Although it wasn’t our fault and it eventually got fixed. 

I’m still learning about “Professional Growth” and trying to set goals in order to succeed. I’m hoping that when I go to counseling tomorrow they can start me in the right direction. Arrived at The Lions Center at 9:20AM and took a seat at a table. Had cereal and a cup of coffee and went outside and smoked one ☝️ cigarette. I brought my backpack and purse; and I have about six hours to spend here. 

Massive Action is when you take action until you get your desired results. Daily we are faced with obstacles, problems, and discomfort. It’s almost 8:30AM; and I have been up since 6:30AM, I had my medication 💊 and a cup of instant coffee and have smoked four cigarettes. When thinking about the future and the kind of work I would love to do. I think about improving my blogs and learning to work from my laptop.

Wanting On Wednesday

​The caregivers are here and I had two halfway full cups of coffee ☕️. I’m waiting on my ride to the center; and tomorrow we might not go to the center because we have an appointment with a new person that is taking care of our medication. My caregiver that has been here since the beginning is sorting through medication and my medicine has changed. I told her about my blogging and sent her the links; I also put my links on Facebook.

I want to have a successful career online by becoming an entrepreneur; and she started to talk about how when I first moved here I was going to school at Texas Wesleyan for Productions and Humanities and the project I did on The Group Home; we have had three new people move into the house. The new residents were interested that I am writing about my experiences here at The Group Home. The new elderly lady is supportive and I asked her what I should do and she said “Fund Raising For The Group Home”; as we ate breakfast at the table.

One Minute left for my laundry before I bring it downstairs to the dryer. The caregiver fixed eggs, sausage, and toast for breakfast and I am waiting on the lady from the daycare to pick me up. It’s almost 10AM and I am waiting at the door for my ride to the center. I have my backpack and purse and my laundry is in the dryer. 

It’s almost 2pm and I danced with the group today. When observing life is the cup half empty or half full? I colored in my mandala adult coloring book today. 

 

Working For Wednesday’s

​It’s Wednesday; and when I lived with my family I normally went to church at 6PM at night. I haven’t gone to church on a Wednesday in over six years. When I was, I was going to “Free At Last” or “Single And Parenting”. I also haven’t worked in nine years and today I am learning about “Professional Growth”. I need to find work and something I love to do. 

I’m waiting for the caregiver or the ride to The Lions Center; and I had a cup of instant coffee and smoked four cigarettes this morning. I put my bedding and dirty laundry in the laundry room in my basket with two Tide Pods. Depending on people is sometimes a good thing and there are times it can get ugly. We are told to help at times and I really regret giving up on so much and the times I have had a bad attitude towards situations.

Though; non of that regret does anyone any good and at 34, I need to make wiser and more sound decisions without seeking approval from others. I spent $20 yesterday on three packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes and a slurpy; leaving me with $15 on Venmo and less than $4 on Chime. I’m glad I have money and look forward to seeing my financial life improve over the next five to ten years.

Strong work ethic defines you and your values; especially when you are punctual and efficient. Since I have been out of market, it will be hard to get back in. Employers might worry that I have lost skills. I worked in retail sales, customer service, as a cashier, and as a waitress from the age of 15 to 26. I was an ok worker but over time I became complacent and unable to work.

I also haven’t driven since I moved here to The Group Home during June of 2016. My father provided two trucks, a mini van, and two cars. I have gotten into wrecks in all of them or destroyed them and I don’t know how I feel about driving or if I will ever drive again. People are complaining that gas is $5 a gallon and I am glad I don’t drive right now.

My role model in charge of the center expressed how she hasn’t had time to read my blogs and I’m in her vehicle and we just stopped by the Post Office. She said she has been trying to get into the new building and will have work for me to do later in the year.

My role model in charge of The Group Home responded to my text and said she will find me something to work on.

Your past doesn’t define your current situation, nor your future. I can learn and concentrate on success and learning from others. While finding it within myself to start earning some money. 

True Test Tuesday

​I’ve been telling other people about my blog and wanting to move forward with my career and online work. Tomorrow I am working on Professional Growth and learning and developing some of the things I love to work on. I turned my laptop on for about three hours when I got home yesterday; although I only wrote a blog entry on JohnnaFloydCom on Wordpress. 

Today I am more focused on my personal life and reading an article about limited beliefs on mylenerietkerk ; one of my limited beliefs is I never graduated and have tried to make money online but it hasn’t and won’t work for me. Instead of keeping at it and working hard with the resources I have to build something that will help me and improve my future.

Another limited belief of mine; is that my relationship with my son won’t improve, he wants nothing to do with me after I abandon him and he needs my parents and not me and our relationship will never get better. I willingly want to work on this limited belief. 

As well as the one limiting belief that I have worked hard on; which is life is hard here and they don’t have my best interest at heart and I am not getting my needs met so I was running away looking to fill that void with other things that only ended in a vicious cycle of being homeless and loosing things and hanging out with bad people and drug use.

Thrive on Tuesday’s

​It’s quite here as the housemate that was having trouble went to the hospital. There’s three of us at the house right now and we’re waiting for our caregiver to arrive in about fifteen minutes. I shared my instant coffee with the new guy and he gave me an American Spirit cigarette. I don’t know how I really feel right now, knowing I have already smoked five cigarettes since I woke up at 6:30AM and it’s almost 8AM.

That sounds like too many to smoke but that’s what I have been doing; who’s to say what’s right and wrong for an individual. I’m waiting for the call that my ride to the center is on the way and I already took my medicine and received my cigarettes. Though when I went downstairs the male worker was here asking if I took my medicine? My medication is working well and I’m glad I have my caseworker bringing me more medicine today.

The caregiver is making us some coffee and it is 8AM. I had a cup of coffee before I got into the lady in charge of the day programs car. We stopped by Family Dollar and she went to go get water. I was going to write about thriving; a word I have read on other articles but I looked the word up and it is a popular health aid. In my opinion the word thrive means about the same as flourish; to do good and move forward.

Thrive; means to grow or develop well or vigorously, to Prosper or Flourish, to gain wealth. To progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances. Right now I’m taking Passive Action; consuming, learning, and becoming inspired. I need to learn to manage unrealistic expectations I have of my social and educational relationships. I also need to take responsibility for actions and thoughts.

I am thriving by depending on God to correct my path and help me deal with the past.

I am eating my pancakes and sausage and received my cup of coffee. God, knows what we need before we do and he knows the path He has lined out for us and knows mistakes of ours before we even make them. God has been so good and I feel like I have started over and have been doing good with his help.

With a new beginning; and seeing that smoking and drinking all that I want is not too good for me. I need to be disciplined enough to make wise decisions for myself and find good ways to move forward. I just went outside and smoked two cigarettes; so I need to read two articles. Though what about the five I smoked this morning? 

If everything was about timing ⏱ how would I better manage my time? The new elderly lady asked what I do at Daycare and how I pay for it. I got a little defensive and told her I didn’t know. My Amerigroup Insurance pays for it and we do whatever we want. One table is playing cards, the table I’m at with another woman brought stuff to do, and many are just sitting and complaining. The lady in charge said we should stretch our bodies. 

The Group Home helps me thrive.

I moved into The Group Home about eight years ago, when my little one was two and a half, in 2016. The caregivers really provide for us. Though I have ran away five times; I am trying to do the right things in life now. I have my bed, my desk, a TV, my laptop, my books, and my clothes, and a good amount of things I have gotten as gifts or bought and collected safe in my room and I don’t have to worry too much about someone stealing from me. I have everything I need at home and don’t really understand what was going on in the past and glad it was nothing too bad that happened.

I am depending on developing my interest to help me thrive; in a career using a lot of what I learned in college.

I’m five courses away from receiving my BA in Communications; school has gotten so expensive, so I highly doubt I will go back. I studied Public Relations and Advertising; I need to research how to make a living doing what I know how to and the magazine idea was a good idea. I have started a Facebook Entrepreneur Page, which has been open for ten years.

Ideas are good but when they are neglected they don’t thrive. I need something substantial to work on and I can do independent studies on topics of things that would help JF-Designs grow and to get started with a mental health magazine. I can’t just hope and wish for my educational mind to start automatically; there’s a lot I could do but I definitely need to keep reading and researching on projects I can do by myself.

I can thrive in my relationships and see things from a better perspective.

There’s good and there’s bad people and I am sure I have written a lot about how people can impact our lives. My family life is thriving and we have spent every holiday together for almost two to eight years and almost every year; except for the times running away and drugs made me disappear. 

My caseworkers and caregivers have really helped me too thrive as an individual and I am grateful. I am slowly letting go of negative relationships that I have made and learning to have a better relationship with myself. 

I am depending on myself to thrive.

At the age of 34 going on 35; I am faced with the decisions of what direction I want to go in. It takes hard work and dedication to do the right things. 

Motivational Monday

​The last sips of my second cup of coffee, tasted like pure joy as I filled out the form for my appointment on Friday at 1PM. I’m sitting here at the table by myself and thinking about the form I just filled out. It asked a lot of medical questions and I filled it out the best I could but I will need help by True Mental Health to complete it. I have the desire to do better and I am developing more discipline though I am going to need counseling.

I’m finished drinking coffee; and waiting till 11AM, when we can go back outside to smoke. I feel motivated but I don’t know what to exactly do with my time at The Lions Center today. I have read three out of seven articles and have four more to read before I catch up with an article for every cigarette. The PSY Form asked about drug use and family history. I’m finding comfort from reading other bloggers topics and I have a ton of Pinterest Boards.

Came back inside the center from smoking; and I need to read six articles. Doing research gives me some more to blog about and I am reading about; Motivation & Mindset. I want to see self growth and growth in my blogging life and the only way too get better at something is to keep at it. Though I don’t have a set to do list I need things that make me better and more to do with my time. Things can always improve but at the same time you and I have to have discipline to not go back to what wasn’t working.

I added $10 to my Chime account from My Venmo; and I have about $15! My caseworker called and said she is coming to bring me my prescriptions and take me to go do something. I’m thinking about going to Dollar Tree & The pizza 🍕 for lunch just arrived. After I ate, the lady in charge, asked me if I had put anymore thought into making a Mental Health Magazine. I have $24 on my Chime Account and $15 on Venmo.

I know I want to make more money and do something as far as my career goes; and she encouraged me to use my laptop more often and do some connecting through social media. Went outside and smoked two cigarettes and I have been spending $18 out of the $25 I receive a week on smoking. It’s only Monday and I don’t want to spend all my money but I want to buy some more cigarettes and some stuff from the Dollar Tree.

Motivationally; my interest in my money situation needs improvement and as I read it is good to learn from success stories. 

More Like Monday

​Good Morning! I’m sitting outside with four of my housemate’s and we took our medication. Had a cup of instant coffee and I am smoking my fourth to fifth cigarette. That’s the thing about living life together we need to be supportive and encouraging. I have about an hour before the lady from the day care program calls and my roommate and the guy who gave our medication this morning have left for The Adult Day Care Center. I’m the only person out here right now.

My Dad gave me $25 after he got off the phone with me last night. I have two new packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes; and the five Cigarettes I received this morning. I’m in my room now and reading what I wanted to write about today; making over the mindset and being patient as you and I get used to changes. Having a positive mindset is one of the most important things you can develop in yourself. 

I’m still dedicating this month as time for “Personal Growth”; I have been consciously rearranging and taking hold of thought patterns. When my dad called me back last night; He told me they went to see the new “Top Gun Maverick” Movie and said it was very good. Hopefully I can get a chance to see it … Eventually. When I was a kid I used to talk nonstop but now in my mid thirties I find it difficult to carry on a decent conversation with anyone or anything other than my blog. We both dislike being on FaceTime in silence because we don’t know what to say. 

Waking Up Early; does leave plenty of time to get ready in the mornings before we have to leave to go to the centers. Having a “Growth Mindset” is better then having a “Fixed Mindset”. The caregiver arrived at 8:15AM and I helped wash dishes. I’m reminded that I shouldn’t have to wait until someone ask me to do something; that I should already go ahead and do whatever needs to be done. 

Self Care Sunday

​Took a shower and I found that I need some more shampoo and body wash; all the residents who live here in the home with me, have been using each other’s stuff and because we don’t talk no one knows. I’m clean and changed clothes after I took a shower. The owner of The Group Home encourages us to keep the lights off in the room; but I like the lights on. 

I want to focus on myself and what care I need; instead of being too social today. The housemate who screams and shouts profanity out loud is back at it again and takes most of the attention. The caregivers have been telling him/her too shut up and they eventually have to do something. I’ve learned it’s best to keep to myself and this blog really helps me get my thoughts and emotions out without having contact to harmful people.

I don’t blow dry my hair and I miss how; my parents used to take time to blow dry my hair like Farrah Faucet. When I gave birth to my son, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and I was slowly getting off methadone. The doctor I was going to was in shock that I was having a boy, since I am on so many antipsychotics and my medication is nothing too mess with and my new psychiatrist increased my Prozac.

I’m in my room alone and my roommate went to church with her best friend; so I turned off trashy tv and am playing the Christian Playlist I have been building on SoundCloud. Mainly, because I don’t have a blow dryer and too cheap to buy one. I don’t do too much for self care; I mean sure instead of automatically getting dressed I could use the lotions and body sprays my family provided me with one of the later times at a mental hospital. I once had a roommate that was so stuck up that she said I shouldn’t wear the same clothes all the time and should change clothes more often.

It’s 4:30; and I just took my medicine and I smoked. I read two articles and called my dad, but he didn’t answer. I’m needing to nine more articles and eat the dinner our caregiver fixed for us. My hair dries pretty quickly but I feel sick too my stomach and she fixed; hamburger steak, pasta salad, and beans. I’m told by my doctor to not eat too much white bread, pasta, and rice. 

Self Vs. Others Sunday

​We shouldn’t take anything for granted and I am sure I am not the only one who has struggled with the fact that I have been selfish in life. I’m trying harder to gain confidence and balance as The Youthful Christian Woman that God and My Family have prepared for me to be. I’m eating a sandwich for lunch at 2PM; and still thinking about the sermon this morning. It feels great to go to church and I am thankful for my sandwich and cigarettes.

I’m needing to read about seven articles because I have had seven cigarettes this morning. Sitting here at the table finishing my sandwich and waiting for the floor to dry. I fall into the niche of personal and motivational blogging and I slightly envy the bloggers who say they are earning a living by writing. I’m not in a mood to dwell on how I am doing financially, as the new male housemate headed for the store by himself. 

I have about $15; on my online accounts and plenty of time to reflect on myself. I’m finding healing from my full relational past and finding I can still use the course’s I took at UTA, even though I didn’t graduate, to plan and prepare a brighter future for myself. At the age of 34, going on 35 and my birthday not even as far as two months away. I am learning that I need to do what is right for myself and be able too stand on my own.

I can’t and will never be able to repay My Father back for all he has ever done for me. Mostly my relationships have not been too good because I have issues with being a “Daddy’s Girl”; for most of my life my Dad has been stationed over seas in The Military. When I first started College at McNeese he said “The decisions you make from today to the future will impact you!” I didn’t and still don’t have the best relationship with my mom or my eight year old son, or my two little sister’s.

At The Group Home; the other housemates and I have little interaction together and my highlight is smoking together and having house meetings. Though; I spend a lot of time on writing, and reading, I hardly speak up and am one of the ones who have been here the longest, and doesn’t have an attitude when asked to do something, or act out anymore. I was asked to take a shower by the caregiver here today and I willingly will before 5PM. I just finished my sandwich and waiting for the floors to dry. Then I will go outside and smoke two cigarettes and then take a shower.

While I have been here in the home I have stayed closer to the caregivers and myself than the other housemates. I would love to bond with someone other than my father but I don’t want to mess up anymore by falling for false hopes from not being able to distinguish between a good and bad person. Hopefully others can begin trusting me and I can trust them. Someone in the house spit on the floor and the caregiver was angry when she had to clean it up.

I’m learning that besides having my meals and a bed too sleep in and ten cigarettes a day. Which is included in my rent and it’s from RSDI and my past work such as Walmart and ROSS that I can depend on my insurance. I’m a young individual and I must depend on God and Myself; and take care of my priorities and no one is going to do it for me. When it comes to relationships people can either pull you down with them but there are very few who are committed to making someone else a better person.

Which takes me to my next thought of how I have stated that I am codependent; sometimes I depend on people and only get hurt by it. I’m wanting good relationships but it’s either give or take. My little one is being raised by my family and I have been forgiven. My Mom said “Chose Your Battles Wisely”. The days of being spoiled by others are over and I don’t want to be in a situation where I play a victim role in which I have been rapped several times or lost a lot in the process.

I’m fully forgiven and I have fully forgiven but that way of “The Old Johnna” is over and I am moving on in life to better things. 

Service Sunday

Drinking coffee and waiting for our caregiver to finish breakfast. Church starts in an hour and a half and I am looking forward to going. It’s 9AM; and I have been up since around 7AM. I am drinking a second cup of coffee and I will leave to walk to Bethel Church at 10AM. My elderly housemate and I walked the mile and a half to and from church. It’s 12:50PM and the walk caused me too sweat and I probably need a shower and some much needed self care.

We had oatmeal, eggs 🍳, toast, and sausage for breakfast. Walking is good for your health and something I should do more often. Although; it’s hot outside and I wish I could go swimming again.At Bethel Church; I had two cups of coffee and two donuts 🍩. We took part in communion and read from Acts 2:40-47. 

Acts 2:40-47 States; “He went on in this vein for a long time, urging them over and over, “Get Out While You Can; Get Out Of This Sick and Stupid Culture!” That Day about three thousand took Him at His Word, we’re baptized and we’re signed up. They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers.

In a World 🌎 of 24/7 News and the community, Especially if your a Christian, you need to ask what you can do for the community. In order to have a real Interaction For Connection; different relationships have a different reaction and emotional response. When our moods and challenges become transparent they can be identified on each and every level. By running to God; we hang on to His Promise and we can develop a Christian perspective to these problems.

As my topic today; I wanted to talk about Nurturing and Supporting others vs. getting in their way and blocking the opportunities for Emotional Growth to develop resilience. In today’s society we receive twenty-four seven and constant information from the news and everyday people. 

We Grow Through Incorporation; it’s not what we can get but what we can give as we devote time and live intentionally and finding unity in God’s desires and not from our own selfishness but finding unity and loving transformation. We learn, worship, and sacrifice together and develop more everyday. Although I have been closer to my family since I stopped running away the pastor spoke to my heart ❤️ when he said; “Your Here For Your Family or Is Your Family Here For You?” and “It’s Me For The Community or The Community Here For Me?”. We either want to keep being selfish or we share and cooperate on what works for the best of everyone.

Then We Go Through Intercession; God doesn’t have problems with your enemies and it’s important to interact to find a community you belong to; for me it’s seeing that I need to step away and give my parents and family a break and trust the care we receive at The Group Home and Day Care during the week. 

Yesterday; I read my Adulting 101 book, which I have been reading a chapter every weekend, so I can focus during the week about the topic of the chapter by doing research. I am learning about EQ; which is Emotional Intelligence and helps you and I know and understand how we feel. The Pastor then encouraged us to walk away from a form of Entertainment that is harmful to one that is good; so I am going to try to do better at reading a helpful self and relationships article on Pinterest for every cigarette I smoke. Through my blogging I seek to look for ways to help others by sharing my God given gift of writing. 

Saturday’s Strengths

​It’s Saturday Morning; and although I wish I could have slept in, I woke up 6:30AM and now I have been up for two hours. Our caregiver 🍪 is here and arrived at 8am and is making us some coffee in the new coffee maker. We also have a new oven installed and she is making breakfast. Smoked half a cigarette and drinking my cup of coffee. 

After I drank my one cup of coffee I finished my cigarette and walked upstairs to open a new box of Lucky 🍀 Strikes and opened my planner to check on what I wanted to write today. I’m learning about strengths today and questioning what are my biggest strengths. 

What are my biggest strengths? I’m honest, humble, Faithful, Simple, Motivating, Assertive, Content, Forgiving, Loving, Kind, Respectful, and Peaceful.

When it comes to strengths; I found it easier to focus on them using a list I found on Pinterest and wrote a list in the back of my planner. We’ll save weaknesses for another Wednesday and just focus on strengths for today. It’s 9:35AM and our caregiver is passing out medication and cigarettes. I’m glad I have a place of my own although I share the house with about six others. My caregiver said too keep doing what I am doing and too never give up.

Sat outside and smoked two cigarettes and talked. She is a good caregiver to talk to; and she’s one of my favorite. One of our housemates likes to talk aggressively to him/her self and is the loudest out of all of us; and our caregiver is constantly telling her that it’s going to be ok and that he/she shouldn’t talk the way they are talking.

I enjoy getting constructive criticism and learning ways I can improve. I have received several complements about how I turned my life around and started doing the right things. 

How can I make better use of my strengths daily?

I have been reading and writing and smoking; still sitting outside smoking and it’s my third one. I am about to go up too my room; I need to clean my room and organize my stuff. I also use a vaporizer and my dad said he’d take me to “Luxor’s Vape Shop” in Arlington, when I need a new coil and I would also like to get some new vapor liquid when we go. Though I probably won’t see them again until Father’s Day.

I need to learn how to be more independent and less codependent but any help I receive makes me feel special. It rained last night and the ground is still wet outside.

How do I change struggles into strengths?

As I think about the many past situations I have been in; I don’t see how I could have walked away from here. We need support more than we need an escape and I have done better. My caregivers, caseworkers, immediate family, and the family here at the group home have been proud of me for not wondering around on the streets and resulting to the use of drugs or having sex. I am also very proud of myself and have seen a lot of progress. 

Common Strengths include Influencing, Executing, Strategic Thinking, and Relationship Building.

Focus For Friday

​For the past month and since I have been blogging more; I have been putting an entry than researching it. My focus for this week is “Emotional Growth”. I have it written in my planner along with some of the notes I have taken throughout the week. I’m reminded of last month’s post on purposes for my life and I want to go over them again.

The Passion and Purpose of having a meaningful and creative life with My Lord & Savior, My Group, and My Family.

The Purpose of Showing Up for Myself and taking care of what I need daily.

The Reasons to seek help and Get things right by accepting my mental disorders and being active with self care.

The Purpose of being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around.

The call to write passionately and purposefully on a regular basis and not hide away or get defensive about what people think about me.

I’m sitting outside again smoking my second cigarette before I go inside and I am going with my new caseworker today at 1:30PM. I transferred $10 into my Chime account from my Venmo; and have $15 in both accounts. Financially; I wish I was doing better and had more money to save and spend. There’s been rumors of being able too work around here at The Lions Center but nothing has happened to earn any extra money. Their looking into changing us to another location but it hasn’t happened yet.

I’m feeling disappointed in the fact that I don’t have a career; as I know that Student Loans are due on August 31st. I should have finished my degree in Advertising and Public Relations and I am being hard on myself about dropping out. If money were not a problem I would find a way to finish. I’m finally recovering from so much self pity and I am starting to like myself more and enjoying my own company. 

When will I learn to be on my own? I’m finally getting over the pain of the past and a few caregivers have given me hope that one day I will be successful on my own. I know that I am also feeling some fear, frustration, and pain as I learn and gain the skills and knowledge to move forward in life.

How Do I Really Start Focusing On Self Growth & Starting To Accomplish All I Set Out In Life To Do?

Friends Of Friday

​Drinking my coffee and I just ate a McDonald’s sausage and biscuit with strawberry 🍓 preserves. When it comes to people around you; what makes you feel supported in a relationship? Or are you like me; and find relationships difficult? We could sit here all day and make excuses for ourselves; but God, wants so much more for us.

As I am sitting outside and smoking a cigarette, I have been smoking two cigarettes, every time I smoke. On our breaks out the back door of The Lions Center; I have been smoking a Lucky Strike and then one I have received from a caregiver in the morning. I asked for a second cup of coffee; and the worker gave me the rest that was in the coffee pitcher. I was grateful even though it was just a small amount.

There’s a Bible Verse that I like that states “No Matter What State I Am In, I have learned to be content!”. I feel supported when the people around me, get along with each other. I don’t like when people judge and I normally stick by myself. I am turning into quite an extrovert and am longing for healthy friendships. I don’t have to go out of my way too find them and I am depending on God to bring the right relationships in my life. I’m working harder on my goals and learning I can become successful through the right things; rather than doing something drastic that could negatively affect my life.

Growing up; I wanted to save the world and seek out new and different things. Although I ended up shorthanded with pretty much nothing too show for myself. When I was 18 and first moved to Texas; I went to hookah lounges and to a lot of DFW’s finest RAVE Events. Times of partying and self exploration, I did have fun but I stopped when I gave birth to my son when I was 26. I had so many good opportunities that I dismissed just to hangout with friends who wouldn’t be there for me in the end. 

I’ll be 35 at the end of July and friends are few and limited; the old friends didn’t stay and some say I was a crappy friend. I want friends but as an adult it’s been difficult and although there is six people I share a house with and about twenty people that attend the center. I need to change my ways and learn how to be a good friend in order to make the kind of connections I want.

Blogs About Making Friends: 

1. The writer of thereluctantcowgirl.com; has several great articles about friendship. She points out that we need three types of friends for personal growth; mentors, friends, and discipling friendships.

Test Taking Thursday’s

​I bought a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine; the dollar I got from my roommate for a cigarette. Last night we had a lot of pizza 🍕. It’s 1:30PM; and we’re headed back home from being at the center. From medical testing to school testing; and everything in between. There are big and small tests you take everyday; things that take work and improvement in the right direction. Such as learning to step up and take initiative in life.

I’m starting to see that I am taking more control of my life and not getting as defensive as I was in the past. I’m wanting to know what is going to happen in the future. I’ve had several people tell me that I have potential to still have a bright future. I’m praying that God and My Mentors show me ways in which I can improve. I’m Especially getting anxious about what is going to happen with my student loans. I want to know if there is steps to take to be able to graduate or work again.

On the way home; the lady driving us and in charge of the center told me I should start a mental health magazine. She said she hasn’t had any time to read my blog after I asked her. She said she would help me with it but it’ll take a while. I don’t have the slightest clue on how to make a magazine but she continued saying that there hasn’t been one and I could do it. 

I am proud that I made it too my Senior Year; but then I dropped out of my Senior Year twice. The first time I dropped out; I was taking Geography, Public Relations Case Studies, IMC Campaigns, and Communication Technology. Test taking has never been easy for me and I have high anxiety. Though even tougher is knowing what to do in life right now. I’m smoking a third cigarette since I have come home and I am thinking about starting on new adventures.

I’m willing to do what it takes too be successful and I am trying not too go into debt or waste too much time. I finished reading “The Night Portrait”; this morning and I really liked the book. There’s free courses on Coursera I can take and I would like to get on my laptop. Things have really changed since WWII and Leonardo Da Vince’s time; reading about war right around Memorial Day was awesome. I had a few members of my family that fought in WWII. 

The next book I am reading is “The Lost Family” by Jenna Blum; who is a New York Bestselling Author. The book takes place in Manhattan in 1960 and is about a chef bachelor who came from a Nazi death camp where his wife and two young daughters died. The story is about how he starts his life with a new woman but his memories overshadow him. 

Throwback Thursday

​I just finished my second cup of coffee and am sitting at the table. It’s 10AM; and I am a year since a blog post which is nice to look back on. I’m still having my times with my caseworkers; and yesterday my caseworker said they’re not all going to stop taking us places. I  started my period about the same time I did last year. I get paid half of what I did last year; since my rent went up. Meanwhile; feeling the hard things in life and working independently through response.

I’ve been here in the group home and daycare center for eight years now. In order to get along; you have to learn that it is about you and not others. Through having self-awareness and taking an honest look at life; hopefully I can find healing and wisdom from the situations I have been in. I am knowing that the best thing for me to do is stay here. 

Though; what about all the five times I ran away? Since I was 13; I know I have ran away more than that. It’s rocky relationships and insecurities for the most part but I have always been taken care of, even in the hardest of times. What exactly was I looking for? Mentally my routine and my medication are working and although I don’t live with my family and the people at the group home are hard to get along with the times in the past have proved to me that life doesn’t get better if you force it too and aren’t depending on God. 

Was I in flight mode because life got hard? Many articles talk about fight or flight response and since I feel I am getting too old to run away and my health is a major concern, even if it’s just me being concerned I have too make the best out of my life and try to find independents within myself by doing the right thing.

Where did I go and run off too? I’m often too hard on myself and in the past I have made so many bad decisions. Resulting to drugs and elopement and going to prison, in 2020, I had a three month jail sentence for shoplifting at Target. I had been on the streets since September 19” to April 20” at the beginning of Co-Vid19. The last time I ran away I went to Downtown and was there from February 21” to April 21”. That’s when I got frostbite on my right hand middle finger and my ring finger. It’s healed now but it was truly a hard learning experience that I will never forget.

The answer is, in my opinion can leave me to feel embarrassed and I don’t know why I thought it was better being risky than being in the comfortable situation like I am right now. Though we have had several that have come to the group home and left and ran away. I’m getting better at being my own unique self and not hanging out in bad places. Though one thing that is helping me is staying out of others drama and focusing mainly on myself. I am learning more about my honest nature, my values, my habits, and my emotions.

Today I am researching “Emotional Growth”; I am depending more on myself to do the right thing than the destructive pattern of the past. An emotionally mature person has reached and continues to reach a level of self-understanding with regards to their thoughts & behaviors. Then decides how to best approach and cope with the situation that might otherwise be challenging.

Wishlist Wednesday

​My wishes for this month are safety; I haven’t been to the hospital all year. Though last year around this time I was headed to a almost four time stay in rehab facilities. The more I work on myself and take care of myself the better chance I have of staying out of the hospital. The caseworker from Amerigroup called yesterday to say she needed to meet with me. She asked me if I was able to shower on my own; saying she had received a call saying I needed someone to help me.

My wishes for this month are healthy relationships; I spend a lot of time in my own little head. Reading and writing and smoking. There’s been a lot of drama at The Group Home and My roommate and I are annoyed. Smoking cigarettes is taking over my life and she was really concerned about how much I have been smoking. I smoked three packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes over the three day weekend holiday while I was at my parents. Also, my family is in the last part of my little ones adoption.

My wishes for this month are too seek help and getting things right with accepting my mental disorders and doing better with self care. I have an appointment and in about an hour my new caseworker is taking me to Family Dollar and then we are having a meeting on FaceTime with my psychiatrist. 

At Family Dollar I bought three books for $5; and I also bought two things of instant coffee and a soda. Then when I got to the house I smoked and bought a housemate and I some supreme cigars. 

Hello June

​I received a new cup from my parents; that says “Hello Summer”; and I have been using it a lot. Thankful that they stopped making designated times for us to smoke at the house. Now, we can smoke whenever we want too. Waiting for our ride to the center; and listening to my housemate yell. I started last night and I’m glad I bought pads, as the ones I had in the hall closet are missing. I have a psychiatrist appointment today at 1:40PM; and I have been doing well on the medication she put me on last time.

I opened a new pack of cigarettes yesterday and although we can smoke here at the house whenever we want too; their expensive and not good for your health. It’s laundry day today and I have a bag of new Tide Pods, that haven’t been opened. Since I don’t have a job and am only receiving $25 a week; everything is expensive. Also, my caseworkers are stopping taking us places. I was able to go to Family Dollar when the owner of the day facility picked us up yesterday. 

It’s the start of a new month; my focus for this month is personal growth. We arrived at the center at 8:30AM; and as soon as we get here, the lady at the front table takes our temperature. Then I ate a bowl of oatmeal and sausage and had a cup of coffee. Then went outside and smoked two cigarettes. 

I am sitting at the table with my notebooks and wanting to do some brainstorming and build a wishlist of where I am headed in life. I’m trying to do a lot of research today to learn about myself; to understand my thought patterns, what is important to me, how I view the world, working through negative thoughts, and dealing with past trauma.

A month focused on Growth before my 35TH Birthday which is in July. Going after your dreams and doing life differently takes a lot of courage, determination, and self-belief.