The weather is cold again, and I unrevealed my fingers from the colored band-aids. No one knew why I ran away last year. Into the bitter cold of the beginning of February. To find myself in a mental hospital a few weeks after getting Frost Bite. That's right permanent damage of the Valentine's 2021 Winter Storm. I know, "Right Now!" I am safer than I ever have been able to with God's help. I finished reading "A Tale As Old As Time" by Liz Braswell, I think I left because of depression as I sit here watching the sad commercial of a puppy rescue AD. $19 a month; how about instead we add $1 to the vending machine or $5 for Boba Tea and $6 For reading "Cinder" by Marissa Meyer. My Dad dropped me off Last Weekend and gave me $40 and a warm hug and said "He Was Proud Of Me for doing what I'm supposed to do and staying home."
The Family's Supportive; as I have spent the Last Weekend and Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend, with my Family. My young one is doing good and we're proud of his grades. I'm on my last pack of Lucky Strikes. Luckily we still get house cigarettes and I talked to My Dad yesterday. About 45 Minutes till we smoke and I seem too do better on my medication. Even though I didn't get my injection this week.
The Group Home is Comfortable and all my work is here; I started SSDI in 2013. My Roommate is making me nervous, pacing around the floor, as I lay on my stomach with my books and laptop open. No calls from Dad, so I'm likely staying HOME due to the Weather.
Last weekend I went to my parents house and spent time with my loved ones. Dad took me to go eat breakfast at Skillet N’ Dinner twice and gave me a carton of Lucky 🍀 Strike Red 100’s and a box of chocolates for Valentines Day. I had a great time and am looking forward to the great times we spend together.
It’s Friday and I am at The Lions Center; I am thankful for the nice weather we are having. It’s important to me that I pay attention to where I am in life. I know that the weather is nice now but we could be in for more snow and cold days.
God has a plan for me and I have to be patient. Most of us deal with insecure feelings from time to time. I am grateful to know where I am in life though it’s not apparently clear about why I ran from the Group Home 5 times. I have several great things going on to keep me here. First being, around good company ♥️ We’re so quiet here and I miss my family ☕️ Through being a single Christian here keeps me in a safe world of my own. We have a roof over our heads and Caregivers who cook for us and give us our medication 💊.
We didn't go to "The Center" today and today I have a Psyche appointment at 2:30PM. Today we're working on washing laundry; and my sheets and blanket are off my bed. I am sitting on the floor and it's quiet, the sun is up and it's a new day. I have plenty of time to do the things I want to do. It's just that I don't know what I want to do. My caregiver; said it's important to realize the things you want to do and just do them. On Monday my caseworker and I went to 711 and I bought a pack of Lucky Strike Red 100's and a Slurpee. Then we went to The Dollar Tree and I bought some coffee. Then we went to Hobby Lobby, The Parks Mall, and a Park. I have $10 so I'll probably go to The Dollar Tree or to a gas station to buy some more cigarettes. We didn't receive house cigarettes this morning and we're hoping we will soon.
It's 11AM; and my clothes have three more minutes in the washing machine. A few weeks ago, around my Dad's Birthday, my parents took me to Wal-Mart and bought laundry packets and dryer sheets.
I didn't go to Bethel Church this morning, church starts in ten minutes. I had coffee and a few cigarettes and my caregiver made eggs and pancakes. I enjoyed the times I have made pancakes for my family at my parents house; and I want to take today to reflect on the things that are working well in my life. We're preparing for Valentine's Day and I plan on going to the Dollar Tree to buy my son something special. The snow and ice is still on the ground. I was reminded yesterday, that I'm happy I stayed home and nothing terrible happened. As some of you can remember, last year in February I walked away from my loving home and was on the streets for three weeks during the snow and I got frost bite.
This time I learned my lesson and I'm safer than I have been in a long time. I'm taking better care of myself and am reminded of the good times and letting my past mistakes teach me a lesson. Yesterday, our caregiver cookie told me I have so much potential and I could really do good if I try. I feel that as long as I keep doing the things I am supposed to by, taking care of my life here and depending on God and all the help I receive I can do good and prosperous things.
I have Social Anxiety disorder and I need to talk to my Psychiatrist about how I might have PTSD. Though mainly I struggle with Bipolar Disorder. Fighting depression and negative thoughts. My family and group has been supportive and I find good articles on Pinterest that help me. All the articles about making money from blogging aren't as important as getting good help and gratefully receiving the love and respect I gain from being in Cave Care with supportive individuals who are also struggling in life.
Everyone at one time or another struggles with life. It's good to be active while having balance; as a group we have endured this storm together. God promises that you won't go through anything you can't handle. I find being comfortable a wave of discomfort at time; maybe because I haven't done the work to truly get right with myself and I need to read more self-help articles and watch more Christian based sermons.
I wrote about how somethings that are working for others may not work for an individual like yourself. One thing I am facing is too choose my battles wisely and not letting my darkest fears get in the way of living a good Christian, encouraging lifestyle. God says, don't be anxious, while the economy is having problems and we're still facing Co-Vid19. How has quarantine been for everyone? We just received new mask from our caregiver and we had two Co-Vid19 test in the last month. When we go down stairs we are to wear our mask and take precautions to making sure we are using good hygiene of washing our hands with antibacterial soap.
You can't make anyone do anything but you can remember who you are while you strive to create a balance of a good relationship. Woke up, after only having five hours of sleep. Waiting for our caregiver to arrive and give us our medication and cigarettes. I had two cups of coffee and two cigarettes; and I want to work on a morning routine and to learn to enjoy my own company today. When you don't love yourself, it's hard to get others to follow you. Which is why it's so important for me to abide in God's love and to stop being Codependent. When your depending on someone else to make you happy often times they fail. I'm watching "Cheaters", definitely want to change the channel, my roommate turned it on. My headphones aren't connecting to my laptop for some reason.
This morning we are still snowed in and I have planned on researching topics and working on my blog and my art work. Relationships are important though unless you can be right with yourself, you can't really depend on anyone else. As an adult; I have learned that being happy doesn't have anything to do with what I get, what I am doing or able to do, or who I am with. We can't let these things define us and we have to draw the line to a place where we find comfort being ourselves and respecting our needs first. I appreciate all the support and help I get though I have noticed I have some codependent tendencies to rely on what my parents say, or beating myself up when the family eight year old doesn't want to talk to me. You are with yourself twenty-four-seven and you never loose sight of yourself whether you like it or not, we're currently dealing with a housemate who has a lot of verbal outbursts and it's hard to not internalize when she is saying negative things even though she is talking to herself. I live in a home with eight different people in the house and our caregivers provide us food, cigarettes, and medication.
I have to be ok with being myself and being by myself and enjoying my own time. Without depending too much on other's for what would be the opposite of adulting. I'm starting the twenty day self love challenge with Amanda, I came across her blog last night and this morning and she is very insightful as well as a great writer. One of the biggest challenges I have is starting something and not finishing it; or being too inconsistent.
Researching Love Topics Before Valentine's Day: Listed below I have written ten ways I want to research my topic of how to love yourself more and things that I am working on.
1. Enjoying Being By Yourself and Really Being There For Yourself.
There's a lot other's can see when someone loves themselves. Though it's important not to be vain and over the top with it. There's a balance of loving yourself that comes before loving others. This year I am putting self-care on the top of my list. blissfulgal.com; has some great reasons why self love and self care is so important. Including that self care helps you help other people, finding motivation, and figure out your purpose.
I've been single for a while, I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship and am happy in my current situation. Though me and my mom hardly talk, and my son says he doesn't want to talk to me. I called My Dad today and we normally talk on Tuesday's and Thursday's. As it's almost Valentine's Day, in 10 days, I wanted to post something about love and keep posting about relationships till it's Valentine's Day. It's not good to post uselessly about the negative so for now I'll focus on the good things. How is your relationship with yourself? Lately I've been taking good care of myself which included taking a shower and brushing my hair today. The owner of Cave Care stopped by and gave us our medication. How is your relationship with your family? Mines decent! While my life here at the group home is going good and we just paid our months' rent.
Trust God in the Time of Healing:
Life isn't easy and no one but, God, is perfect. In fact, God doesn't call us to be perfect just to be acceptable of his word and Who He Is. Trust can be a hard thing to do, and it wasn't until earlier today that I really laid down thinking about who I can trust with my life. Sometimes I like to write journal prompts in my planner to write about.
Materials That Make Me Feel at Home:
I love smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, does that count as materialistic? I have a lot to be grateful for. Including my bed and I just took my dentures out; I've been sleeping with them in my mouth for about a week. Reading hasn't been going to good and neither have I been writing in my books. Well, that all depends on what your idea of productive really is... I guess I could say I've had a good balance with life as of lately.
Don't Be a People Pleaser:
Growing up you learn it's good to choose your battles wisely. To be able to say "No!" when you mean it and move to your own pace. In learning to be yourself, you will find what suits you and what doesn't. I have learned to be patient and humble. Don't judge others and don't have them judge you.
According to Profiler (katiegrazer.com); I am ready to be Passionate About My Blogging. I need to dedicate more time and energy to creating a good blogsphere. I know I use a free blogging platform, but I can't really afford that much. Let alone I can't sit still, laughing and crying on the inside, I'm still walloping all over my bed trying to get comfortable. Probably due to the coffee I drank, my roommate made it extra strong. Seems staying in the house has me and my roommate wrestles. Though staying inside where it's warm is the best thing for everyone right now as the weather is still cold and ice is on the ground. The owner of Cave Care asked me last year if I would start blogging and being active in my writing. I was happy to and bought a nice HP laptop with the 2nd Stimulus check that came in.
Blogging takes time and persistence; I want my blog to reach 1,000 views by March. That gives me a month to triple my views, a whole lot of writing, and really putting my work out there. I have written a blog ever since I was 12 years old or known about blogging since then. I had a personal WordPress, but it was costing too much. I only make about $100 a month. Hopefully through hard work and dedication I can earn some extra income through blogging. Which has been a lifelong learning and dream of mine. I hear blogs I find on Pinterest having this cool career of blogging and hope I can make it happen myself.
My Niche
I like to write about my almost daily life and how I am doing. I have a passion for writing and art and have finished 114 Credit Hours in Public Relations and Advertising. I haven't done near the amount of research I would like; I'd like to research things that matter to you, my readers. Understand that when times of uncreatively uncertain moments face you in times of trials there is hope. In the future look forward to reading about how I am faced with my disabilities and for tips on dealing with similar life situations. I want to be at the center of my writing and I also want my readers to be informed and have a sense of who I am and what makes me who I am. Please follow me on my journey; hopefully we can share and be friends. Thank you to the one caseworker who added me, as I look forward to others adding and following me. For Valentine's Day I'm focusing the next ten days on Relationships.
Finding My Ideal Audience
Most of my caseworkers and caregivers know about my blog. Although I have several friends on my Facebook who have noticed my blog also. To get an audience I need to become a leader and strive to do my best for myself and my blog, not on days it's just convenient but every day. At this moment I don't really know what kind of readers I have to my blog.
Followers
I need to have interesting stuff to write about and really engage with my readers. I want to talk about relationships since it'll be Valentine's Day in 10 days.
Consistency And Trust
I have been acting pretty lazy and not working my hardest and I want to improve; for a long time, my readers have been hearing that without any real proof. I also responded to My Dad's question about my laptop to the answer of using my Cellphone more.
When asked by My Father, if I had used my laptop in a while. The answer was no; I have felt uninspired to write a lot lately. It hasn't been useful just to store my laptop away, I need to use it more. He said to research... Though what has been a reoccuring theme for my life has been to lounge in bed all day and play Coin Master or Doze Off to another episode of Fresh Prince.
It's the beginning of February and snow is on the ground. It started on Wednesday after my caseworker took me to go get my fingers looked at by Wound Evolution. Luckily, they are healing up and the Doctor said they should be done healing by my next visit. I was in good mental condition this time it froze and stayed home, learning my lesson from around this time last February, when I got Frost Bite on my middle and ring finger on my right hand. I have been staying home and enjoying it!
Things I'm Interested In Researching: I want to become than I am right now,
1. How to write better blog entries and more about Blogging. I want to write more, Truely I do, though when I am being hard on myself and not relying on God's word or simply feeling like I'm not uninspired it's hard for me to write.
2. How to grow closer to God and develop a strong relationship with my Creator. I am happy to say I am a Christian and depend on God for my life. I have a Journaling Bible and The Message. I have been active in my Prayer Life and God has been helping me a lot. I am glad that I am a beloved daughter of God! I have been a Christian ever since I can remember. Attending Bethel Church; but since it's still snow on the ground and going to be cold, I probably won't go this Sunday.
3. How to be a good steward of my time, my body, my mental ability and being a well-rounded person. I am happy to say that I have been doing better for the most part and things have been going well.
4. Having a career in Advertising and Public Relations. I don't want to talk about how I messed up through college and I'm hoping for Financial Stability and to get on to a good career track. I have started a small business called JF-Designs. Working on drawings, paintings, and photography, as well as writing and Advertising and Public Relations.
5. Things to do in the future; and how to move my life ahead. Everything comes with God's good timing and right now I'm doing a devotional on what to do during a season of waiting. In the future I would like to make some more money and be more active throughout every area of life.
Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. Hopefully The Government helps us out with our Student Loans. I've been watching on YouTube about Politics and how things are working out in the economy. One of the good ones to watch is Ron Yates and another one is Stephen Gardner. I was grateful to buy this laptop, a desk, IPhone 11 with the stimulus checks that came in last year. I am hoping there is going to be another one but we're uncertain.
Stephen Gardner:
Ron Yates:
2. Spending quality time with my family and little one.
We had a blessed Christmas and on my phone there's this really cool clip of our Christmas. In January we celebrated My Dad's Birthday and we spent Martin Luther King Weekend along with His Birthday together as a family. I am hoping to have many more important memorable times together in the future. I moved out of their home in 2016; and have been living in a group home.
3. Going Out with My Case Workers.
My caseworkers change every week, this week I was visited by a girl in her early twenties, and we went to The Fort Worth Water Gardens, and to Target, and to $5 and Below. I bought several packs, 2, of cigarettes from 711. True Mental Health goes through a list of Case Workers and every week has been a different one. She called this morning to say that she wouldn't be meeting with me this weekend but was on call if I needed her.
4. Staying Home and Being Part of The Group.
We had to fend for ourselves after the storm started when we woke up on Thursday Morning. We had all day to do whatever we wanted. This time it meant staying warm inside and thinking about the mistake I made last year to leave during the Winter Freeze. Our Caregiver is making us a good meal and we finally got cigarettes and our medicine. I am grateful for my psychiatrist and the medicine I get to help me better manage my life. I have bipolar disorder as well as being a schizophrenic.
We have our daily chores around here and we all help out with, washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom. An old housemate moved her stuff out today. We're having a Valentine's Day party soon and this past weekend was the owner of our Group Center's Birthday.
5. Having More Meaningful Conversations and Current Events.
As of lately there hasn't been anything to talk about Not like anyone wants to hear about how I sleep at night or how I feel about the old times I used to run away. Or maybe they do? I want more meaningful times and things to talk about but I know that will include me doing my research and staying dedicated. I'm watching RuPaul's show about his Drag Races. There are good people to talk to here and the staff is really helpful.
It's Friday Night & I'm working on my blog. It's the weekend and I have plenty of time to myself to work on things I want to and enjoying the weekend.
I'm glad the Winter Storm is almost over and it's the weekend...
Hopefully In The Future I can see more readers and expand my blogsphere. I want to research some more to be well informed and to be a more put together person.