We shouldn’t take anything for granted and I am sure I am not the only one who has struggled with the fact that I have been selfish in life. I’m trying harder to gain confidence and balance as The Youthful Christian Woman that God and My Family have prepared for me to be. I’m eating a sandwich for lunch at 2PM; and still thinking about the sermon this morning. It feels great to go to church and I am thankful for my sandwich and cigarettes.
I’m needing to read about seven articles because I have had seven cigarettes this morning. Sitting here at the table finishing my sandwich and waiting for the floor to dry. I fall into the niche of personal and motivational blogging and I slightly envy the bloggers who say they are earning a living by writing. I’m not in a mood to dwell on how I am doing financially, as the new male housemate headed for the store by himself.
I have about $15; on my online accounts and plenty of time to reflect on myself. I’m finding healing from my full relational past and finding I can still use the course’s I took at UTA, even though I didn’t graduate, to plan and prepare a brighter future for myself. At the age of 34, going on 35 and my birthday not even as far as two months away. I am learning that I need to do what is right for myself and be able too stand on my own.
May 10TH 2024" Just came in from smoking a cigarette,... there's a no-smoking policy on campus and I am going over to my families house at 8AM, tomorrow. I only have $25 on my online accounts and I don't want to spend it. Just editing these entries and we just got back from getting a Depakote Injection & Going to The North Side Library.
I can’t and will never be able to repay My Father back for all he has ever done for me. Mostly my relationships have not been too good because I have issues with being a “Daddy’s Girl”; for most of my life my Dad has been stationed over seas in The Military. When I first started College at McNeese he said “The decisions you make from today to the future will impact you!” I didn’t and still don’t have the best relationship with my mom or my eight year old son, or my two little sister’s.
At The Group Home; the other housemates and I have little interaction together and my highlight is smoking together and having house meetings. Though; I spend a lot of time on writing, and reading, I hardly speak up and am one of the ones who have been here the longest, and doesn’t have an attitude when asked to do something, or act out anymore. I was asked to take a shower by the caregiver here today and I willingly will before 5PM. I just finished my sandwich and waiting for the floors to dry. Then I will go outside and smoke two cigarettes and then take a shower.
While I have been here in the home I have stayed closer to the caregivers and myself than the other housemates. I would love to bond with someone other than my father but I don’t want to mess up anymore by falling for false hopes from not being able to distinguish between a good and bad person. Hopefully others can begin trusting me and I can trust them. Someone in the house spit on the floor and the caregiver was angry when she had to clean it up.
I’m learning that besides having my meals and a bed too sleep in and ten cigarettes a day. Which is included in my rent and it’s from RSDI and my past work such as Walmart and ROSS that I can depend on my insurance. I’m a young individual and I must depend on God and Myself; and take care of my priorities and no one is going to do it for me. When it comes to relationships people can either pull you down with them but there are very few who are committed to making someone else a better person.
Which takes me to my next thought of how I have stated that I am codependent; sometimes I depend on people and only get hurt by it. I’m wanting good relationships but it’s either give or take. My little one is being raised by my family and I have been forgiven. My Mom said “Chose Your Battles Wisely”. The days of being spoiled by others are over and I don’t want to be in a situation where I play a victim role in which I have been rapped several times or lost a lot in the process.
I’m fully forgiven and I have fully forgiven but that way of “The Old Johnna” is over and I am moving on in life to better things.
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