It’s almost lunchtime and we’re going to have Taco ðŪ Bell. Though I am never again going to ð§ & ðŦ scanning. These are some of my new desk items & I am just enjoying the day and it’s Friday.
The lunch ðĨ was ‘Great & thank you roommate. I smoked a fourth of a cigar… & I am ready for my afternoon meds & ðĪ nap time.
PFH: Pedi filing [pedi assure] … old men attracted younger women. I was in ‘ADVT Camp ð️ & $60 - $80! Pretty ð handsome man and girls ð§ hanging out in public. With a ‘Make a Wish! $3,998.
I’m glad I got to see my family this weekend; but unfortunately I have been in a weird and bad mood all day. I’ve been coloring and drawing with the little one all day. Seems we go back and forth from a good to bad mood pretty quickly. When things are going you’re way and people aren’t telling you “No!” or stopping you from doing what you want. It’s like times are easier; I once bought and read a book on boundaries.
Discussions have been scary in my head and we result to not talking very much. We are trading nights sleeping on the couch and the big bed. Last night he slept on the couch and tonight I’m sleeping on the couch. I want a good relationship with my little one but things seem to look bright one minute then turn dark the next. I’m proud of my parents and there is a lot to be said of me. As a mother who was on methadone and did drugs, it hurts me too look back on it, even though I have done a decent job staying sober.
Smoked about two packs of cigarettes since Dad picked me up yesterday. It’s nice that I have their support but I know I will never have it as good as when I was in my early twenties. There’s a lot of things I have changed my mind on and knowing I should have listened to my parents over those friends and boyfriends who didn’t stay with me. We could look at this situation as me regretting what has happened or I can use the free time to learn more about what to do in the future.
Knowing there is safety and security in both my life and my little one’s is amazing. I just try to do the best I can with what I have. My parents have provided us with a lot and we’re very grateful. The saying; you don’t know how blessed you are till you lose it, is very true. I had a lot of freedom as a young adult and made choices that hurt me now.
There’s still plenty of good things, for example, my Dad made steaks ðĨĐ tonight and I got a chance to use the microwave and make instant mashed potatoes. My parents bought my little one another “Food For Thought Coloring Book” which seems to be his favorite. He is so spoiled and it’s above and beyond anything I could do for him. My little sister comes home tomorrow and she is a teacher at the old church we went to. She has done more for him than I ever have. They are so good to him and I pale in comparison.
I’ve had a hard time wanting to compare things and I can’t financially afford even my own self, let alone a child. I should have graduated but even that doesn’t mean everything will be good and money is promised. I can hope that I move in the right direction as I stay close to god. While not letting things like how my son said “She doesn’t know how to do anything!” get the best of me. I have been called “incompetent” many times and wanting to prove to others and myself otherwise.
I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks and days. Yesterday, when I told my caseworker that I wanted to write but didn’t have the words to say, she was very encouraging and had faith in me. I started taking Prozac last night as my Psychiatrist prescribed. A mood stabilizer and hopefully it helps with the mood I’ve been in.
Things don’t always go the way you and I plan. Sometimes, you have to struggle to do the best you can. I went over to my parents house for Easter. My little one was sick. Easter is the time we remember Jesus’s resurrection and thank Him for dying on the cross to save us from our sins.
It’s important to believe in yourself, and to take care of yourself. I will be turning 35 years old this year and I am doing better than I have in the past. People may not act the way you want them to. You can’t always control what is happening. My Dad’s truck had problems, so we couldn’t go fishing. We missed church on Easter and stayed home watching movies.
We had an Easter lunch that was good and my little one and I colored placemats from his new coloring book. I don’t want to go into to much detail about how my family and I have been interacting. All I can ask is that things get better.
I’m feeling content and calm this morning. As I am starting to see that staying with the group and my medication is working to my best interest. Enjoying my third cigarette and had my coffee. Going inside to adult day care after I smoke one more.
I brought my backpack; with my planner and pens that are in a pouch. Also in there is my large and small sketchbooks and colored pencils. Along with two coloring books and my journal. I am proud of myself for taking better care of my stuff.
What does it mean to have your life together?
At the moment I am at The Day Care Center and there’s a lot of people who come here every day. I am reminded that my group is just as important as my family; and they are my family. There’s been several people that have been here in the group home in the last five years. We have seen people come and go. I have been in the group home for seven years and have stayed for over a year now. The present ð moment is a gift and I am drawing closer to God; hoping to live a brighter future. As I move into the future I hope to be a mature and smart adult that makes the right choices and becoming more productive.
Didn’t bring my backpack or purse today; I want to get a better grip on life and felt like that stuff was weighing me down. So often in life, we feel where not exactly the best versions of ourselves. It’s helped my mood today and I am drinking coffee and eating grits and sausage for breakfast. It’s important to eat breakfast in the mornings; did you know we’re the most alert in the mornings.
Four P's Policing, Prevention, Penalties, & Parenting.
Also it’s right around the time people are celebrating lent, although I have never celebrated lent myself, so I’m giving it a try and trusting God with the fact I don’t need to carry around so much stuff. I only brought my cellphone and my cigarettes and my Zippo.
I’m working on self reflection today and adjusting myself accordingly. I figured it’s better to start on a fresh page and still without all the baggage of the past. I use Evernote for my main writing task. My main projects are my five year plan and my self reflection documents.