Security Sunday

​I’m glad I got to see my family this weekend; but unfortunately I have been in a weird and  bad mood all day. I’ve been coloring and drawing with the little one all day. Seems we go back and forth from a good to bad mood pretty quickly. When things are going you’re way and people aren’t telling you “No!” or stopping you from doing what you want. It’s like times are easier; I once bought and read a book on boundaries.

Discussions have been scary in my head and we result to not talking very much. We are trading nights sleeping on the couch and the big bed. Last night he slept on the couch and tonight I’m sleeping on the couch. I want a good relationship with my little one but things seem to look bright one minute then turn dark the next. I’m proud of my parents and there is a lot to be said of me. As a mother who was on methadone and did drugs, it hurts me too look back on it, even though I have done a decent job staying sober.

Smoked about two packs of cigarettes since Dad picked me up yesterday. It’s nice that I have their support but I know I will never have it as good as when I was in my early twenties. There’s a lot of things I have changed my mind on and knowing I should have listened to my parents over those friends and boyfriends who didn’t stay with me. We could look at this situation as me regretting what has happened or I can use the free time to learn more about what to do in the future.

Knowing there is safety and security in both my life and my little one’s is amazing. I just try to do the best I can with what I have. My parents have provided us with a lot and we’re very grateful. The saying; you don’t know how blessed you are till you lose it, is very true. I had a lot of freedom as a young adult and made choices that hurt me now.

There’s still plenty of good things, for example, my Dad made steaks 🥩 tonight and I got a chance to use the microwave and make instant mashed potatoes. My parents bought my little one another “Food For Thought Coloring Book” which seems to be his favorite. He is so spoiled and it’s above and beyond anything I could do for him. My little sister comes home tomorrow and she is a teacher at the old church we went to. She has done more for him than I ever have. They are so good to him and I pale in comparison.

I’ve had a hard time wanting to compare things and I can’t financially afford even my own self, let alone a child. I should have graduated but even that doesn’t mean everything will be good and money is promised. I can hope that I move in the right direction as I stay close to god. While not letting things like how my son said “She doesn’t know how to do anything!” get the best of me. I have been called “incompetent” many times and wanting to prove to others and myself otherwise.