Single Sunday

​I respect my parents marriage and they are great role models. I don’t know if it’s too late for me to say that I will ever be in a relationship that is good. I’m still haunted by the relationships in my past. Especially, the sperm donor of an ex that left me when I was three months pregnant. Neither one of us were faithful and we didn’t make good decisions. 

I have seen good times and I have seen bad times; nothing is always perfect. The one thing I am grateful for above anything else is that they unconditionally love my son and I receive from our parents. They raised him ever since the first day I ran away and started living with the group home. That was seven years ago and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be there but I’m learning to make the most of it.

I’m faced with a lot of alone time; I could use the time for good or bad. This coming month of June I want to work on self growth. This weekend has been a learning experience and I know I won’t see them for a while. This weekend my little one has told me to go away and then he searches for me to do things for him. The back and forth is driving me insane and I know that this is the reason I have away five times. 

My parents and I smoke and the habit is scary and expensive. I’ve got a bigger relationship with smoking than I do with anyone or anything in my life. Knowing that one day this habit is going to kill me or someone I love. Almost all of my money goes to smoking.

I’ve been single for a few months now and I’m liking it. I don’t talk about relationships I am in with my parents. I’m working on myself and trying to make the most out of my difficult past.  

I am about too be an aunt and my sister is so fortunate that they have been married for a year before she got pregnant. I could be resentful and upset feeling sorry for myself. It’s not like I am responsible for my kid anyway and I failed as a mother. I’m alone and I’m knowing God but I’m alone. Judgements come all the time, making me question myself a lot.

The second grandchild is due in July; the same month as my middle sister, the one who is pregnant, and my Birthday’s. I’m going to be here for one more day and my parents don’t have me over as often as I would like. When you’re a part of something it’s important to take pride in it; then they say pride comes before the fall.