Tell Me Tuesday

​I am at the center and didn’t receive my medication this morning. The lady in charge of the center, picked us up before our caregiver arrived to give us our medication. I have one more pack of cigarettes from what my dad gave me this weekend. It’s important to tell the truth and do our best to abide by the truth. I helped pass out bowls of oatmeal to the people at the center.

In the past, I have worked in restaurants as a waitress. I have worked at Casa Ole in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Hauffbraugh’s and Cheddars in Arlington, Texas. That was a long time ago and it didn’t last long. I am good at following directions for the most part but I found myself liking retail better. 

I have been reading a lot of articles about writing and starting an art business. My son was so precious as he said his first goal for our Art Shop, is to make $300. Although I have started an online Entrepreneur Facebook Page that I have had up since 2010. I haven’t had to much success with it. 

When I started blogging I also wanted to make money. I had JohnnaFloyd.com open for as long as I could. Financial I was unable to reopen the domain this year. I make about $125, a month. I hated to get my hopes up only to find out I wasn’t making any progress.

I’m fortunate for everything in my life and I know that God is moving to work some great things out for us. Through hard things like not being able to receive medication this morning to seeing how blessed I am to have a good nights sleep and having a second cup of coffee this morning. The truth is that it’s easier said than done; we have to prepare, plan, and set goals in order to make our lives better.

In the book “The Night Portrait”; a reoccurring theme is that life would not be worth living if it wasn’t for Art. I brought my backpack full of Art Supplies and I have only had inspiration to make a few drawings since the beginning of the year. I know I have a lot of free time to work on creative things but filling a blank page is calling for more creativity than I have right now.

We all go through hard things in life and when I think of the things that are impacting me the most, it’s my depression and being idle instead of productive. Suggestions are given but sometimes we would rather someone ask or even demand something of us, instead of carelessly wasting away the day. 

The Truth is I wish I were more successful and more put together. I’m reminded while reading my Bible Studies, that nothing is a waste. I may not be a hundred percent on my abilities right now but through hard work and dedication I have learned that being a better self is a never ending cycle and the more you don’t give up the better it gets.

As someone who has given up on the group home five times and am still here. I have learned that I can’t force anything to happen and to place it in Gods Hands. 

Chores & Organizing

When I was told we we're leaving the center, I was excited to be coming home to learn a little more on my actual laptop. As soon as I walked in the house my caregiver started talking about how I better clean and organize my room. I know that I can't afford to buy a pricey domain right now and that "BlogSpot" will have to work for me. I desire to make an income but first I need to sit down and do research. First, to vacuum my room. The temperature is so hot in here and I first want to work on how I am doing and feeling. 

I feel irritated and happy at the same time. I need to learn how to make some more income through the use of the internet. I'm watching a Stephen Gardner video about what is going on in the Nation right now. I've had two of my Co-Vid19 Vaccines and I'm glad no one I know has it. 

I have an assortment of books... I carried my backpack today to "The Center"; in my backpack I have my new TomBow Markers, SketchBook, Zebra MidLiner Brush Pens, Erasers, Crayola Colored Pencils, An AOA pouch with more colored pencils and sharpeners, My Planner, Art Therapy Coloring book, Marker Paper, Hello Kitty Wellness Planner, and another AOA pouch with my Papermate candy felt pens and markers.

 

Moral Monday

​I am starting to feel better as I took my medicine this morning. I put the roses on the table at home, last night when My Dad dropped me off at the house around 7PM. This morning I didn’t want to wake up and I slept good till 8AM. When I think about “morals”, I think about the discipline and persistence it takes to make things better. 

Although I haven’t always been faithful to taking my medication and being there for the people that matter the most in my life. I have had to start having patience when things don’t go my way. To not make a big deal out of things I don’t like. One thing that is helping me is writing about my day. 

I have been persistently taking my medication and staying with the Day Program for over a year. I am responsible for my own self; and every choice I make has a consequence. When I left I was being selfish and didn’t make good choices. Sitting here, thinking about how to make this a good week.

Monday is the start of a new week and even though I am not going to see my family for a while. I am remembering the weekend. I am gaining a greater understanding of who I am. Through reading and writing I have learned that God loves me each and every step of the way.

Things may not always happen the way you want them too. Though through doing the things you do every day results in seeing better days ahead. Staying with my family for the weekend was a blessing. I’m now with my other family at the group home. 

Happy Mother’s Day

​I’m sitting in the living room with my family. My Mom, Dad, and Son, and our family dog Dixie. My parents got a new sectional with reclining chairs. I’ve drank as much coffee and smoked as many cigarettes as I wanted today.

I’m blessed by the presence of my family this Mother’s Day. Thankful that they have been there through everything with me and still love and support me. My son is eight and we’ve been doing a lot of coloring. 

I am glad I have a great son, although things aren’t perfect. My sister does a lot to take care of the little one and she has since I moved to The Group Home. This morning I received chocolate covered strawberries 🍓 and we three shared them. I also received a vase and a dozen roses 🌹. Although I am not here all the time and I hardly do my job, as a Mother. My Son and Family reminded me that they love me and it’s good that I am trying better.

My Mom opened her present from me and I got her a body spa set, a heart floating plaque, chocolates, and a card. I haven’t opened the card from my son, yet. I know I am his birth mom and I haven’t always been there. My Family takes care of him. I want things to work out and look forward to many more enjoyable family moments.

Fabulous Friday

​The weather outside feels great and I enjoyed my slurpy from 711. I have been keeping a journal on Evernote about what I am doing throughout the day. I’m waiting on the caregiver for tonight, speaking of which it’s her knocking on the door now. As soon as she arrived I made a cup of instant coffee. 

Our help comes in to cook us dinner and give us our medication. We also receive our five cigarettes, although I purchased a pack of cigarettes at 711. I know that smoking is a really bad habit and there’s so many better habits I have been reading about.

When she arrived, she asked where everyone was. Reluctantly I told her I didn’t know. There’s six people that live with me here on Hightower. I am learning that in order to get along it’s better for me to be patient and reading The Bible has really helped me. 

Tomorrow Morning My Dad is picking me up to go spend the weekend for Mother’s Day. We’re going to Skillet N’ Dinner in the morning. 

It’s the end of the week and I noticed I blogged twice on Monday and Wednesday, so to make it even out I’m writing tonight as I shouldn’t spend too much time on my phone while I’m with my family. 

Focus For Friday

​It’s the last day of the week and I am excited to see my family this weekend. Drinking my second cup of coffee and thinking about what I can focus on. In order to grow and mature as a daughter of God. I have been reading my devotionals from the Bible App about prayer and waiting. Rather than being depressed I need to know that any trials I face, God uses my personal abilities and strengths to make me the person that I am.

Instead of focusing on the things that could go wrong, I need to focus on the things that bring me and my group blessings. The Pastor picked us up and we arrived at the center at 9AM. His wife said we are changing buildings next week and a few of us will have the opportunity to work to get the building in order. She said we will get paid for the work we do next week. This is a blessing and although I have liked being at The Lions Center, we are on to the next chapter.

A new chapter, as it is becoming summer. I talked to the guy who lives with us at the group home and he said he is proud of me for having great resilience and being able to turn my life around to doing better. Through the help I receive and being diligent I have turned my life into a life I am starting to love. Though trialing times in the past were mostly my fault. My friends and family have really been there for me.

Focusing on how I can be creative and hopefully I can draw something good today. As I have my sketchbook I got for Christmas and have only used a few pages. Seems Creative Ideas and solving problems is one direction that I want to follow in my life. I am proud of myself for blogging more this week then I have to begin with. 

Thursday’s Thought’s

​We arrived to the center around 8AM; it’s an early morning and it’s Cinco De Mayo. I took three semesters of Spanish in college and this is not a highly celebrated day. It’s cool that it’s already May. I am looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my son and having my mom open her present for Mother’s Day. 

My caseworker picked me up at the center for my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. She asked where she could get a “Sombrero”. My psychiatrist is keeping me on the same medication. I am sitting here after being outside to smoke two cigarettes. Waiting on breakfast; we are having cereal this morning. 

Thought’s about my counseling appointment coming up at the end of the month. Thinking about articles I have read and the book “The Night Portrait”. It’s important that I continue to read and write on a day to day basis. 

Thought’s about the purpose’s and life decisions I have made on Tuesday to become a better self. I need to know who I want to be and take actionable steps. I want to feel safe, happy, fulfilled, abundant, healthy, strong, loved, and that I have something to live for. 

Wishing On Wednesday

​My Dad pointed out yesterday that I have always been hard headed. If I wanted something I would do anything to get it. This has left me to think about what might have happened differently if I wasn’t so hard headed. What do I want to accomplish in this life? I have been doing what I am supposed to and things have been going better.

I wish everything about school would improve. I am hoping that Biden and The Government have some source of Financial Aid that will be useful to me; as they are coming up with a solution. My mom asked me yesterday what I would do differently if I had the choice. I wouldn’t have dropped out of Astronomy and would have made better grades. This was the first class I dropped out of before I dropped out of my Senior Year, two years consecutively. 

Financial aid isn’t due till August 31st, and they have postponed it several times this year. I am on a pay as you earn deferment. The problem is I’m not earning anything and can’t get a job. If I could get a job, I would need uniforms and a way to get there. I also can’t earn more than a thousand a month on the Social Security Program I am on. 

I wish I was doing something more productive with my time. Like working at a real job, like I did when I was 18. I was working for Target and had worked there at Target on Cooper St. for a whole year before quitting and changing jobs to work at a pizza restaurant as a waitress. My Dad asked me not too quit but I quit anyways. 

I wish My Son wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Hopefully as time goes on, this will change. I wonder how I was as a kid. God does everything for a reason. Last night my caregiver told me, that God knows what choices we are going to make before we make them, as well as knowing what we are capable of.

Waking Up Wednesday

​My Alarm on my phone went off at 5:45AM. I didn’t want to wake up and pressed stop on my alarm. I should have gotten up and taken a shower. Though the extra hour in bed was calling to me. Instead of sleeping in, I could use this time to better prepare myself for the day. I need to be intentional with my time and use it for productive things that matter. 

Our caregiver called me and said she was on her way. It is 8AM and I have had my medicine and received my cigarettes. My housemate and I are waiting on our ride to the center. At The Lions Center; I had two cups of coffee and a sausage and biscuit from McDonald’s.

I don’t know what it is about myself in the mornings. I have no desire to wake up so early. I went to bed about 7PM. I know I am getting enough sleep and I am almost sleeping too much. After reading an article about “A Good Morning Routine”; I feel that there are certain things about mornings that could be better. 

Mornings Impact how your going to feel for the rest of the day. Setting up a good morning routine will improve my life. I really want to start waking up at 5:45AM without falling back asleep. After we’re done at the center I have a three hour chunk of time where I could take a nap. 

Thinking Tuesday

​It’s cold outside and I didn’t bring my sweatshirt. The weather has been so nice outside and I didn’t think it would get cold. I woke up around 8AM; and took my medicine. I’m thinking my mom will like the present I picked out yesterday. I’m thinking about all the times my family has been there for me. As well as how I can better use my time to get some things done.

That’s the thing about being productive. Drinking my second cup of coffee and grateful for the help I receive on a daily basis. I am in a point in my life where I don’t really know what I want. I know I want to be successful but I don’t know what aim I have in life. Thinking about what my caseworker said yesterday about getting to go out to do things. 

Thinking about how I’ll be one year older by the end of the Summer and I need to keep doing what I am doing. Right now I am doing what I am supposed to. Staying home and away from drugs and reading and writing a lot. The more I write the more I come into enlightenment about what it is I really want in life. 

The Passion to pursue a meaningful and creative life with My Lord and Savior, My Group, and my family. 

1. Although all things are not up to us; knowing that I made certain decisions that have brought me this far in life.

2. Making things meaningful will call for a greater perspective and sense of knowing who I truly am.

3. Although I am not as far along in life I now have the confidence that as long as I pursue my hobbies I can turn my life around and do some amazing things with God’s help.

The Purpose of showing up for myself and taking care of what I need daily.

1. While reading through my blog I am sure you know about my love for cigarettes and coffee. Although I know smoking isn’t what’s best for me. After smoking several cigarettes last night on our smoke break from 5-6:30PM. My throat started hurting and I had a hard time swallowing.

2. Thinking and Reminding myself that through persistent actions and incorporating good habits I can start a life that is better for me.

3. Remembering not to go back to the way things we’re and leaving the past behind me. Taking it one day at a time and moment by moment to become a better version of myself.

The Purpose of being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around.

1. The main person there for me is My Dad. I have put him through a lot but he has always had unconditional love for me.

2. Although my son and I are not getting along to well. It’s being there for him through it all and learning from my parents to provide him with the same unconditional love they show me.

3. I would love to rebuild the relationships with My Mom and Sisters. I am going to be an Aunt soon!

4. Respecting house caregivers and following the house and center rules. With a Godly attitude and with a caring heart for all the things that go good around my environment.

The call to write passionately and purposefully on a regular basis and not hide away or get defensive about what people think about me.

1. Being open and honest and persistent is the key to success, in my opinion.

2. I tend to stay too myself and I am very open in my writing. I am quite in real life and enjoy my alone time.

3. God calls us to be in a community of believers and to help others. This is my creative outlet to accomplish that and several other goals.

The reasons to seek help and get things right with accepting my mental disorders and self care.

1. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow after the center and I feel that I am doing better than I was a month ago.

2. Through reading other people’s blogs I have learned a lot that’s applicable to life.

3. Not being afraid of speaking up and putting my best foot forward.

Mostly More Monday

​I have a list I found on Pinterest one day about parenting. A few months ago, I took a course on Parenting on Coursera. I really enjoy listening to Coursera about topics I’m interested in and at the moment I am doing a course on Purpose. Everyone parents different and everyone’s parents are different.

When my son was born, my parents suggested that I continue with my Education. I was a member of Single and Parenting at Fielder and a member of MOPS. I’m proud of My Mom as she is pursuing her Masters in Communications. While taking care of my son when he’s not at school. Giving up on my goal of Graduation in 2016; was one of the worst decisions of my life. 

Not only that but I also didn’t want to stay at my parents house. Suddenly after I had gone to jail for a week because I had shoplifted from Mardel’s and Hobby Lobby; I called someone to take me to Arlington Homeless Shelter. After the fact that my dad had bailed me out that Friday. I was embarrassed and felt bad about myself to the point of suicidal ideation. I later found myself losing everything and in MillWood; where my family found Mrs. Charnel and her group home “Cave Care”!

It was Spring Break and my psychosis was hitting hard. That’s when I started noticing my schizophrenic disorder. After all I had been through and about to finish the semester off. I made the worst mistake and continued down a negative path for almost five years. I’m slowly getting my life back in order and today my caseworker took me out to go shopping for My Mom for Mother’s Day.  

Making Monday

​During the week, beginning on Monday. My housemate’s and I go to the center. Two of us, go to The Lions Center. The other ones go to Adult Day Care. I just came back inside the building from smoking three cigarettes. We sit at the tables in here and try to make the most out of the day. I’m looking at my planner and thinking about what I need to do this week.

Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I am looking forward to seeing my family. Mothering is an important job and raising my kid has been a roller coaster of emotions. My parents have been there through all of it and take care of my little one while I am here with the group. I need to buy My Mom a gift and a card. I could make her a card and a gift if TRUE Mental Health can’t take me somewhere.

I was told last week by my caseworker that they cannot take me anywhere anymore unless it has to do with a clinical reason. Which is a bummer, because I look forward to going out every once in a while. Mostly to Dollar Tree to buy things. Especially going to 711 and buying a slurpy and a pack of Lucky Strikes.

It’s the start of the month and I am enjoying this nice weather. Although we stay inside most of the time with exceptions to go smoke or walk to the corner store.  

Start On Sunday

​It’s the start of May; this year has been going by fast but sometimes it is slow and we get bored of doing the same things everyday. I went to church this morning and had communion. Part-taking in the precious Lord’s Supper; as the guy and his wife talked about Jesus’s body and blood.

My housemate and I walked about a mile and a half to get to Bethel Church ⛪️. Back in my room, after eating lunch. Today we learned that it all starts with waiting on God’s promise. How many times have you or I taken things into our own hands only to be sorry and depressed afterwards. 

If I would have slowed down and been patient with myself, others, and God. I believe I would have been more successful. Waiting is so important and praying while we wait is what we’re called to do as Christians. 

Praying for recovery and counseling and getting my priorities straight. Praying for the relationship with my family and especially my son. As it’s the start of a new month I am taking time out of my day to prepare for May. I thank God for every moment and getting me this far in life. I started new Bible Studies on the Bible App on Waiting and Prayer.