Thursday’s Thought’s

​We arrived to the center around 8AM; it’s an early morning and it’s Cinco De Mayo. I took three semesters of Spanish in college and this is not a highly celebrated day. It’s cool that it’s already May. I am looking forward to spending time with my family this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my son and having my mom open her present for Mother’s Day. 

My caseworker picked me up at the center for my psychiatrist appointment yesterday. She asked where she could get a “Sombrero”. My psychiatrist is keeping me on the same medication. I am sitting here after being outside to smoke two cigarettes. Waiting on breakfast; we are having cereal this morning. 

Thought’s about my counseling appointment coming up at the end of the month. Thinking about articles I have read and the book “The Night Portrait”. It’s important that I continue to read and write on a day to day basis. 

Thought’s about the purpose’s and life decisions I have made on Tuesday to become a better self. I need to know who I want to be and take actionable steps. I want to feel safe, happy, fulfilled, abundant, healthy, strong, loved, and that I have something to live for. 

Wishing On Wednesday

​My Dad pointed out yesterday that I have always been hard headed. If I wanted something I would do anything to get it. This has left me to think about what might have happened differently if I wasn’t so hard headed. What do I want to accomplish in this life? I have been doing what I am supposed to and things have been going better.

I wish everything about school would improve. I am hoping that Biden and The Government have some source of Financial Aid that will be useful to me; as they are coming up with a solution. My mom asked me yesterday what I would do differently if I had the choice. I wouldn’t have dropped out of Astronomy and would have made better grades. This was the first class I dropped out of before I dropped out of my Senior Year, two years consecutively. 

Financial aid isn’t due till August 31st, and they have postponed it several times this year. I am on a pay as you earn deferment. The problem is I’m not earning anything and can’t get a job. If I could get a job, I would need uniforms and a way to get there. I also can’t earn more than a thousand a month on the Social Security Program I am on. 

I wish I was doing something more productive with my time. Like working at a real job, like I did when I was 18. I was working for Target and had worked there at Target on Cooper St. for a whole year before quitting and changing jobs to work at a pizza restaurant as a waitress. My Dad asked me not too quit but I quit anyways. 

I wish My Son wanted to talk to me and spend time with me. Hopefully as time goes on, this will change. I wonder how I was as a kid. God does everything for a reason. Last night my caregiver told me, that God knows what choices we are going to make before we make them, as well as knowing what we are capable of.

Waking Up Wednesday

​My Alarm on my phone went off at 5:45AM. I didn’t want to wake up and pressed stop on my alarm. I should have gotten up and taken a shower. Though the extra hour in bed was calling to me. Instead of sleeping in, I could use this time to better prepare myself for the day. I need to be intentional with my time and use it for productive things that matter. 

Our caregiver called me and said she was on her way. It is 8AM and I have had my medicine and received my cigarettes. My housemate and I are waiting on our ride to the center. At The Lions Center; I had two cups of coffee and a sausage and biscuit from McDonald’s.

I don’t know what it is about myself in the mornings. I have no desire to wake up so early. I went to bed about 7PM. I know I am getting enough sleep and I am almost sleeping too much. After reading an article about “A Good Morning Routine”; I feel that there are certain things about mornings that could be better. 

Mornings Impact how your going to feel for the rest of the day. Setting up a good morning routine will improve my life. I really want to start waking up at 5:45AM without falling back asleep. After we’re done at the center I have a three hour chunk of time where I could take a nap. 

Thinking Tuesday

​It’s cold outside and I didn’t bring my sweatshirt. The weather has been so nice outside and I didn’t think it would get cold. I woke up around 8AM; and took my medicine. I’m thinking my mom will like the present I picked out yesterday. I’m thinking about all the times my family has been there for me. As well as how I can better use my time to get some things done.

That’s the thing about being productive. Drinking my second cup of coffee and grateful for the help I receive on a daily basis. I am in a point in my life where I don’t really know what I want. I know I want to be successful but I don’t know what aim I have in life. Thinking about what my caseworker said yesterday about getting to go out to do things. 

Thinking about how I’ll be one year older by the end of the Summer and I need to keep doing what I am doing. Right now I am doing what I am supposed to. Staying home and away from drugs and reading and writing a lot. The more I write the more I come into enlightenment about what it is I really want in life. 

The Passion to pursue a meaningful and creative life with My Lord and Savior, My Group, and my family. 

1. Although all things are not up to us; knowing that I made certain decisions that have brought me this far in life.

2. Making things meaningful will call for a greater perspective and sense of knowing who I truly am.

3. Although I am not as far along in life I now have the confidence that as long as I pursue my hobbies I can turn my life around and do some amazing things with God’s help.

The Purpose of showing up for myself and taking care of what I need daily.

1. While reading through my blog I am sure you know about my love for cigarettes and coffee. Although I know smoking isn’t what’s best for me. After smoking several cigarettes last night on our smoke break from 5-6:30PM. My throat started hurting and I had a hard time swallowing.

2. Thinking and Reminding myself that through persistent actions and incorporating good habits I can start a life that is better for me.

3. Remembering not to go back to the way things we’re and leaving the past behind me. Taking it one day at a time and moment by moment to become a better version of myself.

The Purpose of being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around.

1. The main person there for me is My Dad. I have put him through a lot but he has always had unconditional love for me.

2. Although my son and I are not getting along to well. It’s being there for him through it all and learning from my parents to provide him with the same unconditional love they show me.

3. I would love to rebuild the relationships with My Mom and Sisters. I am going to be an Aunt soon!

4. Respecting house caregivers and following the house and center rules. With a Godly attitude and with a caring heart for all the things that go good around my environment.

The call to write passionately and purposefully on a regular basis and not hide away or get defensive about what people think about me.

1. Being open and honest and persistent is the key to success, in my opinion.

2. I tend to stay too myself and I am very open in my writing. I am quite in real life and enjoy my alone time.

3. God calls us to be in a community of believers and to help others. This is my creative outlet to accomplish that and several other goals.

The reasons to seek help and get things right with accepting my mental disorders and self care.

1. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow after the center and I feel that I am doing better than I was a month ago.

2. Through reading other people’s blogs I have learned a lot that’s applicable to life.

3. Not being afraid of speaking up and putting my best foot forward.

Mostly More Monday

​I have a list I found on Pinterest one day about parenting. A few months ago, I took a course on Parenting on Coursera. I really enjoy listening to Coursera about topics I’m interested in and at the moment I am doing a course on Purpose. Everyone parents different and everyone’s parents are different.

When my son was born, my parents suggested that I continue with my Education. I was a member of Single and Parenting at Fielder and a member of MOPS. I’m proud of My Mom as she is pursuing her Masters in Communications. While taking care of my son when he’s not at school. Giving up on my goal of Graduation in 2016; was one of the worst decisions of my life. 

Not only that but I also didn’t want to stay at my parents house. Suddenly after I had gone to jail for a week because I had shoplifted from Mardel’s and Hobby Lobby; I called someone to take me to Arlington Homeless Shelter. After the fact that my dad had bailed me out that Friday. I was embarrassed and felt bad about myself to the point of suicidal ideation. I later found myself losing everything and in MillWood; where my family found Mrs. Charnel and her group home “Cave Care”!

It was Spring Break and my psychosis was hitting hard. That’s when I started noticing my schizophrenic disorder. After all I had been through and about to finish the semester off. I made the worst mistake and continued down a negative path for almost five years. I’m slowly getting my life back in order and today my caseworker took me out to go shopping for My Mom for Mother’s Day.  

Making Monday

​During the week, beginning on Monday. My housemate’s and I go to the center. Two of us, go to The Lions Center. The other ones go to Adult Day Care. I just came back inside the building from smoking three cigarettes. We sit at the tables in here and try to make the most out of the day. I’m looking at my planner and thinking about what I need to do this week.

Mother’s Day is on Sunday and I am looking forward to seeing my family. Mothering is an important job and raising my kid has been a roller coaster of emotions. My parents have been there through all of it and take care of my little one while I am here with the group. I need to buy My Mom a gift and a card. I could make her a card and a gift if TRUE Mental Health can’t take me somewhere.

I was told last week by my caseworker that they cannot take me anywhere anymore unless it has to do with a clinical reason. Which is a bummer, because I look forward to going out every once in a while. Mostly to Dollar Tree to buy things. Especially going to 711 and buying a slurpy and a pack of Lucky Strikes.

It’s the start of the month and I am enjoying this nice weather. Although we stay inside most of the time with exceptions to go smoke or walk to the corner store.  

Start On Sunday

​It’s the start of May; this year has been going by fast but sometimes it is slow and we get bored of doing the same things everyday. I went to church this morning and had communion. Part-taking in the precious Lord’s Supper; as the guy and his wife talked about Jesus’s body and blood.

My housemate and I walked about a mile and a half to get to Bethel Church ⛪️. Back in my room, after eating lunch. Today we learned that it all starts with waiting on God’s promise. How many times have you or I taken things into our own hands only to be sorry and depressed afterwards. 

If I would have slowed down and been patient with myself, others, and God. I believe I would have been more successful. Waiting is so important and praying while we wait is what we’re called to do as Christians. 

Praying for recovery and counseling and getting my priorities straight. Praying for the relationship with my family and especially my son. As it’s the start of a new month I am taking time out of my day to prepare for May. I thank God for every moment and getting me this far in life. I started new Bible Studies on the Bible App on Waiting and Prayer.

April Is Over

Today is the last day of April; and it's going to be May. May 8th is Mother's Day and I am thinking of all the times I have spent time with my family. This year has been going really good and I'm dedicated to staying at Home. I wrote in my Goals Journal; my core values for the month of April and May. I am sitting on the floor with my laptop and my books. While listening to a playlist I made on YouTube. I can't use my desk because the TV is on it. It's dark in my room and I have been focusing on what I can do to make life easier for next month. My rent is paid and my bed is made. 

My Core Values: Core Values influence our behavior, personality, thoughts, attitude, and decision making according to https://thirdbliss.com/the-importance-of-values. She writes about the value behind core values.

For April I wrote Family, Patience, and Resilience. 

For May I wrote Timeliness, Creativity, and Learning.

Work Is Over

​Actually work, literally never ends. Although I bring my backpack to the center every day. I have become stale in my artwork of drawing, painting, and photography. I’m enjoying writing as inspiration comes to me. For most of the week my backpack has sat on the ground and I haven’t been using it I'm much more on my iPhone to pass the time. I did make a bracelet today! When in a creative rut and needing to pass the time, I have been less than productive. Seems most of the time I am smoking and feeling a deep dark depression. I have read several articles on Pinterest about Creativity. I'm hoping that Biden has some way to help us with Financial Aid for Student Loans. I am a Public Relations and Advertising major; lacking five to seven classes before I can officially graduate. 

We had an awesome dinner of ribs, rice, and beans. Cooked by our lovely caregiver tonight. I don’t know how to cook and really missed out on that in my life. Took my medicine and have enjoyed sitting outside to smoke for a while before and after dinner. I'm listening to relaxing music at the moment and working on my blog. Thinking of what I can really sit or lay here writing about. Next weekend is Mother's day and I remember my little boy telling me he didn't want me to come over. Though my parents we're nice and said that I am. It must be the age that he's at; hopefully this won't last forever with him having hurt feelings towards me. I try to be sweet and nice most of the time. When I can't be I resort to closing myself off so I don't hurt anyone.

I received my “Cinder” book back from a house member. The book is a good one and it’s about a twist on Cinderella but she is a cyborg. Meanwhile; there's this horrible plague that is all over the country of China. The next book I am reading is “The Night Portrait” by Laura Morelli. Although I have started this book and am only a tenth of the way through.  

There’s not too much they ask of us to do around the group home. To wake up around 8AM and make the bed. Rent was due today and my father paid my rent. I am appreciative that my rent was paid and look forward to another month here. Although there is no light on in my room and I need my lamp in order to read anything other than my laptop or my phone. It's time for another smoke!

My Planning

​We all have a good and bad side to us, as human beings. We were made in Gods image though only He is perfect. I am a Christian and daily depend on God to make it through the day. This weekend I plan on writing a lot and sharing stories about motherhood and how I went from a successful college Senior in 2015, to being a dropout and life at the group home. 

Tarrant County Jail Sentence For Shoplifting in 

2020 : 3 Months, Next Time is Six Months

In 2020; I faced a three month jail sentence for shoplifting at Target. At the time I was “Camping” 🏕 on Landcaster with a guy that I had only known for a short time. I have gotten into a lot of trouble on Landcaster and make myself a promise never to go back to the way things were out there but one thing that I can do is share my stories.

His name was Samuel and when I went with him, we drained my bank account. I was banking with Frost Bank and had been since I moved to Texas with my parents after Hurricane Katrina. We spent the money on drugs and stuff to go camping. It was in August and I asked my father to send my money on my card. This reminds me of a show, my parents watched at their house called “Remembering Anna”. Though luckily I am not facing a 12 year jail sentence for running a credit card at expensive resort hotels in Morocco 🇲🇦.

I spent August to December, when I had to go to MillWood to seek mental attention. Then when I got out of MillWood I was lost and found myself at the attention of the police for shoplifting. I remember talking to Breacher my lawyer about me staying in jail after my sentence and not wanting to leave the prison. I got caught in January around My Dad’s birthday. Stayed until March when I called My Father to pick me up from the hospital and Co-Vid had broken throughout the country causing the epidemic. Lucky for us this seems to have gone past us without any of us getting sick. 

Though my main caregiver has had several people die in her family. I say this with the sincerity of my heart and dedication to do better and stay where I am. I still hear a part of me that wants to get in trouble with running away from here. It hasn’t startled me like it once did but with my schizophrenic disorder it is still loud and apparent. In a previous post I shared about how I got frostbite last year in 2021. The infection is gone but the problem will always remain on my left hand for a lifetime.

Respect On Friday

​The words hurt and throwing and hitting and all the things that go along with it. I walked to the corner store to think and get away for a few minutes. I bought a Bang Can and a pack of Lucky Strikes menthol. 

I ask if there is anything I can do to make the situation better. Relationships haven’t been easy for me. I was left pregnant by my ex and my parents have been taking care of the child. I have been in and out of his life ever since. I don’t remember how I acted as a kid but I remember my father being deployed a lot. My mother and I not really getting along. My ten and eight year younger sisters fighting and I’m about to be an aunt.

My caregiver and my help at the center have been asking about my kid. I have a rough relationship with him. I don’t want to mention to much of hurtful information. Focusing on the good and bad on this situation and I know we all try our best to get along.

In 2013; I gave birth to my son and we’ve all struggled since then. I think about how close my parents are to me and sometimes it makes me sad. I try to call my Dad on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s to check up on my family. I am glad today we found a counseling center for me. 

It started when I didn’t buckle his seat belt in the cart at Target. Where he fell out and his head was messed up with a big knot. I freaked out and drove to my parents house instead of taking him to the hospital. I think at the time I was so selfish that I had also purchased Starbucks coffee while I got him some ice for his head. I’ve recently been reminded by him and my mom that I am selfish. 

That was the year I left my parents house and became homeless after getting into trouble with the law, school, and mental institutions. I tell you this not to alarm my readers but to tell you my story about the situation with my little one. 

It Gets Better

​We talked about counseling today and I need a referral from my Doctor. On Monday my caseworker took me to the duck pond in Downtown Fort Worth. I have liked fishing with my Dad and we went this past weekend. I have been going to bed at 6PM for the last several nights. I also have been really quite and to myself. 

I got my injection yesterday and I normally feel better after I get the injection. I have started a new medication that seems to be helping. I’ve stayed in The Group Home for over a year. It’s a blessing I’m not on the streets. Everyday of the week, we go to the center and I take my backpack. This week I also bought a pack of cigarettes and a slurpy. 

I’m thinking about what I would have done differently if I had the chance to start over about twenty years ago. I was finished with High School, twenty years ago. My family is done with college and both my sister’s graduated. Though I have not and have acquired a lot of debt in the process of trying to get my degree. 

I wouldn’t have been attached to people that were not helping me in my life. I would hopefully not have gotten into drugs and shoplifting. I can’t go back in time but knowing that I can and will do better in the future gives me hope. Here’s to persistently taking it moment by moment and doing the best I can. God is here on my journey to my future and things are what they are. Moving forward to getting my life right by reading helpful articles about all sorts of self help.

Remembering Easter

​I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks and days. Yesterday, when I told my caseworker that I wanted to write but didn’t have the words to say, she was very encouraging and had faith in me. I started taking Prozac last night as my Psychiatrist prescribed. A mood stabilizer and hopefully it helps with the mood I’ve been in. 

Things don’t always go the way you and I plan. Sometimes, you have to struggle to do the best you can. I went over to my parents house for Easter. My little one was sick. Easter is the time we remember Jesus’s resurrection and thank Him for dying on the cross to save us from our sins. 

It’s important to believe in yourself, and to take care of yourself. I will be turning 35 years old this year and I am doing better than I have in the past. People may not act the way you want them to. You can’t always control what is happening. My Dad’s truck had problems, so we couldn’t go fishing. We missed church on Easter and stayed home watching movies. 

We had an Easter lunch that was good and my little one and I colored placemats from his new coloring book. I don’t want to go into to much detail about how my family and I have been interacting. All I can ask is that things get better.