End of May

​Today is the last day of the month of May. Blankly stating the obvious and waiting for my second cup of coffee. I smoked two cigarettes and am thinking about what I am going to write about and what I am going to research today. 

Asking myself questions such as; What are my habits, where are my thoughts, how is my attitude, what are my feelings, and how this all aligns with my actions. Things I have been writing about all month and I am looking forward to growing my blog and finding more about the things that help.

This month I have written more than I ever have on this blog in the past. At the end of the month it’s good to think about; what big accomplishments you achieved, if you accomplished what you hoped, and if you really did what matters. I think I am a long way off from getting to answer those questions about myself and this next month I need to keep reading and writing more. I told my parents that this month I am working on self growth and they both agreed I am doing better.

It’s a long road of self-development and I am ready to put in the work of becoming my best self. Doing the work to find stability by getting myself right with God and those most important in my life. I had a great time with family but it’s back to staying here at the center and at the group home. Growing more in a safe space and being rooted in what I need and want.

My payee, my dad, pays my rent at the start of every month and I am feeling more comfortable with staying here. Having a sense of structure to help me stay strong as our foundation keeps us grounded and plants you where you are as you make small daily steps to take care of yourself and prioritize. 

Memorial Day

​I’m sitting at our family kitchen table and drinking my third cup of coffee. I’m so blessed that my little one has been in a good mood for most of the weekend. I’m here for a few more hours and my son and I have been using his new scented colored pencils and crayons. He woke me up at 6:30AM and was excited about receiving his packages that my parents had ordered him yesterday.

I’m wanting to stay here as long as I can; he has been so sweet. There’s a long history of soldiers in my family history and today is the day to be grateful for them. My father said, “you don’t thank the soldiers who have made it safely back home by thanking them for their service” but “today is the day to remember the soldiers who have died”. I’ll hold onto special memories for today and be thankful for any situation I am in.

I want to do my best and be invited over more often. Though tomorrow starts another week at the center and not being as spoiled as I am here. I’m going to miss my family but I will stay at The Group Home and be patient till I can see them again. Memories are important but the ones that haunt you can really tear a person down. In both situations; there’s things to be grateful for. I don’t have many things going on wrong that make me want to run away again and things have definitely improved.

Single Sunday

​I respect my parents marriage and they are great role models. I don’t know if it’s too late for me to say that I will ever be in a relationship that is good. I’m still haunted by the relationships in my past. Especially, the sperm donor of an ex that left me when I was three months pregnant. Neither one of us were faithful and we didn’t make good decisions. 

I have seen good times and I have seen bad times; nothing is always perfect. The one thing I am grateful for above anything else is that they unconditionally love my son and I receive from our parents. They raised him ever since the first day I ran away and started living with the group home. That was seven years ago and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be there but I’m learning to make the most of it.

I’m faced with a lot of alone time; I could use the time for good or bad. This coming month of June I want to work on self growth. This weekend has been a learning experience and I know I won’t see them for a while. This weekend my little one has told me to go away and then he searches for me to do things for him. The back and forth is driving me insane and I know that this is the reason I have away five times. 

My parents and I smoke and the habit is scary and expensive. I’ve got a bigger relationship with smoking than I do with anyone or anything in my life. Knowing that one day this habit is going to kill me or someone I love. Almost all of my money goes to smoking.

I’ve been single for a few months now and I’m liking it. I don’t talk about relationships I am in with my parents. I’m working on myself and trying to make the most out of my difficult past.  

I am about too be an aunt and my sister is so fortunate that they have been married for a year before she got pregnant. I could be resentful and upset feeling sorry for myself. It’s not like I am responsible for my kid anyway and I failed as a mother. I’m alone and I’m knowing God but I’m alone. Judgements come all the time, making me question myself a lot.

The second grandchild is due in July; the same month as my middle sister, the one who is pregnant, and my Birthday’s. I’m going to be here for one more day and my parents don’t have me over as often as I would like. When you’re a part of something it’s important to take pride in it; then they say pride comes before the fall.

Security Sunday

​I’m glad I got to see my family this weekend; but unfortunately I have been in a weird and  bad mood all day. I’ve been coloring and drawing with the little one all day. Seems we go back and forth from a good to bad mood pretty quickly. When things are going you’re way and people aren’t telling you “No!” or stopping you from doing what you want. It’s like times are easier; I once bought and read a book on boundaries.

Discussions have been scary in my head and we result to not talking very much. We are trading nights sleeping on the couch and the big bed. Last night he slept on the couch and tonight I’m sleeping on the couch. I want a good relationship with my little one but things seem to look bright one minute then turn dark the next. I’m proud of my parents and there is a lot to be said of me. As a mother who was on methadone and did drugs, it hurts me too look back on it, even though I have done a decent job staying sober.

Smoked about two packs of cigarettes since Dad picked me up yesterday. It’s nice that I have their support but I know I will never have it as good as when I was in my early twenties. There’s a lot of things I have changed my mind on and knowing I should have listened to my parents over those friends and boyfriends who didn’t stay with me. We could look at this situation as me regretting what has happened or I can use the free time to learn more about what to do in the future.

Knowing there is safety and security in both my life and my little one’s is amazing. I just try to do the best I can with what I have. My parents have provided us with a lot and we’re very grateful. The saying; you don’t know how blessed you are till you lose it, is very true. I had a lot of freedom as a young adult and made choices that hurt me now.

There’s still plenty of good things, for example, my Dad made steaks 🥩 tonight and I got a chance to use the microwave and make instant mashed potatoes. My parents bought my little one another “Food For Thought Coloring Book” which seems to be his favorite. He is so spoiled and it’s above and beyond anything I could do for him. My little sister comes home tomorrow and she is a teacher at the old church we went to. She has done more for him than I ever have. They are so good to him and I pale in comparison.

I’ve had a hard time wanting to compare things and I can’t financially afford even my own self, let alone a child. I should have graduated but even that doesn’t mean everything will be good and money is promised. I can hope that I move in the right direction as I stay close to god. While not letting things like how my son said “She doesn’t know how to do anything!” get the best of me. I have been called “incompetent” many times and wanting to prove to others and myself otherwise.

Swimming On Saturday

​We went to Skillet N Grill; just my dad and I; and I had chicken and waffles. This morning I have had six cups of coffee; and one cup of instant coffee. Woke up at 6am and I am sitting on my parents new sectional. My son is asleep and I have only been here about an hour. He’s so sweet right now and I gave him the patriotic beanie babies I have had saved in my room for about a year.

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3VP06BZPQ7KM4?ref_=wl_share

I have been reading an article for every cigarette I smoke. When coming over to my family’s house I normally don’t know what to expect. He could be in a good mood or a bad mood. Dad, said he woke up in a good mood and said; “I want to see Johnna!”. It’s always a good feeling every time he wants to spend time with me. Although; he is asleep right now and I am just sitting here writing and reading.

After He woke up around 1:30PM; he said he wanted to go swimming and I needed a bathing suit. We went with Dad to get this pink bathing suit. I also got some pink slides. I know I have gained weight; I have one from last year but it was too small. We swam for about three hours. Then we came inside and dad made popcorn and I’ve had a few sodas.

Watching “Frozen 2” and he’s back asleep. I’m so grateful for my family and it’s nice to be able to spend time with them.

Finally Friday

​It’s 8:30AM; and I am drinking the last of the soda, I bought a few days ago. The lady in charge of the center called and said she wasn’t able to pick us up today. I’m going to my first LPC Counseling appointment today around noon. I have been wanting to go to counseling for a while now. There’s always a bit of nervousness when starting something new. Then when I got there they said I wasn’t scheduled for an appointment.

A counselor will help me better to get to the root of my problems and find ways to improve. I want to address my problems and situation in a calm, collective, and meaningful way. I want to find solutions to my mental disorders and depression. Although I don’t really know what to expect since I haven’t met with a counselor in a long time.

I’m sitting here waiting for our caregiver to arrive back from buying milk for our cereal. Observing the dead roses 🥀 that my dad bought me for Mother’s Day. One of the caregivers suggested that I press them when they died in the pages of My Bible. I am able to see my family this weekend and am going over there for three days for Memorial Day.

When I arrived to PSY; they said I wasn’t scheduled to come in. They rescheduled the appointment for June 10th. Giving me more time to fill out the paperwork. It’s now 1PM and I am waiting for lunch. 

Truth On Thursday’s

​The best written and spoken word comes from true emotions and finding truth within yourself and myself. As I think about how this month has been I am proud of myself for writing more. I still don’t know how to make money from blogging and I have been blogging since I was 12. The best blog post out there are from the heart and leave strong encouragement after reading them. I’m sitting at the table finishing my second cup of coffee and I wrote the post then tried to post it and it got erased.

As I think about what I wrote on today’s planning space in my planner I am thinking about what is really true of my emotions and situation. 

What has distracted me from true knowing and learning? I have made a goal of reading one article for every cigarette I smoke. I haven’t worked on self help and serious growth as hard as I am right now. I want to finish my degree in Advertising and Public Relations but I have no financial support to do so. True knowing comes from so many sources and one important thing to me right now is too learn as much as I can. In the past, I could tell you I was just plain out lazy and selfish.

What has kept me from knowing my worth? I have put a lot of how I feel about my worth in the wrong things. I’m working on not living to please others and depending on God more then I have ever trusted him in my life. I placed a lot of worth in being with my family and I have let them and myself down time and time again. I have put my worth in how I get along with others and especially with how I interact with those who live with me.

What has kept me from knowing where I belong?

When I was younger I would do anything to fit in; wasting time and money. I didn’t fit into a particular group but I made so many poor choices following the crowd. The more I read the more I am wanting to be my individual self and learn about my goals, dreams, and ambitions.

We have a choice when it comes to all three of these questions; we can either move on from it or we can take it in as our own. In other words we can accept it or we can grow from it. Either way we should hold onto the pain and know it has power over us. While honoring who we are and the decisions that got us to where we are today. Knowing our worth protects our hearts, spirits, and minds.

Where I Am Wednesday

​I’m waiting for the lady in charge of the Day Center, too pick us up from the house. I woke up at 6am and I took my medication, smoked, and had two cups of instant coffee. I want to describe to my readers today of the eight areas of life and where I fall under each category. 

Life is better if you and I stay consistent and the most important thing is improving daily. I’d like to describe where I am in each category and then put goals that I am reaching towards. It’s good to get an assessment of where you are in life in order to know which direction you’re headed in. Received my second cup of coffee and we had donuts for breakfast.

Spiritual I grew up in the church and have Christian parents. As I grew up closer to God; I soon found that I had a lot of insecurities and faced Spiritual Warfare. There were times growing up that I completely ran away from God; also my home and the people that cared about me. I’m now closer to God than I have been in the past.

Physical I received a FitBit from my dad last year and it tells me how many steps to take each hour. I don’t have a physical plan and I’m not working out. I walk every once in a while and we’re encouraged to work out here at the center.

Financial I am receiving money for most of my needs from Social Security. I have my meals planned out for me, am provided my medication, and 10 cigarettes a day. Each month my family pays my rent through receiving my disability. I make about $125 on top of rent and my dad adds money to my Venmo almost every Monday.

Professional I studied Advertising and Public Relations at The University of Texas at Arlington. I am five classes away from attaining my Bachelors in Advertising. I have not been working and haven’t worked since 2013. I would like to find a career in the future; though right now I am just focusing on what I can. 

Recreational I like to read articles on Pinterest and am focusing on self help. I attend a day program and am encouraged to keep myself busy. 

Relational I have six other individuals I share a house with in Fort Worth, Texas. My Father is the closest one too me. I have a roommate and we have caregivers that come in to cook for us and give us our medication and cigarettes. I have been going out with my caseworkers during the week and today I am getting my injection. 

Mental I have schizophrenia and severe depression as well as Bipolar disorder. Mental health has always been a struggle for me, since I was 12 years old. I take it one day at a time and am developing better ways to cope with my mental illness. I like to read and journal to release my difficulties of my mental illness.

Planning I use a daily planner to keep track of my personal development and the things that are important. As I look at my schedule I am reminded that I have a lot of time to myself. I hardly ever write a to do list, since life is pretty simple here in my situation.

Timeliness On Tuesday

​It’s been a year since I started this blogs journey. I’m sitting at the table and drinking coffee. The weather is supposed to get bad outside. Instead of taking our medication when the caregiver arrives, the person that comes in at night, they have been putting it in ziplock bags so we can take them as soon as we wake up.

We are all provided 24HRS in the day; I have learned how important it is to stay in the present moment and not think too far in the past or the future. I think it’s time too learn as much as I can and really depend more on God. I need to know as much about myself as possible. As May is ending and the new month of June is arriving. I have made a goal for personal growth before my 35TH Birthday.

I have my journals and am currently using three journals; a prayer journal, a personal journal, and the one I bring to the center for what research I am doing. I haven’t drawn in about two weeks, or since my son asked me too. There’s things I want to explore on the topic of starting an Art Shop Business that I need to read and understand more. I have been reading almost ten articles a day on all sorts of topics.

I have my sketchbooks; the large one my parents got me for Christmas. As well as the one I bought for my last Birthday with the money from my grandma. The tools are there and I have hardly been using them. Emptied the tools to create from my backpack on the table and looking at them. I’m almost through reading “The Night Portrait” and I’m on chapter 61 of 91. 

Reading about Art has deepened my passion for creativity and I hope that I will become more passionate about what I create. I also have my two adult coloring books and my colored pencils. Things don’t have to be perfect for you to start and a lot of articles on productivity and time management tell you just to get started and do the best you can.

My Blog is A Year Old

​Today is a special day and I have been writing on this blog for a year. I’m glad I haven’t given up and I show that through the year the ways I have been changing. Although at first I wasn’t writing that much. I have become more passionate about sharing what I want. 

I woke up at 6AM and smoked a few cigarettes and had a cup of instant coffee. Then took a shower and got dressed. My caseworker took me to go get 3 packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes yesterday. She told me she hadn’t had a journal for a year as she asked me if I had been blogging. This month I have written everyday and I hope this continues.

It’s 7AM and I don’t have anything to do until we go to the center. I want to express how much having a blog has helped me. Especially this one throughout the year.

The Ways In Which This Blog Has Helped Me.

1. I may be using blogger, which is free, and making no money doing this but at least I have a passion for writing and can share with others.

2. I have something creative and mentally empowering to work on during my free time.

3. I can keep up with personal growth and share what I have been learning through reading articles from others.

4. I have a healthy way to vent and get the things I want to say out there in the world.

5. I have received a lot of great complements from those close to me.

6. I can keep up with my thoughts and my progress and keep improving.

7. I look forward to writing more and keeping this blog open for a long time.

8. I can keep up with things that are changing and really see what direction I am headed in.

9. I feel that God wants me to write and share the things he’s showing me in my life to help others.

Mental Monday

​Woke up at 5:45AM; It’s now almost 9AM and I am at The Lions Center. I wrote earlier, and then it got erased and I had to start all over again. I wrote about being mindful and what a morning routine consisted of. I didn’t know if I wanted to write about mental help or mindfulness. Their both important topics to cover in my writing. Today I will cover both of them.

I have been doing better on my medication and I am growing in my relationship with The Lord. I didn’t sleep good last night and stayed up till 11PM. I’m sitting at the table with my housemate, drinking a cup of coffee. When I woke up this morning I had two cups of instant coffee. I need to be OK, with where I am in life and take the time to work towards positive goals. We learn that the past doesn’t define us, if we don’t give it the power too.

Mindfulness Not living in the past or the future, but being in the present moment. Focusing on what is going on at the current moment. Being observant of life as it is happening; only God knows what the future holds. Though we need to be more aware of what we need to be doing to get to where we want to be.

1. I am forgiving those who hurt me in the past. Letting go of the past and praying over the future, helps everyone. Stay in the current moment and let yourself rest from worrying about how situations have gone wrong.

2. I am seeing that the more I read and write the better Perspective I gain from what I need to be learning to allow feelings to exist with beating myself up about them.

3. I’ve read several quotes about accepting my current situation in life and not having judgement over what is going right or wrong. Acceptance has become easier for me and I am learning that God works everything for my good. 

4. Thoughts come and go and they only provide harm when you act on them. You don’t have to believe all your thoughts and there’s ways to fight negative thoughts to bring about peace and happiness.

5. Making quick decisions is not a good thing. I have learned to really think and express myself about things I really want instead of hiding. I took the 16personalities.com test and seems that I went from an INTJ to an ENTJ; meaning I have become more extroverted and determined to do the right things.

Mental I have tried my best to be open and honest about how I have to take medication for my disorders of depression and schizophrenia. I was diagnosed after having a spinal tap at the age of 13; as being bipolar.

1. Things get better ❤️‍🩹 the more I am in communication with my psychiatrist, and we have tried a lot of different medication since I was a teenager.

2. I go to counseling on Friday; and am feeling all sorts of different emotions about it. I know it will help and I will be able to sort through these feelings and emotions with help.

3. Having structure in my day really helps. At first I was oppositional to it and not really liking it. It has grown on me and I am seeing the benefits of a routine.

4. Having good conversations with my caregivers and caseworkers has helped me find solutions that better my life and I want to reach out for help.

5. Mental Health is different for everyone and the best way to take care of it, is seek out things, people, places that will help. Don’t be hard on yourself and try to cover it up.

Spiritual Sight Sunday

​There’s some people that you can sit and talk with for a long time and they fill your empty spots and I am learning that I don’t need to be codependent. People that you depend on and help us become better people. Though I have been learning that you make it through your own persistent behavior as an adult. The more I read the more I feel prepared to make wiser decisions and it’s helped me calm down more. 

There’s other people that bore you too death, who most of the time have a bad attitude and provide no insight. At one time or another I have fit into both categories of individuals. Life is constantly changing and today I was informed that my caregiver 🍪 is going to a different house and a lady that I don’t really get along with is taking her place. 

My caregivers and caseworkers, have mentioned how much potential I have but I have to go through hard life lessons to reach this uncharted potential. With this transitional time I am hoping that I can continue to do good. I don’t want to let my family down again. With the change of caregivers, I have a choice and hard decision to make.

I’m reminded to keep doing what is right for myself and too never give up. I’ve been doing really good and it’s been a year. I mark my anniversary for having this blog opened on Tuesday. I’ve seen good times and bad times here at Cave Care! My parents want me here and tell me there’s no way I can live with them again. 

The Drivers License; I have been here 7 years, marked this year. While being here at the group home, I haven’t given up on my passion for writing. I’m reminded by the lady in charge of these Group Homes, that they want to see us doing good. Though there’s rules here and one rule was I had to hand over my Drivers License and Food Stamp Card. Also I can’t find my Social Security Card. 

I was 15, when my parents allowed me to be on my own. Of course there’s been many times that I have transitioned in and out of their care. Don’t get me wrong, some people blame their childhood for everything. I don’t blame my parents, I blame not knowing and making the best decisions. I’ve had almost too many chances, and I am on my last try at this group home thing. Fearing that if I walk away from here again, I might be cut off from the family support all together. 

While I am still young, I want to turn my life around. I am about to turn 35 and although I don’t have the amount of readers I would be able to say is successful for my blogging and I am making no money. I was hoping when I started blogging, I would end up with a good outcome and be able to make a lot of money through it. I have had seven domains; myapatheticlife.com, trytocare.com, lifeasacollegemom.com, collegemom.com, missing-alias.com, justly-found.faith, and JohnnaFloyd.com.

Although through using blogger I have been able to keep up with my work better without loosing what I have written. I have used a lot of money to support my writing lifestyle and have over $18,000 in college loans. During these transitional and trying times. I still hang on to one thing; Don’t Worry!

Seeking Out Sunday

​I’m on my way to walk home from church, with my elderly housemate, who talks endlessly and I find hard to communicate with, without feeling frustrated. We talked to a graduating high school senior, who is excited to be going to college to do something in Ministry. She is going to a Christian school by the name of “Kings College” and was holding a bouquet of white lilies.

I remember going to Texas Wesleyan in fall of 2016, after leaving my parents house and joining my family at Cave Care. I went to school there for Production’s & Humanities and I have been meaning to use this for God’s calling, since I’m probably going to have to find a job and pay almost $4,000 in financial aid. It is still up in the air what is going on with Biden and FAFSA. 

That’s what our sermon was on this morning, Ministry and how “Every Member Is A Minister”. My caregiver didn’t arrive to give me my medication this morning and she was there when I arrived home. I received my medication and five cigarettes, when I got home. At church ⛪️ I drank two cups of coffee and since I was at church I missed breakfast. Feeling much better after my caregiver helped me and talked with me. 

Acts 2:16-21. Which states “In the Last Days,” God says, “I will pour out my spirit on every kind of people; also your daughters; Your young men will see visions, and your old men dream dreams, When the time comes, I’ll pour out my Spirit on those who serve me, men and women both, and they’ll prophesy. I’ll set wonders in the sky above and signs on the earth below, Blood 🩸 and fire 🔥 and billowing smoke 💨 , the sun ☀️ turning black and the moon 🌚 blood-red, Before the Day of the Lord arrives, the Day tremendous and marvelous; and whoever calls out for help to me, God, will be saved.” 

My Dad texted me last night while I was asleep, at 8:45PM. Offering to take me out to eat at Skillet N’ Dinner. I texted him back a few minutes after I woke up. Waited on his call and decided to go to church instead. I prioritized going to church instead of spending time with my father; I need to take the time to celebrate the small wins that I make everyday. “Where there is a will, there’s a way!” ♥️ Wise Words With 🍪!!!