More Like Monday

​Good Morning! I’m sitting outside with four of my housemate’s and we took our medication. Had a cup of instant coffee and I am smoking my fourth to fifth cigarette. That’s the thing about living life together we need to be supportive and encouraging. I have about an hour before the lady from the day care program calls and my roommate and the guy who gave our medication this morning have left for The Adult Day Care Center. I’m the only person out here right now.

My Dad gave me $25 after he got off the phone with me last night. I have two new packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes; and the five Cigarettes I received this morning. I’m in my room now and reading what I wanted to write about today; making over the mindset and being patient as you and I get used to changes. Having a positive mindset is one of the most important things you can develop in yourself. 

I’m still dedicating this month as time for “Personal Growth”; I have been consciously rearranging and taking hold of thought patterns. When my dad called me back last night; He told me they went to see the new “Top Gun Maverick” Movie and said it was very good. Hopefully I can get a chance to see it … Eventually. When I was a kid I used to talk nonstop but now in my mid thirties I find it difficult to carry on a decent conversation with anyone or anything other than my blog. We both dislike being on FaceTime in silence because we don’t know what to say. 

Waking Up Early; does leave plenty of time to get ready in the mornings before we have to leave to go to the centers. Having a “Growth Mindset” is better then having a “Fixed Mindset”. The caregiver arrived at 8:15AM and I helped wash dishes. I’m reminded that I shouldn’t have to wait until someone ask me to do something; that I should already go ahead and do whatever needs to be done. 

Self Care Sunday

​Took a shower and I found that I need some more shampoo and body wash; all the residents who live here in the home with me, have been using each other’s stuff and because we don’t talk no one knows. I’m clean and changed clothes after I took a shower. The owner of The Group Home encourages us to keep the lights off in the room; but I like the lights on. 

I want to focus on myself and what care I need; instead of being too social today. The housemate who screams and shouts profanity out loud is back at it again and takes most of the attention. The caregivers have been telling him/her too shut up and they eventually have to do something. I’ve learned it’s best to keep to myself and this blog really helps me get my thoughts and emotions out without having contact to harmful people.

I don’t blow dry my hair and I miss how; my parents used to take time to blow dry my hair like Farrah Faucet. When I gave birth to my son, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and I was slowly getting off methadone. The doctor I was going to was in shock that I was having a boy, since I am on so many antipsychotics and my medication is nothing too mess with and my new psychiatrist increased my Prozac.

I’m in my room alone and my roommate went to church with her best friend; so I turned off trashy tv and am playing the Christian Playlist I have been building on SoundCloud. Mainly, because I don’t have a blow dryer and too cheap to buy one. I don’t do too much for self care; I mean sure instead of automatically getting dressed I could use the lotions and body sprays my family provided me with one of the later times at a mental hospital. I once had a roommate that was so stuck up that she said I shouldn’t wear the same clothes all the time and should change clothes more often.

It’s 4:30; and I just took my medicine and I smoked. I read two articles and called my dad, but he didn’t answer. I’m needing to nine more articles and eat the dinner our caregiver fixed for us. My hair dries pretty quickly but I feel sick too my stomach and she fixed; hamburger steak, pasta salad, and beans. I’m told by my doctor to not eat too much white bread, pasta, and rice. 

Self Vs. Others Sunday

​We shouldn’t take anything for granted and I am sure I am not the only one who has struggled with the fact that I have been selfish in life. I’m trying harder to gain confidence and balance as The Youthful Christian Woman that God and My Family have prepared for me to be. I’m eating a sandwich for lunch at 2PM; and still thinking about the sermon this morning. It feels great to go to church and I am thankful for my sandwich and cigarettes.

I’m needing to read about seven articles because I have had seven cigarettes this morning. Sitting here at the table finishing my sandwich and waiting for the floor to dry. I fall into the niche of personal and motivational blogging and I slightly envy the bloggers who say they are earning a living by writing. I’m not in a mood to dwell on how I am doing financially, as the new male housemate headed for the store by himself. 

I have about $15; on my online accounts and plenty of time to reflect on myself. I’m finding healing from my full relational past and finding I can still use the course’s I took at UTA, even though I didn’t graduate, to plan and prepare a brighter future for myself. At the age of 34, going on 35 and my birthday not even as far as two months away. I am learning that I need to do what is right for myself and be able too stand on my own.

May 10TH 2024" Just came in from smoking a cigarette,... there's a no-smoking policy on campus and I am going over to my families house at 8AM, tomorrow. I only have $25 on my online accounts and I don't want to spend it. Just editing these entries and we just got back from getting a Depakote Injection & Going to The North Side Library. 

I can’t and will never be able to repay My Father back for all he has ever done for me. Mostly my relationships have not been too good because I have issues with being a “Daddy’s Girl”; for most of my life my Dad has been stationed over seas in The Military. When I first started College at McNeese he said “The decisions you make from today to the future will impact you!” I didn’t and still don’t have the best relationship with my mom or my eight year old son, or my two little sister’s.

At The Group Home; the other housemates and I have little interaction together and my highlight is smoking together and having house meetings. Though; I spend a lot of time on writing, and reading, I hardly speak up and am one of the ones who have been here the longest, and doesn’t have an attitude when asked to do something, or act out anymore. I was asked to take a shower by the caregiver here today and I willingly will before 5PM. I just finished my sandwich and waiting for the floors to dry. Then I will go outside and smoke two cigarettes and then take a shower.

While I have been here in the home I have stayed closer to the caregivers and myself than the other housemates. I would love to bond with someone other than my father but I don’t want to mess up anymore by falling for false hopes from not being able to distinguish between a good and bad person. Hopefully others can begin trusting me and I can trust them. Someone in the house spit on the floor and the caregiver was angry when she had to clean it up.

I’m learning that besides having my meals and a bed too sleep in and ten cigarettes a day. Which is included in my rent and it’s from RSDI and my past work such as Walmart and ROSS that I can depend on my insurance. I’m a young individual and I must depend on God and Myself; and take care of my priorities and no one is going to do it for me. When it comes to relationships people can either pull you down with them but there are very few who are committed to making someone else a better person.

Which takes me to my next thought of how I have stated that I am codependent; sometimes I depend on people and only get hurt by it. I’m wanting good relationships but it’s either give or take. My little one is being raised by my family and I have been forgiven. My Mom said “Chose Your Battles Wisely”. The days of being spoiled by others are over and I don’t want to be in a situation where I play a victim role in which I have been rapped several times or lost a lot in the process.

I’m fully forgiven and I have fully forgiven but that way of “The Old Johnna” is over and I am moving on in life to better things. 

Service Sunday

Drinking coffee and waiting for our caregiver to finish breakfast. Church starts in an hour and a half and I am looking forward to going. It’s 9AM; and I have been up since around 7AM. I am drinking a second cup of coffee and I will leave to walk to Bethel Church at 10AM. My elderly housemate and I walked the mile and a half to and from church. It’s 12:50PM and the walk caused me too sweat and I probably need a shower and some much needed self care.

We had oatmeal, eggs 🍳, toast, and sausage for breakfast. Walking is good for your health and something I should do more often. Although; it’s hot outside and I wish I could go swimming again. At Bethel Church; I had two cups of coffee and two donuts 🍩. We took part in communion and read from Acts 2:40-47.

Acts 2:40-47 States; “He went on in this vein for a long time, urging them over and over, “Get Out While You Can; Get Out Of This Sick and Stupid Culture!” That Day about three thousand took Him at His Word, we’re baptized and we’re signed up. They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers.

In a World 🌎 of 24/7 News and the community, Especially if your a Christian, you need to ask what you can do for the community. In order to have a real Interaction For Connection; different relationships have a different reaction and emotional response. When our moods and challenges become transparent they can be identified on each and every level. By running to God; we hang on to His Promise and we can develop a Christian perspective to these problems.

As my topic today; I wanted to talk about Nurturing and Supporting others vs. getting in their way and blocking the opportunities for Emotional Growth to develop resilience. In today’s society we receive twenty-four seven and constant information from the news and everyday people. 

We Grow Through Incorporation; it’s not what we can get but what we can give as we devote time and live intentionally and finding unity in God’s desires and not from our own selfishness but finding unity and loving transformation. We learn, worship, and sacrifice together and develop more everyday. Although I have been closer to my family since I stopped running away the pastor spoke to my heart ❤️ when he said; “Your Here For Your Family or Is Your Family Here For You?” and “It’s Me For The Community or The Community Here For Me?”. We either want to keep being selfish or we share and cooperate on what works for the best of everyone.

Then We Go Through Intercession; God doesn’t have problems with your enemies and it’s important to interact to find a community you belong to; for me it’s seeing that I need to step away and give my parents and family a break and trust the care we receive at The Group Home and Day Care during the week. 

Yesterday; I read my Adulting 101 book, which I have been reading a chapter every weekend, so I can focus during the week about the topic of the chapter by doing research. I am learning about EQ; which is Emotional Intelligence and helps you and I know and understand how we feel. The Pastor then encouraged us to walk away from a form of Entertainment that is harmful to one that is good; so I am going to try to do better at reading a helpful self and relationships article on Pinterest for every cigarette I smoke. Through my blogging I seek to look for ways to help others by sharing my God given gift of writing. 

Saturday’s Strengths

​It’s Saturday Morning; and although I wish I could have slept in, I woke up 6:30AM and now I have been up for two hours. Our caregiver 🍪 is here and arrived at 8am and is making us some coffee in the new coffee maker. We also have a new oven installed and she is making breakfast. Smoked half a cigarette and drinking my cup of coffee. 

After I drank my one cup of coffee I finished my cigarette and walked upstairs to open a new box of Lucky 🍀 Strikes and opened my planner to check on what I wanted to write today. I’m learning about strengths today and questioning what are my biggest strengths. 

What are my biggest strengths? I’m honest, humble, Faithful, Simple, Motivating, Assertive, Content, Forgiving, Loving, Kind, Respectful, and Peaceful.

When it comes to strengths; I found it easier to focus on them using a list I found on Pinterest and wrote a list in the back of my planner. We’ll save weaknesses for another Wednesday and just focus on strengths for today. It’s 9:35AM and our caregiver is passing out medication and cigarettes. I’m glad I have a place of my own although I share the house with about six others. My caregiver said too keep doing what I am doing and too never give up.

Sat outside and smoked two cigarettes and talked. She is a good caregiver to talk to; and she’s one of my favorite. One of our housemates likes to talk aggressively to him/her self and is the loudest out of all of us; and our caregiver is constantly telling her that it’s going to be ok and that he/she shouldn’t talk the way they are talking.

I enjoy getting constructive criticism and learning ways I can improve. I have received several complements about how I turned my life around and started doing the right things. 

How can I make better use of my strengths daily?

I have been reading and writing and smoking; still sitting outside smoking and it’s my third one. I am about to go up too my room; I need to clean my room and organize my stuff. I also use a vaporizer and my dad said he’d take me to “Luxor’s Vape Shop” in Arlington, when I need a new coil and I would also like to get some new vapor liquid when we go. Though I probably won’t see them again until Father’s Day.

I need to learn how to be more independent and less codependent but any help I receive makes me feel special. It rained last night and the ground is still wet outside.

How do I change struggles into strengths?

As I think about the many past situations I have been in; I don’t see how I could have walked away from here. We need support more than we need an escape and I have done better. My caregivers, caseworkers, immediate family, and the family here at the group home have been proud of me for not wondering around on the streets and resulting to the use of drugs or having sex. I am also very proud of myself and have seen a lot of progress. 

Common Strengths include Influencing, Executing, Strategic Thinking, and Relationship Building.

Focus For Friday

​For the past month and since I have been blogging more; I have been putting an entry than researching it. My focus for this week is “Emotional Growth”. I have it written in my planner along with some of the notes I have taken throughout the week. I’m reminded of last month’s post on purposes for my life and I want to go over them again.

The Passion and Purpose of having a meaningful and creative life with My Lord & Savior, My Group, and My Family.

The Purpose of Showing Up for Myself and taking care of what I need daily.

The Reasons to seek help and Get things right by accepting my mental disorders and being active with self care.

The Purpose of being there for the people that mean the most to me and being a pleasure to be around.

The call to write passionately and purposefully on a regular basis and not hide away or get defensive about what people think about me.

I’m sitting outside again smoking my second cigarette before I go inside and I am going with my new caseworker today at 1:30PM. I transferred $10 into my Chime account from my Venmo; and have $15 in both accounts. Financially; I wish I was doing better and had more money to save and spend. There’s been rumors of being able too work around here at The Lions Center but nothing has happened to earn any extra money. Their looking into changing us to another location but it hasn’t happened yet.

I’m feeling disappointed in the fact that I don’t have a career; as I know that Student Loans are due on August 31st. I should have finished my degree in Advertising and Public Relations and I am being hard on myself about dropping out. If money were not a problem I would find a way to finish. I’m finally recovering from so much self pity and I am starting to like myself more and enjoying my own company. 

When will I learn to be on my own? I’m finally getting over the pain of the past and a few caregivers have given me hope that one day I will be successful on my own. I know that I am also feeling some fear, frustration, and pain as I learn and gain the skills and knowledge to move forward in life.

How Do I Really Start Focusing On Self Growth & Starting To Accomplish All I Set Out In Life To Do?

Friends Of Friday

​Drinking my coffee and I just ate a McDonald’s sausage and biscuit with strawberry 🍓 preserves. When it comes to people around you; what makes you feel supported in a relationship? Or are you like me; and find relationships difficult? We could sit here all day and make excuses for ourselves; but God, wants so much more for us.

As I am sitting outside and smoking a cigarette, I have been smoking two cigarettes, every time I smoke. On our breaks out the back door of The Lions Center; I have been smoking a Lucky Strike and then one I have received from a caregiver in the morning. I asked for a second cup of coffee; and the worker gave me the rest that was in the coffee pitcher. I was grateful even though it was just a small amount.

There’s a Bible Verse that I like that states “No Matter What State I Am In, I have learned to be content!”. I feel supported when the people around me, get along with each other. I don’t like when people judge and I normally stick by myself. I am turning into quite an extrovert and am longing for healthy friendships. I don’t have to go out of my way too find them and I am depending on God to bring the right relationships in my life. I’m working harder on my goals and learning I can become successful through the right things; rather than doing something drastic that could negatively affect my life.

Growing up; I wanted to save the world and seek out new and different things. Although I ended up shorthanded with pretty much nothing too show for myself. When I was 18 and first moved to Texas; I went to hookah lounges and to a lot of DFW’s finest RAVE Events. Times of partying and self exploration, I did have fun but I stopped when I gave birth to my son when I was 26. I had so many good opportunities that I dismissed just to hangout with friends who wouldn’t be there for me in the end. 

I’ll be 35 at the end of July and friends are few and limited; the old friends didn’t stay and some say I was a crappy friend. I want friends but as an adult it’s been difficult and although there is six people I share a house with and about twenty people that attend the center. I need to change my ways and learn how to be a good friend in order to make the kind of connections I want.

Blogs About Making Friends: 

1. The writer of thereluctantcowgirl.com; has several great articles about friendship. She points out that we need three types of friends for personal growth; mentors, friends, and discipling friendships.

Test Taking Thursday’s

​I bought a Dr. Pepper from the vending machine; the dollar I got from my roommate for a cigarette. Last night we had a lot of pizza 🍕. It’s 1:30PM; and we’re headed back home from being at the center. From medical testing to school testing; and everything in between. There are big and small tests you take everyday; things that take work and improvement in the right direction. Such as learning to step up and take initiative in life.

I’m starting to see that I am taking more control of my life and not getting as defensive as I was in the past. I’m wanting to know what is going to happen in the future. I’ve had several people tell me that I have potential to still have a bright future. I’m praying that God and My Mentors show me ways in which I can improve. I’m Especially getting anxious about what is going to happen with my student loans. I want to know if there is steps to take to be able to graduate or work again.

On the way home; the lady driving us and in charge of the center told me I should start a mental health magazine. She said she hasn’t had any time to read my blog after I asked her. She said she would help me with it but it’ll take a while. I don’t have the slightest clue on how to make a magazine but she continued saying that there hasn’t been one and I could do it. 

I am proud that I made it too my Senior Year; but then I dropped out of my Senior Year twice. The first time I dropped out; I was taking Geography, Public Relations Case Studies, IMC Campaigns, and Communication Technology. Test taking has never been easy for me and I have high anxiety. Though even tougher is knowing what to do in life right now. I’m smoking a third cigarette since I have come home and I am thinking about starting on new adventures.

I’m willing to do what it takes too be successful and I am trying not too go into debt or waste too much time. I finished reading “The Night Portrait”; this morning and I really liked the book. There’s free courses on Coursera I can take and I would like to get on my laptop. Things have really changed since WWII and Leonardo Da Vince’s time; reading about war right around Memorial Day was awesome. I had a few members of my family that fought in WWII. 

The next book I am reading is “The Lost Family” by Jenna Blum; who is a New York Bestselling Author. The book takes place in Manhattan in 1960 and is about a chef bachelor who came from a Nazi death camp where his wife and two young daughters died. The story is about how he starts his life with a new woman but his memories overshadow him. 

Throwback Thursday

​I just finished my second cup of coffee and am sitting at the table. It’s 10AM; and I am a year since a blog post which is nice to look back on. I’m still having my times with my caseworkers; and yesterday my caseworker said they’re not all going to stop taking us places. I  started my period about the same time I did last year. I get paid half of what I did last year; since my rent went up. Meanwhile; feeling the hard things in life and working independently through response.

I’ve been here in the group home and daycare center for eight years now. In order to get along; you have to learn that it is about you and not others. Through having self-awareness and taking an honest look at life; hopefully I can find healing and wisdom from the situations I have been in. I am knowing that the best thing for me to do is stay here. 

Though; what about all the five times I ran away? Since I was 13; I know I have ran away more than that. It’s rocky relationships and insecurities for the most part but I have always been taken care of, even in the hardest of times. What exactly was I looking for? Mentally my routine and my medication are working and although I don’t live with my family and the people at the group home are hard to get along with the times in the past have proved to me that life doesn’t get better if you force it too and aren’t depending on God. 

Was I in flight mode because life got hard? Many articles talk about fight or flight response and since I feel I am getting too old to run away and my health is a major concern, even if it’s just me being concerned I have too make the best out of my life and try to find independents within myself by doing the right thing.

Where did I go and run off too? I’m often too hard on myself and in the past I have made so many bad decisions. Resulting to drugs and elopement and going to prison, in 2020, I had a three month jail sentence for shoplifting at Target. I had been on the streets since September 19” to April 20” at the beginning of Co-Vid19. The last time I ran away I went to Downtown and was there from February 21” to April 21”. That’s when I got frostbite on my right hand middle finger and my ring finger. It’s healed now but it was truly a hard learning experience that I will never forget.

The answer is, in my opinion can leave me to feel embarrassed and I don’t know why I thought it was better being risky than being in the comfortable situation like I am right now. Though we have had several that have come to the group home and left and ran away. I’m getting better at being my own unique self and not hanging out in bad places. Though one thing that is helping me is staying out of others drama and focusing mainly on myself. I am learning more about my honest nature, my values, my habits, and my emotions.

Today I am researching “Emotional Growth”; I am depending more on myself to do the right thing than the destructive pattern of the past. An emotionally mature person has reached and continues to reach a level of self-understanding with regards to their thoughts & behaviors. Then decides how to best approach and cope with the situation that might otherwise be challenging.

Wishlist Wednesday

​My wishes for this month are safety; I haven’t been to the hospital all year. Though last year around this time I was headed to a almost four time stay in rehab facilities. The more I work on myself and take care of myself the better chance I have of staying out of the hospital. The caseworker from Amerigroup called yesterday to say she needed to meet with me. She asked me if I was able to shower on my own; saying she had received a call saying I needed someone to help me.

My wishes for this month are healthy relationships; I spend a lot of time in my own little head. Reading and writing and smoking. There’s been a lot of drama at The Group Home and My roommate and I are annoyed. Smoking cigarettes is taking over my life and she was really concerned about how much I have been smoking. I smoked three packs of Lucky 🍀 Strikes over the three day weekend holiday while I was at my parents. Also, my family is in the last part of my little ones adoption.

My wishes for this month are too seek help and getting things right with accepting my mental disorders and doing better with self care. I have an appointment and in about an hour my new caseworker is taking me to Family Dollar and then we are having a meeting on FaceTime with my psychiatrist. 

At Family Dollar I bought three books for $5; and I also bought two things of instant coffee and a soda. Then when I got to the house I smoked and bought a housemate and I some supreme cigars. 

Hello June

​I received a new cup from my parents; that says “Hello Summer”; and I have been using it a lot. Thankful that they stopped making designated times for us to smoke at the house. Now, we can smoke whenever we want too. Waiting for our ride to the center; and listening to my housemate yell. I started last night and I’m glad I bought pads, as the ones I had in the hall closet are missing. I have a psychiatrist appointment today at 1:40PM; and I have been doing well on the medication she put me on last time.

I opened a new pack of cigarettes yesterday and although we can smoke here at the house whenever we want too; their expensive and not good for your health. It’s laundry day today and I have a bag of new Tide Pods, that haven’t been opened. Since I don’t have a job and am only receiving $25 a week; everything is expensive. Also, my caseworkers are stopping taking us places. I was able to go to Family Dollar when the owner of the day facility picked us up yesterday. 

It’s the start of a new month; my focus for this month is personal growth. We arrived at the center at 8:30AM; and as soon as we get here, the lady at the front table takes our temperature. Then I ate a bowl of oatmeal and sausage and had a cup of coffee. Then went outside and smoked two cigarettes. 

I am sitting at the table with my notebooks and wanting to do some brainstorming and build a wishlist of where I am headed in life. I’m trying to do a lot of research today to learn about myself; to understand my thought patterns, what is important to me, how I view the world, working through negative thoughts, and dealing with past trauma.

A month focused on Growth before my 35TH Birthday which is in July. Going after your dreams and doing life differently takes a lot of courage, determination, and self-belief.

End of May

​Today is the last day of the month of May. Blankly stating the obvious and waiting for my second cup of coffee. I smoked two cigarettes and am thinking about what I am going to write about and what I am going to research today. 

Asking myself questions such as; What are my habits, where are my thoughts, how is my attitude, what are my feelings, and how this all aligns with my actions. Things I have been writing about all month and I am looking forward to growing my blog and finding more about the things that help.

This month I have written more than I ever have on this blog in the past. At the end of the month it’s good to think about; what big accomplishments you achieved, if you accomplished what you hoped, and if you really did what matters. I think I am a long way off from getting to answer those questions about myself and this next month I need to keep reading and writing more. I told my parents that this month I am working on self growth and they both agreed I am doing better.

It’s a long road of self-development and I am ready to put in the work of becoming my best self. Doing the work to find stability by getting myself right with God and those most important in my life. I had a great time with family but it’s back to staying here at the center and at the group home. Growing more in a safe space and being rooted in what I need and want.

My payee, my dad, pays my rent at the start of every month and I am feeling more comfortable with staying here. Having a sense of structure to help me stay strong as our foundation keeps us grounded and plants you where you are as you make small daily steps to take care of yourself and prioritize. 

Memorial Day

​I’m sitting at our family kitchen table and drinking my third cup of coffee. I’m so blessed that my little one has been in a good mood for most of the weekend. I’m here for a few more hours and my son and I have been using his new scented colored pencils and crayons. He woke me up at 6:30AM and was excited about receiving his packages that my parents had ordered him yesterday.

I’m wanting to stay here as long as I can; he has been so sweet. There’s a long history of soldiers in my family history and today is the day to be grateful for them. My father said, “you don’t thank the soldiers who have made it safely back home by thanking them for their service” but “today is the day to remember the soldiers who have died”. I’ll hold onto special memories for today and be thankful for any situation I am in.

I want to do my best and be invited over more often. Though tomorrow starts another week at the center and not being as spoiled as I am here. I’m going to miss my family but I will stay at The Group Home and be patient till I can see them again. Memories are important but the ones that haunt you can really tear a person down. In both situations; there’s things to be grateful for. I don’t have many things going on wrong that make me want to run away again and things have definitely improved.